22 year old Asian American Girl with no friends nor boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is a fairly normal thing amongst Asians living in America, but I have no friends nor ever had a boyfriend for 22 years of my life.

No doubt, it gets a bit depressing from time to time, especially on weekend nights, when I could be out with my friends partying and flirting with guys my age, if I had any friends, that is.

I'm starting to feel like there is something about me that is not too attractive to people, whether it be my looks or something.

I have severe low self esteem and I fairly struggled with it all throughout high school as well, where I only had 1 best friend, who was Asian as well.

I know there are other American born Asians in America who are well assimilated into American society and have tons of white friends. Sometimes, I wonder why they are so blessed and why I am always lonely.

I don't know whether I am physically attractive or not, which I think is the main reason for my shyness and insecurity. And I refuse to put up a photo of myself on here. I do get hit on by men (maybe twice a month), but sometimes I feel like they are pitying me and just trying to make me feel better.

It's getting so bad that my mom is actually introducing me to other girls in my church who are in the same situation as me, friendless and never had a boyfriend. I feel like I'm some sort of freak because my mom is actually trying to help me get friends. If she knew I had potential to make friends and get a boyfriend, she would probably not be trying to make friends for me.

I spend my weekend nights curling up in my bed and getting weepy.

Sometimes I feel like killing myself because I'm so lonely and wonder if my appearance really has to do with my situation.

I'm sure if I were genuinely pretty, my mom would not be trying to make my friends for me, or have any trouble making friends at school/college.

Anybody have any suggestions or can relate in some way?

Updates

+1 y

also, if this helps at all, I was "diagnosed" with depression a few years ago, which my parents refuse to believe (they think I'm simply lazy) and body dismorphic disorder.

As a result of my insecurities, I'm painfully shy and have trouble approaching people (both women and men) in school, because I feel like they will reject me.

I'm scared I will continue to live forever alone somehow.

[Ugliness]

One can be very attractive but just so shy that they let possible friends and distant admirers slip by. I'm no expert or professional but I realize that a "typical" Asian girl tends to have dark straight hair. Not good if a guy likes blondes. But I get really turned on by brunettes and the longer the hair the better. Many guys like long hair. Reading your note you are very well spoken. Are you as fluent in speaking English? Having a command of the English language is a real plus. I'm basing some thoughts on a recent trip to a chinese restaurant where some of the staff would have no idea what I was saying if I spoke to them. I was also concerned - for a moment - if your parents were holding you back. I know some can be so over protective of their daughters. That doesn't sound like you have that problem.

If you get hit on by men, as you say, then it probably does mean they like you - unless it's said in an angry or sarcastic tone. Otherwise they probably do like what they see. That doesn't mean you'll make friends with them. Damn. All I can say for sure is I can't see what the problem is. You sound like a friendly polite open sincere person. One of your last statements though, needs some clarification. Being pretty can make it EASIER to make friends but it doesn't guarantee a thing. Someone beautiful but nasty can be just as easily avoided. Again it doesn't sound like you. But I know I wish I knew you. I'd be a friend.

[Asker]

well I am very shy around people, and it makes it very hard to open up to new faces, especially guys I meet for the first time. I tend to get really nervous and somehow I act more "rude and cold" towards guys that I really am interested in, just because I don't feel secure around them and I don't talk to guys that often...

I was born in the US, so yes, English is my first language, but my parents speak Korean at home. They are a bit more conservative than other American parents.

[Asker]

yes, I am too nice, I think that's part of my problem as well. in fact, I've had two guys tell me that I seem like the "nice girl".

it seems like most college guys like the "bad girls" who are sexy and socially gifted...

[Ugliness]

That helps. That really helps. Obviously it doesn't solve the problem though. Try not to act "cold" around guys. That can make some think you really don't want to be there. Risks. SMALL risks might be necessary, at least to the point of letting someone at least say hi if they're interested. You could always walk away - usually - if it's too uncomfortable. I know that I've really been hurt from taking chances though. I know it's not easy at all.

[Shinsa]

Dear Asian girl.

Don't give up. There are plenty of guys out there who probably want to meet or date you, however have not been given any signals by you.

No doubt your insecurities have something to do with this, however if you sign up for clubs, associations, etc. you will have a much better chance of meeting friends.

Getting into a social group first and making friends will be your first step in the social process.

I understand joining a social group, club, etc. is very hard at first since you do not know anyone, however most groups typically have something in common like (asian business club, korean American club, vietnamese American club, etc.). Or have you tried similar interest clubs like sports or other activities? Also, I have found the church type clubs like Asian American christian fellowship clubs at many colleges are very welcoming and have many activities to meet and make friends without too much religion.

If you knew how many guys like Asian girls you wouldn't be so shy.

Good luck!

-asian guy

[gotc147]

Whereabouts do you live? Are you in college? Do you have your own transportation?

You do need to get yourself out there that's for sure but that's not the only thing. Don't get hung up on your appearance, I've been friends with some damn ugly people, they were friends, so their appearance was irrelevent to me.

For a girlfriend though, physical appearance is a factor, thus why you shouldn't be worried about your looks if you're just looking for friends.

[Asker]

i live in northern NJ. I go to college, but I'm a commuter and take the train and bus each day. my life gets pretty dull since I don't live on campus and it seems like the only way you can make friends is go to parties which is held on evenings... I just don't get why it seems like I'm the only Asian girl dealing with this problem. it feels like no normal college girl has this problem

[gotc147]

It sounds to me like the problem is an inability to get yourself to events, if you can find a way to get yourself around I'm willing to bet your luck in this area would change.

[dakraziest]

hye if you can't even like yourself the way you are then why would any1 else do it

btw don't worry awl you need to do is go out you would be amzed when tons of people would wannabe friends with you and guys would circle around you for dates

[Asker]

what do mean ? making friends isn't as easy as you make it seem to be. if tons of people circled around me each time I went out, I wouldn't have this trouble...

[Ugliness]

For me, liking myself is impossible. I try to exist within myself but I don't like myself. I like others, though. That's a start. My self esteem was destroyed long ago.

[dakraziest]

its easy all you need to do is be honest...

honestly is a trait every1 cheerishs and you would get a lot of attention for it

@ugliness what happened with you ?

[chris009xx]

well you can make a Facebook or a social profile that's current and put your picture up and what you like and stuff you can try that and I'm sure you will find a guy . your a young girl you will find somebody