My sister runs to our parents when ever I say something?

[Anonymous]

When I try to speak my mind and have a conversation about how we can change our relationship and express how she’s hurt me she won’t respond and just runs and tells my parents everything I told her. Then my mom tells me to stop speaking my mind. Why can’t we have a real conversation between us? Why does she do this? It hurts because I feel coached as if I can not be real with my own sister. I’ve grown to dislike her because our relationship is no longer real because our parents are like referees at this point. What is wrong with her? She try’s to paint me as the bad guy all the time. What is the point in going to our parents about what I say instead of having an adult conversation between us?

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself this — if your sister was not your sister, is she a person you would keep tolerating? Growing up a lot of us have been conditioned to believe that just because someone is a relative, we have to deal with their toxicity, and that is simply not true. Your sister sounds uninterested in hearing you out or taking accountability for her faults, which is why you won’t make progress in serious conversations that you try to have. Salvaging your relationship and working on a better one needs to matter just as much to her as it does to you, and if it just doesn’t then you can’t force it to happen. At the end of the day it is most important to protect your space and surround yourself with positive energies, like people who aren’t blood related but still love you like family, have your best interests at heart and genuinely care about your feelings. If these qualities don’t describe your sister and/or family, then maybe it’s a good time to take a big step back from them and focus on healing.

[Asker]

I’m angry she doesn’t love me for me. When I see sisters loving each other and getting along in hurt inside because we used to be that

[Opinion Owner]

You can’t make her love you for you, or talk her into it and quite honestly you don’t want to. You should never beg someone to love you the right way, doesn’t matter who it is.

[Asker]

Yes I understand that but she treats me like some random girl in high school she hates.

[Opinion Owner]

She’s set in her ways unfortunately. Keep in mind, at the age she is she’s spent her whole life developing and maintaining those negative traits. She’s never been held accountable or reprimanded because your parents enable it, which is incredibly toxic. Soon you’ll have to come to a point where you realize there’s no fixing someone who doesn’t feel they’re wrong, and take a step back. You are only hurting yourself at this point.

[Asker]

Why does she go behind my back and tell my parents?

[Opinion Owner]

Because she already knows you’ll be reprimanded by them and that’s all she wants, and it’s so childish and mean. I’m sure you’ve been a good sister, and nothing is wrong with the sort of conversation you want to have. But if she isn’t willing to talk and goes running to your parents then it’s just not worth it.

[Asker]

Yeah she just wants to be nasty and hurtful. I’m done with her and thank you so much.

[Opinion Owner]

I think that’s genuinely for the best, especially since it’s causing you so much trauma, you deserve to start healing from that. I saw you comment to the guy about trying to help her out of an abusing relationship, which of course I think is great of you. The thing with people in situations like that though is they have to want to help themselves first. If she’s that deeply in love with that person, she won’t see logic or reason no matter who is trying to help her. So you’ve got to wash your hands, because it can’t matter more to you than it does to her. She needs to come around and ask for your help, then feel free to step in as the big sister.

[Asker]

Yes thank you, I’m actually the little sister lol she’s 10 years older than me.

[slatyb]

Why are you still dealing with any of these people? What do you get from it?

[Asker]

I’m miserable dealing with my sister honestly, but I want to help my sister because she’s in a abusive relationship.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Asker]

40 years old

[Asker]

I’m the younger sister

[Asker]

10 years younger

[Opinion Owner]

I just read what you answered to someone about you wanting to help her, then is that the main problem? She rushing to your parents proofs immaturity, that's a reason why people in abusive relationships have it so hard to leave. When adults don't want to be helped is difficult, you're a good sister.

[Asker]

Thank you you made me feel better