Am I depressed? Whats wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

I am software developer working on c# . net old application.
I like my job (8 hours of job)
I don't have family, and no friends now, everyone is too far away.
I am always bored, only when not working.
And I try to work to avoid boredom.
I used to go to play snooker to chill, but no friends now so I dont go out mostly.
I do go for long walks sometimes..
It's hard to describe
Lately it's like I am not living at all just surviving.
I had friends in office but got harassed by one female colleague, and out of respect I just stopped hanging out with the whole group cause its toxic.
I live alone.
On weekends I am only completing home chores cleaning and laundry.
I am physically weak so I don't like any sports, i dont enjoy trekking.
Now it feels that I don't like anything, and dont feel anything other then sadness.
by the way I resigned from the job
And going for Master to University of Birmingham.

[aaron13547]

Don't take this wrong it's meant to help you. First off im going to say you sound really smart, and you're not doing anything wrong. What i think is wrong with you is that you know your worth so much more then the life you have for yourself now. I really like how you listed all the things out that you do have and don't have and do like to do and don't like to do. Here is the harsh part... everything you said you do like you need to do less of that and everything you said you don't like you need to do more of that. You've made yourself a life of comfort for yourself. We don't find greatness in comfortable places. To be great is to do the things you don't want to do so much you start to enjoy it. I'd say going back to school is a good start. Do everything in a new way now thou. Don't become the same person you are now in a new place use this new place to become a new person. Babysteps and consistency get a person farther then they could ever see when in the dark. You got this become the you you want to be.

[aaron13547]

You know the way you feel in the quiet of your mind on those long walks... that's the key, explore that feeling that's who you are, it will bring you all the things you truly want

[Asker]

The walks aren't helping

[Asker]

I hope getting that master can become a journey, i wanna explore.

[Asker]

I think the part of problem is I am all alone, I need friends.
Or motivation to do all of things.
I want to fall in love, I want to get drunk in a pub, I wish I knew one sport just one game which I could have been proud of.
But due to this weak body, i could not learn.
It's like I am trapped in a box which is comfortable but can't break out to explore.

[aaron13547]

Motivation comes and goes discipline gets us through things we don't want to do. All those things you want to aren't easy that's half the reason you want them. To get out of that box you have to do things you don't want to do, it doesn't feel good at first it but the more you do things you don't want to do it gives you power over yourself. Once you see yourself with a little more confidence other people will to. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you now but to become someone that people want to be around will make finding friends easier. Also the purpose of the walks is the moment it gives you. It seems like it doesn't help but it does when you move through the world with awareness you begin to see how you effect the world around just by being in it. You have the power to do anything in this world you want to do. Some people don't know how to help themselves you do just taking action seems to be the problem. Those walks, you going back to school, you looking for people to talk to, that's momentum. Build on it like you move towards who you want to be. Believe You've got this and friends will start coming easier

[Asker]

It felt good for a while, but sooner or later, it brakes into chaos.
It's like my headspace get more and more darker.
Cause even if I make friends, non of them are available to enjoy. I don't get any like minded friends
For example, i contact 4 guys on a weekday to make plans for weekend, they might already have them or just don't want to.
My plans doesn't include clubbing or drinking or any sports, it's just a random plan of playing snooker, watching a movie, or just simple hangout, doing nothing.
It's not possible for me to get included as well, people do not include me even tho I am infront of them.
Like there are many incidents like I am standing right there, in the middle and planing for movie is going on and even if I speak up there is no response to my question like when we are going, like I don't even exist. Feels like I am just an extra person in every place I go. Feels like I don't belong.
I did took admission for masters in cybersecurity, today and I'll be joining it on 29th sept. throwing myself into just survival mode to get a good paying job so that I can buy a dog or something. And live happily for the remaining time I have left.(Solo incant do now feels more lonelier than one can imagine)

[aaron13547]

You gotta believe in yourself man. If you don't think people want to be around you, that thought by itself creates a state of vibration that will make no one want to be around you... I strive to be a person people want to be around. I don't do that by people pleasing or trying to be any certain way... I just do everything I do for myself. Also try to find things to do that make you connect to people for example watching a movie is like getting absorbed into another person's reality it's hard to bond with someone over something you don't have in common. People bond when it makes life better naturally to do so. Like when you go to the gym to lift and fail you get stuck with that wait on you and someone comes to help... so even an act like failing at something makes people see you as human as someone they can relate to. be someone the kind of people you want in your would naturally want to be around... in my opinion happiness is never found in outcomes it comes from doing. Getting friends isn't going to make you happy or life better. The journey of finding those friends and bonding is where happiness comes from. To do that your going to have to do uncomfortable things. Doing things that we don't want to do is very rewarding choose to suffer with people not accept your better off without... you got this man I still think you already know how to get what you want just keep making the steps towards being the best you can. Your already doing right by the job things. Keep your head up.

[Asker]

Hopefully I get a good job.
Just a good one.
Where I can just pay off my student loan.
And just get a simple house with a dog or something.
I wish my body wasn't this fragile.

[exitseven]

Maybe going ba k to school will help