My "best friend" hasn't been the bestest best friend lately. How would you deal with this situation?

[Anonymous]

So my "best friend" hasn't been the bestest best friend lately. She's not there for me and she sometimes ditches me for a girl I don't like to be around since she brings drama. She ditched me twice in row including NYE so we're currently iffy right now. She hasn't talked to me in over a week and only talked to me tonight because its my birthday. Our conversation was normal because I don't want drama on my birthday. Anyways now her boyfriend is getting involved. He's putting stuff on twitter that I know is directed towards me tonight and the current fight I'm having with her. He's read text messages from me to her (she sometimes allows him to check her texts which is already controlling) and in the texts I've told her to leave him and that she deserves better. They fight a lot. He's grabbed her hand in anger and has left marks/made it bleed, he's also choked her. I've done everything I could to make her leave him other than tell other people (I'm the only person that knows, he doesn't know that I know) but she wont. She thinks that he's sorry for what he did and that he won't do it again. Sometimes I think that she would hide him doing anything else from me especially since we haven't been talking as much as we use to (they've been together for a year). The situation is already bad between us and now I feel like he's egging her on to not be my friend. What do you think the best thing for me to do is? Should I walk away since she's already been a crappy best friend to begin with? I don't see her leaving him.

[Anonymous]

i can relate, this past year I realized a couple of my best friends really showed their true colors. when the time comes and you need your friend the most, and they don't come through that's when reality slaps you in the face that this person isn't a good friend, may be not even a good person. friendship isn't based on selfishness, if you're with a friend who always cares about themselves and its always me, me, me, me me me me then you know that this friendship is going nowhere. friendship is supposed to be a two way street.

also you're trying to help save her from her abusive boyfriend and she's not listening, well guess what your opinion doesn't matter to her and she has no respect for you.

this is a wake up call for you to leave her, walk away and never look back. that's what I did with my ex best friends I rather be alone then to be with fake friends who have an evil side to them. that's not the kind of friendship I signed up for. if someone doesn't appreciate you in their life, they constantly disrespect you, they constantly get you down, theyre not adding to your life then its clear that you should remove them. I know its hard because you overthink that its not worth throwing the friendship away and all and all those years you go back, I thought the same way but after years and years and years I found that I was always getting upset and getting hurt with these people, id have a heartache and start crying because my best friend didn't care for me or she treated me in a way I didn't want to be treated, and if that friend disrespects you once, they will ALWAYS disrespect you, they think you will be naive and forgive them and will let it go. you have to have self respect and show them how its done. just disappear from her life and don't look back. you're strong minded and did everything on your part to be a good friend that's all that matters.

when I left my ex friends I was so liberated and calm after a long time, no one was dictating my life, no one getting me down, no one judging me and getting my temper up, instead I got out and met new buds I met one friend at a job interview and were such cool friends now and she's so sweet and respectful. it makes you realize that there are so many trillions of people out in the world and not everyone is a jerk, there are sweet people too who will understand you and be on the same page as you. you just have to filter out the jerks in life and find the good people.

[Anonymous]

I relate to this too well. I had a 'best friend' who was there for me till she became dependant (so to speak) on her rather manipulative boyfriend, who deliberately would get in the way of any friendship she had who'd call him out for his behavior. It got to the point where the coward would through about any non-face to face method attempt to insult and demean me and others. And she would take his side on the basis of not wanting to because a relationship fight.

It really unfortunate when friends get into relationships that control them and they don't realize it anymore. And its really hard as a friend to influence them or make them see what's going on until they decide to stand up to their own situation. Otherwise there's not much a friend can do.

Given there's been physical harm in this case, I don't think it'd be out of line for you to confide in someone else or let others know. That can grow into a really dangerous situation. That's also about all you've got left you can do. Get another opinion from someone who knows them.

Then as tough as it is, unless they decide to commit to working out their issues, don't feel obligated to stay in that friendship with her. It'll sap more of your energy than its worth.

It sucks. I feel for you.

[Sayaka1202]

I would also like to wish you a Happy Birthday. In response to your question I think that some friends, best friends or no are not worth keeping. I had to dump my oldest best friend whom I had known for 8 years because she no longer cared about me and was just interested in using our relationship to benefit herself. It was surprising to everyone even our parents, who are friends, but I could not handle her behavior anymore. So in summary, in my opinion don't keep crappy friends no matter how close you were.

[Asker]

Yea true. I've walked away from a few best friends, but its not easy no matter what. Thank you for the response and birthday wish!

[snowboarder720]

hey, happy birthday! anyways, I felt your pain. I've lost a few best friends for stupid reasons, reasons that I'm still unsure of what they are. Although I don't know your friend very well, I can tell you that if all they will do is not listen to you and ditch you when you least expect it... They shouldn't be your friend. If they don't make you feel good inside, then you should get out more and find friends who will be there for you like how you will for them.

Just curious, how long have you known this friend? I think your a good hearted person because your trying to help her make smart decisions about her boyfriend and such. But again, if all she's going to do is listen to her douche bag boyfriend. What else can you do?

I'd suggest backing off and giving her space. If she can think what's best for herself, she'll think about you and appologize for acting the way she did. If she doesn't... forget about it.

[Asker]

Thank you! I've known her for about 3 years.

[Distant]

First of all, Happy birthday to you. It's too bad that you have to deal with this on this day. Now let's get down to business. The only way to approach this is to clearly tell your friend that you would like to remain friends with her but you're not going to because of her boyfriend. I've seen this countless times and the outcome is always the same. Girl meets guy, girl develops feelings for guy, guy gets crazy, guy cuts off all of her friends and family, break-up ensues and the girl is left alone and devastated and brought it all upon herself for not seeing it sooner. There's nothing you can do for her, sadly. At least, nothing that I've found. She has to help herself.

[Asker]

Yea I agree which is why I think I need to end it too. I know how its going to end up for her which is sad because she doesn't see it. It is typical. Thank you! and thank you for the happy birthday!

[Distant]

Glad I could help in some way and sorry for your potential loss of a friend. I hope you had a good birthday despite :]

[islands7]

Your Boyfriend is weak, a follower, perhaps even lazy

thus

is more easily influenced by others that can offer her attention, etc.

She currently has a male & female pulling her away from you .. and she is not resisting them.

Realize that your efforts to protect & attract her back are partly self-centered and admit she does have power over her life to make choices. She has chosen to try another path for awhile. You must allow her this freedom and for yourself PRIVACY.

You will find less drama & better friendships once you are free from this quest that is becoming a bird's nest of snarls.

[Asker]

I'm not understanding how its self centered?

[islands7]

YOU don't wish to give her up, even temporarily ... to find her own way, make her own deicsions ... you might feel lonely

[Asker]

No, I'm fine with letting her find her own way and make her own choices obviously if I'm still friends with her while she's with a guy who chokes her.

[islands7]

Good for you - now let go, quit this quest for now. A Boyfriend will return after they solve their mess.

[theydidntnameme]

Well this is tough. I think there's not much you can do as it's been shown, because she's still managed to believe in her boyfriend. You gave your best effort and for a lot of things in life that's all anyone can ask for. So I suggest you get rid of her since she's ditching you. But since your the only one that knows the extent of her problems, you should really tell someone so that this doesn't die with you. Don't tell people for the sake of telling, tell people that you think might be able to make a difference in her life. Maybe they'll be able to get through to her so she doesn't end up dead, or worse..

Oh and happy belated birthday!

[Miss2Fabulous]

Girl, I dealt with almost the same crap from a "best friend" that I THOUGHT was my B.F.F. since kids. But Happy Birthday one & 2, cut her ass OFF! You do NOT need all of that drama in your life. It's NOT worth it. A TRUE friend wouldn't act and do all of the things that she's doing to you or has allowed her boyfriend to do to you. That's just not cool. And it's basically that she's being a doormat to that loser, who's probably not good for her anyways and they most likely won't last. When they break up, she'll realize what a dumbass she's been and it'll be too late for her and you. You can do better and you don't need people who aren't going to be true to you and be a positive in your life. Besides its a new year, their yester-years trash so no wonder they stink. Do you and you'll see it'll get better and you'll probably meet a better friend(s). Some people are just here for a season and a reason. :) G.L.!

[heyitsdan]

Give the bitch the boot, if she see's the errors of her ways, maybe you two can be friends again. But for now, stop talking to her. You already did your part as a friend. The ball is in her court. Let her decide. You or her bf.

[Asker]

Yea you're right, thanks!

[Avacodo]

Maybe you should stop trying to get her to leave her boyfriend. You should drop the situation and the people involved. It's a new year and you deserve better. People aren't going to change, you need to decide what is best for you. This situation doesn't sound healthy for anyone involved, if they won't listen to a voice of reason, then that voice should exit the building, stage right.

[hakuna_matata]

well... walk away. she is in an abusive relationship and people who are so meek with their boyfriend become extra bitchy with friends.i have really seen it. they try to compensate it somewhere. anyway... best friends don't let their bfs come in between fights and certainly not post about it on internet. this is a chain of disrespect..he does not respect her...does not respect her friends..she does not respect herself and u. just get out of it

[DiamondKutt]

Happy Birthday! :D

She's not going to leave him, sorry. You said she loves drama, right? In my mind, she has real issues that she needs to deal with. You've done absolutely nothing for her to treat you like this & she's picking an abusive boyfriend over you. Sometimes it takes people like that to lose everything they have in order to realize that they're in a bad situation.

[wilma_brown2]

Tell her parents(or anyone with more wisdom) about the violence. Tell someone who can control her, NOT her boyfriend.