How you handle one uppers?

[Anonymous]

I got a new flat in my 20s and I told my cousin who is in her 40s and she bashed on that she needs to buy a house and get out of apartment living why can’t she ever be happy for me and go into a jealous heat moment

[Anonymous]

That's not really one upping. One upping is more, you mention you got a 1k raise, and they pipe in with they got a 5k raise and attempt to steal your thunder and/or make you feel bad about not being on "their level." You in this scenario are dealing with someone who simply would rather listen to themselves chat about themselves and their problems than simply acknowledge you for where you've come in life. There is nothing to do here, but continue to live your life and surround yourself with people who are supportive of you. If she can't be, you put her in the pile of "can't change 'em," and don't get sucked into their pity parties.

[Smashingdoozy]

Sometimes people like to communicate by sharing their own experiences, it's not necessarily because they're not happy for you or they're jealous it's just they feel the only way they can communicate is if they have something to relate to the situation.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Maybe she just feels like nothing is working out for her. I get what you're saying but it sounds like your sister is really going through it right now. When you have stress and debt and you're not hitting your goals in life, it's hard to be excited for other people doing what you're trying to do.

You're both justified to feel this way but all I'm saying is that if your issue is that she's too wrapped up in self pity, she's not going to get any better if you keep feeding into what's putting her in that head space.

[RebelinSteel]

That sounds more like she is having a go at herself for still living in a flat at 40. You buying one likely brought it to her how long she’s been avoiding moving to a house.

[Asker]

I know every time I do something good for myself she tends to get jealous and rude.

[zeitgeist057]

I agree it sounds like the cousin is feeling insecure. She's 40 vs. 20 so if a 20 year old is where she is, she probably feels like she needs to do a little more. Being rude and jealous doesn't help at all.
But for Asker, my advice is to realize it's not about you, she's just sad/mad about her own situation, and your successes are reminders for her of how she feels she's falling short. That's not on you, and if she does it a lot I would let her know directly that it's unpleasant and you will spend more time with people who are supportive and encouraging, because that's what you deserve. This is what people mean by "toxic".

[Asker]

@zeitgeist057 because of this I no longer talk to her anymore I feel like im walking on eggshells like watching if I will offend her by the things I’m getting up too

[zeitgeist057]

I think that’s totally appropriate. It’s up to you if you want to take the extra step and let her know why you’ve made that decision. The reason I think it’s important to do so (even though I’m sure it’s an uncomfortable conversation to have) is because people often are unaware of their impact on others and without feedback they don’t have motivation for change.

[clovertheminotaur]

I dated one. I broke it off with him. I beat him 6 times in a row at BlackJack and waited until I lost for him to claim that he was better. He would also stop at nothing to make sure I felt smaller than him. He claimed it was so "I would be motivated to improve" but I beg to differ.

[PeachyPie93]

That doesn't sound like she is one upping you. She is just is trying to relate to you with her situation. Plus you are younger so what does it matter if she is moving up from what you are doing.

[Asker]

I don’t have a problem with what she’s doing but it’s always a pity party if I tell her what I’m wanting to achieve or going on a trip she tends to get jealous

[PeachyPie93]

I see, my older sister is the jealous type. Anytime I would tell her what I was gonna do she would have to go and do it first, to try to be better than me. Or if someone gave me something she would take it, and legit act like it was hers. So what your cousin does I don't think is that bad, but you might want to distance yourself from her lol.

[Asker]

I feel bad for tho as a lot of her family and she’s had many friends that stopped talking to her but I think it’s only because of behaviour. Im starting to understand why she is a bit of a nightmare to be around

[PeachyPie93]

Well you could be honest and point out what she is doing. She might not even realize she is behaving that way.

[Asker]

She’s just not a nice person like she lost a guy friend because she told him off for dating a woman in her low 30s because of the age gap. They were going to go to a concert together but he ignored her and didn’t run up. She’s in her 40s smart enough to know what’s she’s doing by now

[PeachyPie93]

Well you have options. It isn't like you are stuck with her, she is only your cousin.
Tell her you don't like how she acts and point out her flaws or stop hanging out with her. It is better than complaining and keeping someone bad in your life.
I barely hangout with my sister because she is a bitch. I still love her but that doesn't mean she needs to be around all the time.

[slatyb]

You handle them by ignoring them. If they are intolerable, you handle them by avoiding them.

[Zestyassmf1997]

Sounds like she’s just expressing that she needs to get her own shit together.

[LiamJHayden]

I am not insecure, but I understand that others might be so I let it slide.

[Anonymous]

By baiting him into a fight when his ego is bigger then his 415lb stomach