Did spoiling my son out of guilt ruin him and our relationship?

[Anonymous]

My son just turned 18 several weeks ago and left home without even informing me. He barely ever shows any appreciation, ate most of the food I would buy (leaving little for me), never once helped out at home, would leave all his dirty dishes, all his dirty pants laying on the floor, sometimes burped loudly on the table after finishing eating, would sometimes run away from home, stole money from me, etc.

Why? I gave him everything. All he ever wanted. I tried to be a better person than how I was in the past. I was a bully (sometimes would get physical too) to others at school and with my younger too when we were kids. My parents we're harsh and I would lash out.

Out of guilt, I would spoil my son. Even when he pissed me off, I would bottle it up... never once took my anger on him, never hit him. Did I ruin him? I wanted a 2nd chance with him, to start all over, be the older sister I should've been.

Updates

4 mo

For once I've changed, repented from my past actions, tried to be the best mother that spoils him and this is how he repays me.

[petitedollbabee]

Sounds like you tried to be his friend instead of his parent. Major mistake. You set no boundaries and let him walk all over you and use you. You have set him up for failure, he will learn a harsh lesson once he enters the real world, where nothing is just handed to him on a silver platter. Where his actions have consequences.

[Asker]

I know. I tried to be the best mother ever. It's unbelievable that he's so ungrateful.
I was carrying so much guilt from my past wrongs. I was an abusive bully towards my younger brother and other former classmates during my earlier years. My parents and I ruined my younger brother's social skill, stunt his emotional development.
So much guilt that upon giving birth to my son, I promised make up for my past by spoiling him. Then all blew up in my face.

[HollyK21]

I think there’s more to the story, and you may be too stuck in your own bias and victimhood to recognize it. I’ve seen parents like you, wanting to anyone who will listen about what an outstanding parent they are/were and what a pain in the ass their kids were. The fact that as soon as he turned 18, he up and left without a word genuinely says a lot about his opinion about you and the relationship he felt you had. Pair that with you admitting to bullying people in the past, along with contributing to your brother being emotionally stunted says a lot about your character, and doesn’t look very good for you. Your son isn’t here to give us his side, so I won’t jump to coddle and uplift you.

[Asker]

I did admitted to being a shitty person in the past. That's the major reason I wanted to be kind to my son, even acted like his friend as someone else mentioned. That was my guilt of what I've cause to others. I wanted to compensate it with my son by spoiling him.

[Asker]

But I failed him.

[HollyK21]

Did you seek any professional help? Because admitting you were a shitty person doesn’t necessarily make you less of one, and I say that respectfully. The real accountability comes in the changes you make, and you may be oblivious to the ones you haven’t. Nobody is perfect, so despite your alleged best efforts you were not the best mom on earth — you realistically cannot be perfect. You had flaws, and it sounds to me like those flaws contributed to this.

You could disagree, and you’re entitled to that, but if you were really so great it’d be hard to imagine any reason why he’d want to get away from you so quietly and quickly. If we played devils advocate then who knows, maybe you were a great mom and he’s got a grudge about some thing in the past. If that were the case, then only he would be able to give you clarity because that’s his issues to unpack. We would have no idea what the catalyst truly is without his input.

[HollyK21]

Also, I don’t think this is about spoiling him. A spoiled kid won’t resent their parent, and you claim to have given him everything.

[BonzoInBitburg]

You job as a parent is to raise your kids to be independent adults who don't need you anymore. Part of that is learning how to deal with disappointment. You're not their friend when they are your responsibility. Spoiling kids does nothing to prepare them for adulthood.

[Asker]

Then I basically failed him without realizing. I wanted to change my ways. I felt so terrible how I treated others and my younger brother in the past that I likely became permissive with my son. I though by doing that, I was making it up for everything.