Am I wrong if I confront someone who's been talking shit behind my back even though a friend told me not to?

[Crystal_Snail]

I was friends with both. one friend-- we will call her Regina-- told me that the other friend-- we will call her Priscilla-- was talking shit about me behind my back. Regina told me not to confront her because doing so would mean Priscilla would know Regina ratted on her. But i was so mad and upset at this news that i went ahead and confronted Priscilla anyways.

now both of them are mad at me. But i don't care about Priscilla... but do care about Regina... Am i wrong for confronting Priscilla even though Regina told me not to?

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[SaoirseS]

Yes, you’re wrong. She told you something in confidence, and even told you as a caution that if it got back to her it would clearly identify your friend as the source. But you disregarded it and confronted the girl. One of the quickest ways to damage or destroy a friendship is to break a confidence, especially when someone tells you specifically to keep it to yourself and you decide to do it anyway. If you did that to me, you’d lose both my respect and my trust. Learn from it.

[Crystal_Snail]

can you at least see where im coming from? i trusted Priscilla entirely. i knew her and she new me. i also shared secrets with her. i knew her for a couple years. So im basically a victim here. i can understand why she's upset... but would you or can she understand why i would be livid too?

[SaoirseS]

I understand why you were livid, but that doesn’t justify breaking her confidence. She likely told you as a heads up to be on guard around Priscilla, to file it away mentally and be cautious. You took it on yourself to act on impulse without thinking confronting her would adversely impact others. It wasn’t just about you. The only thing you’re a victim of is your own bad judgment.

[Crystal_Snail]

so in your opinion someone i trusted entirely and basically pretended to be my friend over all the years i've known her and even spreading how shitty of a person i was to others... doesn't make me a victim?

[SaoirseS]

No it doesn’t. It makes her a crummy friend, but it doesn’t make you a “victim” so don’t try using the victim card to justify a bad decision. You’re the one who created the drama, so it’s self-inflicted.

[Crystal_Snail]

Ok so what in your opinion should i have done here? if i stopped talking to Priscilla she eventually would have known something was up and confront me about that. if that happened what should i have said to her?

keep in mind we hung out and talked with regularity too so she definitely would have noticed something.

[SaoirseS]

You’re straying off the scope of your original question here, but ok. You mean you wear your emotions on your sleeve and can’t keep on as if nothing happened? At your age I’d expect you to have learned that your friends aren’t always totally your friends. They can be fickle, they may talk smack about you with others but still care about you. It’s best to keep your guard up and keep on. If you can’t do that, then find reasons to avoid them. But throwing someone you care about under a bus is not a fix. And if you’re looking for validation that the confrontation is somehow justifiable, you won’t get it from me. You’re the one who threw the turd in the punch bowl. All you can do now is try to talk it out with both and mend fences. But I doubt you’ll ever regain either one’s trust.

[UniquelyBasic]

Well Regina shouldn't have told you about the other friend talking shit about you and not expect you to do anything about it. You probably shouldve just left it alone and been the bigger person though.