How can I stop being so nice to people once I develop a crush on them? Should I not try to be a friend first?

[MichaelCarlin]

I've started to notice a bad pattern of mine. I usually am very quirky, odd, and very blunt, which people seem to enjoy. I say whatever is on my mind at any time. I guess some would call me an asshole. But I'm also very introverted, which when I develop a crush, causes problems because I start doing the exact opposite, basically I will stop flirting, saying what I think (I don't want to hurt feelings), and start being a nice guy, doing things to help (which I Don't normally do). I start listening to whatever problems they have. Basically I want to be a friend first. I wait too long and once I'm friends, or I think we are, things usually get very awkward and and we usually wind up not even being friends. I also don't get numbers or add people on social media usually. It's odd because usually I get the feeling my crushes really like me, until I never make a move (age I'm usually older) then the energy usually gets almost avoidance level on both sides. I avoid them because I usually start feeling used, as for why they avoid me I don't want to speak for them.

[California_Poppy]

Yeah you don't want to become a friend first.
Women don't always decide right away which category they want to put you in, 'Friend' or 'Potential Mate.' The more eggs you put in the friend basket, the more comfortable she will be keeping you there. It's very rare she will change her mind once she decides which category you have fulfilled.

You don't want to move too fast, but you want to make it clear from the beginning that your intention is to find a mate. Try not to get to wrapped up in being a support system for them. Don't do things for them, do things with them. Have conversations not to be a shoulder for them, but to get to know them, and so that they can get to know you.

[MichaelCarlin]

Thank you, this is probably my exact problem. I try to be a friend first. I usually don't try to pursue as a mate, even when I develop feelings. I literally become a support system, which becomes very draining. Especially when I start seeing i dont get support when I have a bad day. This leads to both sides growing cold eventually. Im ok with being just friends, I just don't want one-sided friendships.

[Anonymous]

Crushes are for teenagers. You should be well past that stage in your life.

[Adam1978]

I wouldn't say stop being nice. But you certainly should go for your intentions, not friendship and do that early. So if you want a girlfriend act as it, want a hookup act as that, there is a clear difference in how you approach a person depending on your intents.

[Avicenna]

Yeah, you need to make changes on how you approach this. Don't try to be a friend.

[Iron_Man]

Just date the girl don’t get in the Friendzone