How do you deal with friends who you seem to be drifting apart from?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend (31) who I met after college where we both bonded over trying to find “real” jobs and navigating the hellish dating scene in our metropolitan area. We did a lot of partying every other day and going out to bars.

Fast forward almost a decade later and it feels like we are drifting apart. I’ve been in my career for five years and being that I’m single, I like to occupy my time with my friends and social circle and my hobbies. He has been dating this guy for three years who is a registered sex offender (he says that his crazy ex lied on him, although his former friend got a wired confession from him) and both of them are constantly unemployed and like to go out every weekend. He also brings him everywhere and can’t do anything without him.

Because I find her decision to date a registered sex offender to be questionable and they fact that we don’t have much in common anymore (I like doing things other than going to bars and clubs every weekend), I’ve sort have distanced myself from her and have been hanging out with more like minded people.

My friend and her boyfriend have taken issue with this and have been “subtweeting” me on social media accusing me of thinking that I’m too good for or better than them. She has been very passive aggressive towards me and gets upset when any of my other friends are mentioned or if she sees me hanging out with them.

How should I handle this? I still want to be friends, but it seems like the only thing keeping us together is history.

Updates

1 y

For the record, I’m not jealous of my friend’s relationship. I just don’t want to drink and party ALLL OF THE TIME. I’d like to do things like travel, go to concerts, museums, etc.

Also, my friend was the one who confided in me that her boyfriend was a registered sex offender and told me the story that he apparently told her. That is when I looked him up (because it is public information) and it says that he was charged with sexual assault in 2019.

[Anonymous]

My friend group has been the same since I was a freshman in high school. Most of our circle graduated and went straight to university together, and then we've been friends ever since...but...people have this illusion that because you were once friends, that, that is the way it always should and has to be. There are 4 people in that circle I have cut ties with and I have no regrets. I came to understand that life is very stressful, I have health issues, I have a lot going on, and I didn't need anyone or anything adding to things that were quite literally making me feel sick or sad or angry all the time. We're talking 20-25 years of friendship, so not easy cuts to make, but I've been much happier being surrounded by the friends who love and support me then to always feel negative around certain people.

Understand that you are a human being who is always changing, growing, and involving in your thought process, in how you deal with other people, in your relationships, etc. When individuals no longer support you and your vision, are doing dangerous/unhealthy/illegal things and are making no efforts to change, don't respect your time or make any effort to text/call/hang out, constantly don't show up for you when you say something is important to you (minus valid excuses), their beliefs are so radically different from your own that you can't reconcile them, they speak negatively to you and about you to others and don't support you as a person, and you basically start feeling uncomfortable or negative feelings whenever they are around, it may be time to have a conversation with yourself in which you understand that this person, or persons are no longer a positive force in your life, and that you need to cut ties.

Ask yourself if you really honestly still want to be friends with people who don't seem to really be providing any of the former goodness you felt around them in life, or are you just hanging on to them because of time and situation or someone else says you should be their friend?

[TsundereMatrix]

I’ve been in a similar situation. My friend and I have drifted apart too but not in a bad way. She would always invite me to go somewhere or hang out but her boyfriend at the time always had to be there. Some of them were very shit guys too. Now she has a toddler and a single mom and I rarely hear from her and I’m always the one reaching out. Her and I are both 32 and I don’t have kids. I sort of think your friend wants you around and to get along with her boyfriend. She probably doesn’t see anything wrong with him and that you’re overreacting. sometimes when friends drift apart, it’s because someone in the friendship isn’t satisfied with how things are and I have found getting into relationships can trigger that.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yikes, that's a tough situation to be in. It sounds like you and your friend have just grown apart over the years, which is totally normal as people mature and their priorities shift. The fact that she's dating a registered sex offender is definitely a red flag, and I can understand why you'd want to distance yourself from that.

The passive-aggressive social media stuff and the accusations that you think you're "too good" for them are super uncool, though. That kind of immature behavior is only going to push you further apart.

My advice would be to try to have an open and honest conversation with her, if you can. Explain that you still value her friendship, but the differences in your lifestyles and priorities just make it hard to stay as close as you once were. Make it clear that you're not judging her or trying to be better than her - you're just at different stages of life.

See if you can find some common ground or activities you both still enjoy doing together, even if it's not the same partying and bar-hopping you used to do. Suggest doing a low-key hang or trying a new hobby you both might like. That way you can keep the friendship alive, even if it's not as intense as it once was.

If she continues with the passive-aggressive behavior and refusing to accept that you've grown apart, you may just have to create some distance for your own sanity. Toxic friendships are not worth holding onto, even if you have history.

Focus on the friends who are on a similar wavelength to you right now. That'll be way healthier than trying to force a connection that's no longer there. Just be kind but firm in standing your ground. I'm sure if she's a true friend, she'll come around eventually. In the meantime, take care of yourself, girl.

[bobby_bush_eater]

I'm going through this exact thing right now.

Some of my friends are dating really "bad women" and using them for acceptance to go out, drink, drive everywhere, and spend all of their money gambling and doing drugs (it used to be just weed, maybe shrooms; now it isn't).

Mentally, I used to be a bull to all that because I was in the military after HS and thank God for that because I held true to my oath and never did the stuff they did, but I allowed myself to be party to it; I could tune everything out and justify it because I loved them. But I'm starting to realize I love who they were and who I was. It's not necessarily coming from a "holier than thou" perspective, which many think it is, but when being around "friends" is making you more anxious, tired, depressed, or putting you in environments where you will act poorly or around people you don't trust or like, you need to focus on who you are and what you're working towards.

You can't control her perspective or what she will say about you, but you can control whom you decide to put your time and energy into.

I don't plan to cut ties these are my childhood friends, but I am just getting busier doing other things and trying to do more things on my own, by myself, without telling anyone. They're naturally becoming less important to me.

I realize I blended your situation with mine quiet a bit but I didn't expect something this close to home today lol

[Asker]

I think that when you are young, idealistically believe that friendships are supposed to last forever, but (especially in your twenties) people can change so much to where the friendship becomes incompatible.

[D_Bone_Steak]

If a friend drifts, then let them drift.

To be blunt... I think the only reason you really give a shit is because you haven't found your own man.

And on a side note, be careful about being too judgmental about a registered sex offender. If you don't know the details, then he could've been charged with some bullshit. I mean, was him fucking an infant in the crib or him simply not checking the girl's ID card before talking like a pervert online? and then her parents found out. Both will get you on the same list you're talking about.

[NewWaves]

I always tried to reach out periodically, asking for news, offer to hang out. But the drifting eventually happened. And it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I try to remember important holidays and birthdays and at least have that.

[MoonFace2]

Yikes! A registered sex offender? You need to keep yourself safe. She’s going down a bad path. Don’t let them drag you down with them. Dump them asap and find better company to keep us my advice.

[HollyK21]

Have you ever had a serious conversation with her about all this?

[HollyK21]

I didn’t get jealous from this situation, just a friend who doesn’t know how to have her own identity outside of being a girlfriend anymore. I went through that with my best friend of 14+ years, it’s a bummer.

[HollyK21]

*jealousy

[Asker]

I was more so responding to the person that accused me of being jealous of her relationship.

But to answer your question, I’ve asked her if she wanted to do things outside of going to bars all of the time and her (or their) response was, “well, we like to drink, but feel free to tag along” or she never has money to do anything (yet she has money to go to bars).

[HollyK21]

Ohh, who is that person? I have them blocked, and I rarely ever use that feature lol so they must be deplorable.

Anyway, I think what happens next with your friendship is really up to you. It’s truly unfortunate that she’s in this place where she’s made being a girlfriend her entire identity and can’t seem to do shit without him, but eventually she’s going to learn the hard way.

You sound as though you’ve been very accommodating to these changes and she isn’t being rational. I’m willing to bet her boyfriend is the culprit, probably putting things in her ear about you but that is just because he’s intimidated by you. He doesn’t want her having influence in her life outside of him, and basically strives to isolate her so that only his voice matters. Women like that, in my opinion, just don’t want to be alone at any capacity. She doesn’t wanna think unless she has to, do things alone unless she has to, she wants all of his male influence. In which case, maybe you have outgrown her as a friend. She’s feeling betrayed by you but that is her own doing since she lets her man tell her such nonsense. If I were you I’d just wish them well and wash my hands. Anyone who matters will ask you directly about that online slander, and they’d know better than to listen to that period.

[Asker]

This woman seems like a professional troll. Her viewpoints remind me of “justpearlythings”.

Yeah, I’ve witnessed him talking shit about her college friend and telling her that they aren’t her true friends. When she defended them, he yelled at her and her broke up with her.

She also told me that he’s complained about the fact that she’s too independent and how she has all these people in her life and he wonders we fits in all of this.

[HollyK21]

That’s how it was with my now ex-best friend. Her man would talk shit about a close friend of hers, accuse them of this or that, then if she said anything in their defense he would “leave” her.

I used to feel really bad when that happened because my friend would spiral so hard, blowing up his phone, crying in the club (or bar, she’s cried there too), acting like she quite literally needed him. I think he recognized she was that sprung and used it against her to manipulate and get his way.

She lost so many friends, and I was probably only spared because we’d been friends for so long we were nearly like sisters. I was the one friend he couldn’t get her to cut ties with and he hated me for it. Ultimately in the end he got his way, I just couldn’t deal with how ridiculous she was for him and who she has become.

I don't know if that resonates at all with your situation, but my biggest advice no matter what is to know when to call it quits. Like with my friend I love her to death, if she ever needed me I’d be there and I always want the best for her, but while she’s in that relationship I just have to love her from a distance.

[Nikki1989]

You just have to accept that some friendships end. It is a part of life.

[WhitneySnow]

You should break up with her. She sounds toxic.

[CarolinaGirl5]

Why don't u mind ur business? Sounds like ur angry that you're single and want the other person to be just as lonely as u. Let them live their happy life in piece you're too old to be as messy as u are

[CarolinaGirl5]

*peace

[Asker]

Oh, yes! Everyone who is single is obviously miserable and alone.

This is exactly why never said anything to her because of accusations like this.

[CarolinaGirl5]

Mind ur business hater

[Asker]

I am minding my business? They’re the one childishly getting on social media and subtweeting because I’m living my life.

[CarolinaGirl5]

Their life isn't ur business

[Asker]

You know what? You’re right. I’ve clearly outgrown this friendship. Perhaps it’s best to leave a situation that is no longer serving me.

[CarolinaGirl5]

You're being a messy cunt and trying ti sabotage her just because she doesn't talk to u. Grow up

[Asker]

How am I trying to sabotage her? I’m the one that’s distanced myself from her? She (and her boyfriend) have an issue with the fact that I don’t hang around them as much.

[CarolinaGirl5]

You just literally posted about u guys drifting apart. If u don't care then why are u posting? Move on

[CarolinaGirl5]

You're jealous

[Asker]

Yes, I’m biliously jealous that my friend is dating a chronically unemployed, registered sex offender.

I’m done entertaining this dumb-ass conversation. ✌🏾

[CarolinaGirl5]

Bye loser

[CarolinaGirl5]

Lol you're still have no husband and past reproductive age. No man will want u

[CarolinaGirl5]

You lol

Why do a lot of single ladies try to sabotage their girlfriends who are in a happy relationship? ladies y do y'all act like weirdos? ↗

[Asker]

… lol

[Emmytexrex]

Lol I don't have problems with that

[Crazzyyworld]

Get a bad boy