What should I do about my parents?

[Anonymous]

Okay, my parents are really great parents. They never physically abuse me and never knowingly mentally abuse me, they stopped a lot of generational trauma to themselves and don't let their toxic childhood affect their parenting, at least consciously.

But I don't like having long conversations with my them because they aren't as open minded as me. They've done a really good job raising me up but there are just few things that don't settle well with me. They constantly try to incline me towards religious path. I'll say I'm not an atheist but I'm not religious either, and I give them so many signs but they can't read it or at least pretend to not read it though they seem very open minded. And they are homophobic, I don't know if I can ever tell them that I'm bisexual, but it's not really their fault too because they never knew about the concept of LGBTQ and grew up around straight people only. They judge others very easily, a girl wearing sleeveless blouse? Yeah she's a very indecent girl. A guy hanging out with his friends and planning trips with them? Yeah he's distracted from life.

And there are so many similar things but you can't blame them for that either, because the way they were raised didn't allow them to open their minds. They worked very hard and couldn't afford the luxury of enjoying their youth. And I was SAed as a 15 year old and I don't think I can ever tell them that because they'll find a reason to shame me, instead of sympathizing they might just tell me how I could have 'avoided' it. And my mom fat shames me but at the same time doesn't allow me to control my food intake too, I have to eat what she serves and anything else or different than that is me trying to starve. Most of it is about my mom, my dad is just too busy with his work and the only thing he talks with me is about my academics and current affairs.

If I run away then society will shame them but if I stay then I might just lose my mind. I don't know what to do.

Updates

5 mo

I'm going to college in September as an adult. I'm thinking of taking a loan and completely fund my education so I don't owe them anything. I'm thinking of using this as my run away plan but I don't want to leave them too. They love me so much. I just wish it was easy to talk them out of toxic habits and opinions which they unknowingly have.

[MrChinaski]

I'm sorry that you are in the position. It sounds oppressive. The air may seem fresher when you go away to college.

Okay, two completely unfounded pieces of advice because despite your very lucid description of your situation I don't know much about you.

First, you can't change people. This is true of anybody but is especially impossible, if that concept even exists, with your parents as they still themselves as the authorities in your life, not equals. The only person that can change a person is themselves. I can hear you see a better more open and honest relationship with them that could make everyone happier but don't know how to get there. Honestly, I don't think there is any way to get there right now. Get some space, go to college, see the world, maybe they will grow in the meantime, maybe not.

Second, if I were your age I would be very, very reluctant to give up financial support through college. If you pay your way you may carry debt for a very long time, slowing your ability to start a family, buy a house, or whatever. That's a capital B big decision. I just severed ties with my mother and in doing so renounced my desire to receive a penny from my father's estate... I hope it will still pass to my children, but who knows... but I'm at a different stage of life. I held my integrity rather than performing for money because I knew I didn't need that money. Heading off to college, I'm not sure yet whether you know whether you need that money to get off to a flying start in your adult life.

My 2c based on little information.

You seem like a good person. I'm sure things will work out well for you, whatever choices you make.

[Asker]

My parents are very rich business people. They expect me to join their business after completing my graduation and then MBA which they can easily pay for, 30k pounds a year is nothing for them. If they pay for my higher education then in a way I'll owe them and will have to work under their company and I'll be under their eyes forever till they marry me off to another rich guy like them because love marriage is reckless and careless in their eyes. They believe marriage is more about two families coming together than two lovers. And to be honest I already feel like I owe them a lot because they send me to the most expensive and elite school in my state, I had to literally cry to tell them not to keep any tutors at least because I really don't like when people spend a lot on me.

But if I pay for myself and stay financially independent, at least I wouldn't have to work under them, I'll just get a job abroad and I'll say that I need that job for repaying my debts and all. I'll be in debt but at least I can have the freedom of having my opinion. I won't be financially free but I'll be free to think whatever I want which I'm not able to do in my home without lying. Yeah, sometimes I just lie and say that I agree with their opinions just for the peace of my mind because I know they'll never get it.

And it's not like my parents will give me salary for working under them, I'll have to stay in the same home and they'll take care of my living and all so tbh there's no need of money too because in exchange of work they're giving me shelter and all. But then I'll need their permission for every single thing. If you live with your boss obviously he/she would want you to work more instead of taking break and all.

[MrChinaski]

Again, very lucid.

Sometimes in life you need to back yourself, hold your integrity over anything and let the chips land where they do, to build a life you have reason to value.

Returning to work the family business does not seem like something I would be willing to do. Maybe there's a way you can break that expectation without opening up all of your other legitimate concerns? People, even staid and entrenched parents, are given more opportunities to consider the future they want with you and whether they want to compromise if they are presented with one concrete thing to process. If they feel that you don't like them at all.. which I know is not quite what you said, but if you launch into your stifling upbringing, their 'immoral' morality, their controlling behaviours, etc all at once, a productive separation of sorts may be hard to ever find.

A clean break, as you suggest, is also an option.

Only you know what to choose.

You are smart, moral, self-reflective and hold bold ambitions for your life. Only you know what is best for you. Things will work out.

Peace and good things, friend.

[Asker]

Adults always told me my dilemma is a sin or me being a spoiled rich brat. I literally cried reading this. Thank you so much for being understanding.

[DryGermanGuy]

Get a healthy distance between you and them, that helps a lot. Complaining about sleeveless blouses sounds like living in the eternal 1950s.

[Asker]

I mean we're Indians living in India. Almost all parents are extremely conservative here. I hate how restrictive it is here.

[DryGermanGuy]

Interestingly I have heard conflicting stories, regarding the conservatism, in general. With regard to parenting, yeah, I can believe that.