I don't think girls like introverted guys like me?

Question

I do things introverts do: I write and read. But, I also watch movies, listen to music, play sports, read about sports. And I can make people laugh. If I have a relationship, I'd want it to be long-term... I'm not a fling guy.

In the past, I wasn't very social; that's changed as now I feel confident when I talk to a girl, I'll initiate conversations now instead of waiting for people to talk to me. But the problem is, it seems to me that I'm not "exciting" to girls or any of that stuff because, you know, I don't go to bars, I don't party, or any of that stuff. I love doing thrill-seeking stuff, like roller coasters, and whitewater rafting, and rock climbing, but I don't party and all that. I'm a smart guy who's in med school at the age of 21.

But it just seems like girls aren't looking for someone like me. I've only made a serious attempt at a girlfriend once and it blew up (I've read up on a lot of this stuff, so I didn't make mistakes like being clingy and too nice and all that, but it still didn't work). In retrospect, she didn't seem to want a guy like me and now it seems like several girls don't.

I've tried "changing" myself. I've tried going to the bar, I've tried going to parties, being more extroverted, but in the end I'm uncomfortable and unhappy. So I went back to who I was. The thing is, I fear that I'm not appealing and that I'll be stuck alone. Any tips/comments?

CuddlyCarla · Accepted Answer

First of all, I don't know what kind of girls you are hanging out with that you think 'interesting' to them is going to bars and parties. It seems you underestimate a lot of women, there are plenty of them out there who don't enjoy that. Go out and find them, obviously not in those places because they won't be there but frequent places where people like yourself go, join groups and go on activities and develop hobbies where you will meet like-minded people. Good for you for learning how to be more assertive, it's essential for success in any area of society. Don't generalize women and say they all want this or they all want that. They are all different and every one expects and likes different things. Instead of getting your advice from books, get it from real life experience. If you've only tried to have a girlfriend once, that would explain the lack of know-how. This is the kind of thing you have to go out into the world and develop on your own. It's statistics, the less women you attempt to connect with the more alone you'll be. The guy who takes that chance constantly will find what he is seeking faster because he gives himself more options. It seems like your biggest problem is judgment, towards yourself and towards girls. 'They are all like that', 'Several girls don't want me'. It appears you have a self-confidence/self-esteem problem, which would explain why you have failed to attract women more-so than any technique. Build confidence in yourself and then you won't have the same problems internally and in existing in the world and succeeding. Going to a bar or party isn't 'changing' yourself, it's changing your environment. Two totally different things. Instead of focusing on superficial pursuits, focus on developing and changing your inner life, not where you go. You are still you no matter where you go, so you better learn to like yourself and develop into the person you want to be. In that area, books can be of help to you, like self help books or motivational tapes. Develop hobbies, get good at things you like, find your niche. Don't go back to who you were, keep moving forward and develop into what you want. Why keep rehashing something if you know it isn't working for you? 'The only thing to fear is fear itself'. Your own fears of being alone and your perspective that you aren't interesting and appealing is your problem. Women aren't attracted to this mentality, neither are employers or any other number of people you will deal with in life. Take control of yourself now before it's too late so you don't keep missing valuable opportunities. Know your value and learn to accept yourself and the world will follow.

newyorkdoll · Accepted Answer

You definitely should not have to CHANGE yourself in order to get a girl -- because in the long run that will just blow up in your face.. Honestly, think about it.. You'd rather go and change things about yourself just so you can actually BE IN A RELATIONSHIP? Being in a relationship isn't about the the thought of "having" a significant other - it's about actually being in a relationship and spending your time with someone else who shares the same interests as you and/or if your personalities click.

I can tell you first hand that I DON'T like guys who go out partying and to clubs all the time. Regardless of what many people say, looks DO matter. They matter a little more to others, but no one wants to be in a relationship with someone they are not physically attracted to even the slightest bit. It doesn't matter if you're an "introvert" or not - I can guarantee you that there are millions of "introverted" girls out there.. You can't go and change yourself so a relationship works out, nor should you be willing to do so. You gotta find yourself before you go and find someone else.

More times than not, when you're actually LOOKING for a relationship you'll never find it.. But when you stop looking and start living - you will eventually find one. Make sure that you are fun to be around.. And if your little "tactics" that you're using right now to NOT be yourself need to be changed back to who you truly are inside. Pretending to be someone you're not is like lying to your significant other. With the way that you view relationships and obsess over them, girls may find that as a turn-off.. If they get the sense that the guy is trying too hard or trying to rush into things that could scare her off pretty quick. Just be yourself and let someone find you. You're never gonna find a relationship while you're looking right now because you don't even really know who you are. Focus on you and let the rest fall into place.

Simple-Simonette · Accepted Answer

The problem with trying to be something that you're not is that it smacks of insincerity. It's forced and obvious and that makes women uncomfortable. I know it isn't your fault, but since they don't know your motivations - wanting to be more desirable - it comes off as fake.

As an introverted woman, I understand how you feel - it's hard being surrounded by people who don't understand that underneath the shy demeanor is a person who wants to connect. People are drawn to what is familiar to them and if you're going after extroverted women, well, it isn't going to work if you are not naturally extroverted.

In order to be more comfortable in this world, you need to be comfortable with yourself. You need to accept yourself the way you are - if you're truly an introvert, not shy, but introverted - learn to accept that. With self acceptance comes confidence - and with confidence comes social acceptance.

You need to be true to yourself.

There are a few websites out there that talk about introverted traits and how to navigate in an extroverted world with minimal damage. You should check them out.

Good luck.

AbeAnnis · Accepted Answer

I can see by the way you write that you're certainly not "some dumb jock" in whom girls don't tend to be interested after high school. It does sound like you're not as confident as you think you are. I know how it feels to think you're casting the line perfectly but no fish are biting. Maybe the bait isn't presented very well!

Don't worry; you can change this! It won't be easy, though. Don't buy books about being more confident or listen to tapes in your car about what women want. That's a waste of money. What you need to do first is figure out what is interesting about you. For example, if you are interested in a particular author or kind of book, bring that up in conversation. You're in med school, so that's got to be interesting! Find a few things and even write them down if you want to so that you don't forget them.

Secondly, buy some better clothes. Don't blow a lot of money on them. You can find good-looking jeans, shirts and shoes on sale at TJ Maxx or Nordstrom Rack. Girls want to see that you know how to dress yourself well. I would suggest a vertically-striped casual dress shirt, some loose-fitting but not baggy or over-sized jeans (one's that look sharp and accent your lower half favorably), and some simple black leather shoes and a belt to match. Also, get a haircut and shave every morning or right before you're going out. Girls like a smooth face more than a bearded one and neat hair rather than sloppy.

Be clean and smell good. Buy some cologne, but don't go crazy with it. Follow the directions on the bottle! The most important thing is to shower and brush your teeth.

Lastly, find an interesting way to start a conversation. You could ask her about something that she's wearing or about something that you just overheard her say, make a joke about something in your surroundings, or just introduce yourself. Ask her some questions and listen to her answers. Women love it when you're attentive and not staring at their bodies.

Take it from there! You may get some bad reactions at first, but don't let them phase you! There are PLENTY of women out there and the more you practice talking to women, the more comfortable and confident you'll be. Just relax and enjoy their company!

Oh, and you may want to think about meeting girls outside of bars as much as possible. Join some clubs that interest you, go to cool museums, coffee shops with friends, etcetera. The girls you meet in bars are girls who go to bars, and that's not something you're into, so why bother with them?

Be yourself and have fun!

Good luck!

-Abe

Phoenix52 · Accepted Answer

Here's the thing to think about in being an introverted person:

YOU'RE A GOOD LISTENER! Ok? You're only 'shy' if you feel insecure, fearful, or experience any other negative feelings in the company of others. Pick up your confidence and feel good about yourself. And if anyone you meet tries to bring you down, DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. Joke about it and don't let it change your behavior. Stay happy. Giving off good vibes will make you a popular ass. Giving off bad vibes in any way, such as being shy, will get you nowhere.

Bars/parties are fun. The thrill I find in it is the opportunity to interact with new individuals. I have the chance to expand my social circle with more girls/guys. Now as far as this med school and other senses of accomplishment go, DON'T BRING IT UP unless someone wants to know. No one is gonna care. There's a thin line between being confident and being arrogant. So if someone does ask 'what do you do?', feel free to tell them and describe a bit of it.

Don't ever use your med school sh*t as a source of power over other individuals. Even lawyers/congressmen, higher ranked individuals make mistakes the same way anyone else would.

Chances are, girls HAVE checked you out - you just didn't know it. Do me a favor - THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE A GIRL THAT YOU WANT TO TALK TO, GO DO IT. DON'T BE A P*SSY. DON'T BE AFRAID. I've used direct game to girls I've met, saying that I wanted to talk to them because they are attractive and they caught my eye. IT WORKS. THEY WERE FLATTERED AND WE TALKED FOR A GOOD BIT and exchanged numbers. And in doing so, I got a girlfriend now.

And about women - don't chase them so much. Don't be desperate. If a girl isn't attracted to you, move on and find another. NO ATTACHMENTS, NO NEEDS. You're interested in her, but you still don't care if you lose her. And you're also not gonna find a girl by sitting at home and reading things. Get out and meet new people, even if it's at the grocery store.

If you can't manage to talk to people, how can you hold down a good relationship with a girl? You need to be able to communicate.

wordsalad · Answer

Relax, just be yourself. You really don't have a choice in the matter if you are introverted or extroverted. If you were confident would you be posting this and tried changing? You are fine. A good book for introverts is The Introvert Advantage: ..., if you haven't read it already.

Some of the issue is maturity all the parties involved. You know what you want "long-term" relationship and not a fling. Most people your age, asides from some introverts, want to experience life at that age, they want everything, and can't really focus or settle down. More and more people start looking to settle down when they are approaching 30, but don't let that keep you from falling in love everyday and getting your heart broken. It is good for you.

It is good to understand introverts and extroverts. You can't really change but you can manage both. It helps to see when people are starving for other human interactions verses when people are overwhelmed by all the stimulants around them. You can do anything as an introvert, you just need to plan time for yourself. That is a pretty understanding and uplifting book by the way (The Introvert Advantage.)

Introverts tend to prefer a few close friends to a large group of shallow acquaintances. If you weed out your friends for close friends, how much more so would you have to weed out people for a long-term relationship?

Read that book, won't take you long. I am not a reader more of a math/science nerd, so for give my English. Know what you want from the relationships you form and be open about it, i.e. let people know your expectations, and ask for their expectations. Even word definitions is helpful, but I am a freak of nature. "Dating" means so many different things to so many people, never assume you are on the same page.

Don't worry about 'dating' I do too much. Force yourself to 'drag' someone along with you when you do stuff you want to do, don't come up with new ideas for them (at first). So if you normally go to the store get some food and come home and cook it and watch a movie... that would be your 'date.' You will find out fast what they think of that. Plus, you did what you wanted to do, and didn't waste a night punishing yourself at a party. You are the guy, you make the rules, just don't be a dic-tator. If things don't work out, you will still grow as a person.

Keep your head up, you got this.

Batali777 · Answer

Your description is exactly the way I used to be word for word. I always felt like girls thought introverted guys were "creepy" because we are not very outgoing.  This idea of introvert behavior being malignant is quite false. Psychologists have found that extroverts are much easier to hypnotize, or control. Extroverts are part of the group of followers and often are praised for being the go-getters but are really much quicker to be joiners and to be concerned about what others think of them. Don't be controlled by what you think others will think of you, be yourself. . Some of histories greatest leaders were introverts. Abraham Lincoln was an introvert. You should be proud to be an introvert. However, reading your statement I can see your problem is not being an introvert but the fact that you seem to feel defeated. You are discouraged over one bad experience with a girl. These things happen to all of us, just move on to the next one.  Go back and reread your statement. Pretend you are reading someone elses question and you will see a lot of undertones of feelings of defeat and negativity. This is what is a turnoff to girls because they can sense this when they talk to you. It's not the introvert that is the problem, it's the attitude.

Mastermind · Answer

Do not even think that you won't find someone.

You will when the right time comes and just be yourself. Don't try to be someone that the other may like cause in the end you'll be sick of pretending and unhappy and in that way you're going to end the relationship.

So just be you and you'll find someone who respects and loves you and you sure will like her. It's good that you aren't clingy and too good cause believe me I know what it feels like to be with someone like that and the girl will probably lost her interest for you. That flame that keeps two people attracted will vanish.

And about that reading thing-girls aren't bothered at all cause that means that you are a smart guy and girls love that. They don't want someone who is stupid,who will be just annoying. And we love someone who can makes us laugh.

So you have most of the things that girls love: Smart,funny,cool and not boring. Even if you don't go out and get drunk all the time the girls who don't seem to notice you and do like guys like that will find someone who in the end will use them and they are probably very stupid... So why do you even care about what they think and like? Maybe someone likes you and is very shy and you don't know it or you just notice that who don't like you and just loose confidence.

palepetiteandhonest · Answer

wow, if I met you when I was single I would have been so happy. Don't change. You must have worked hard to be in med school so maybe you have had the time to develop your social circle to the point where you met the right one. Don't compare yourself to other guys, You don't want shallow quantitative dating, you want a relationship and true relationships grow from friendship.

You sounds like a catch so I think you will find in a few years girls will be jumping all over you, maybe you should indulge in a good old fashioned makeover. Ask a trusted female friend whether you should cute your hair different/let it grow or if you can make use of your ... assets better.

Girls are good at looking deeper but physical attraction needs to be there. A pearly white smile is dazzeling, sexy eyes are framed well by a well chosen haircut, a sexy butt it best shown off by certain trousers.

personally I think you just need to give your new found confidence time to grow and maybe meet some new people who aren't stuck with the old image of you. Sometimes shy people can come off as unapproachable and first impressions can stick. If you have a new persona its going to take people a while to get used to it

JackieTreehorn · Answer

Wow. I mean, wow. This is me inside and out. Well, except for med school, I'm a bit younger than you are, but, for the most part, I am everything that you've described here, to a tee. You know what it is, man? We could get girls if we really wanted. We'd just have to be assholes. Girls don't like assholes BECAUSE they're jerks, but because they give off the sense of male dominance, danger, mystery, "hard-to-get," a strong alpha male. The only thing is, you and I both have moral integrity, and wouldn't bare to treat women in such a horrible way, even if they'd want it to be so. We follow the rule of treat others as you would want to be treated, but it's getting us nowhere. We either turn our backs on everything we believe in, or say f*** it, and go for the girl. There's no two ways about it, unless you're extremely lucky. So, here we are, two nice guys, waiting for luck to pass our way.

margothenobody · Answer

Hi ^^

I would like to say one important thing: I like introvert, sweet guys way more than I like extravert guys.

I don't go to parties myself, and I don't even drink alcohol.

Myself, I would love to have a long-term relationship as well... But yeah, no one seems to want me. Appearently, I'm not that interesting myself...

I know the feeling, fearing to be alone for the rest of your life. I have that a lot.

You know, I cried ... well, I sometimes cry when I realize it...

I really hope you find your girl, you seem like a really, really okay guy.

Don't change yourself. Not for anyone, they're not worth of you when they can't appreciate who you are.

x

Margo

BerryCherry · Answer

You sound perfect for me.  I wish I could find a guy like you, I don't need a guy who climbs mountains, jumps off of cliffs, sky dives, etc LOL.  I also don't like bars & the party scene.  I'd like a guy who I could have an intelligent conversation with about philosophy, psychology, literature, & etc.  Also, my greatest passions are for music, movies, & writing.  I know I'm not the only girl who feels this way, so don't give up.  There are plenty of girls like me, you just have to be willing to put yourself out there so we can find you.

Flexy · Answer

Oh my gosh!

You sound like my kind of guy (this isn't a technique to nab you lol).

But please don't change yourself, I want to encourage you! I love introverts, and I think if I had to be more honest, you're more suited to my sis than me, she graduated from Med school 2 years ago and has been working, she loves to read, and she hates cocky, loud or typical guys.

I don't like guys who are on hype, because they believe they are different, I like guys who ARE different and don't feel to go on about how unusual they are.

Hopefully the next girl you find appreciates you.

Kudos to you, you've impressed without any pics or detailed description.

Btw, who the heck feels down about being in Med school at the age of 21 AND reading, being smart, and caring in a relationship.

I have NO tips for you MR!

Lol

VolleyballBabe1117 · Answer

Wow. You sound perfect! I love to write poetry and read old books but I love playing volleyball and running track. I'm still fun loving and a but too wild considering I take advanced history and English! I'm class president and I love making people laugh. But I'm a big partier too. I like deep relationships not hook ups. I also love writing songs and playng them on guitar for my bf's!  I think guys date me for my looks and body but I'm really a pretty girl with a great personality. And a lot of unique qualites! I'm with you. There is a girl out there who loves everything you've described about yourself. And you'll find her:)

alleycat42 · Answer

you seem like the type of guy I'd go out with, honestly. As you've said, you have confidence. To me, the best combination is someone who is introverted yet confident. Sometimes being introverted can come across as having a low self-esteem which is a huge turn off, but since you also seem to be pretty confident, it just makes you seem like a more real, genuine person. Not the cocky type, which is personally my biggest turn-off. Confdence is very, very important, so be happy with who you are and don't change anything just for a girl. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true.

SoulSister · Answer

I like introverts a lot better than the more out-going guy. I have dated an out-going guy and the relationship didn't last long. The introverted guys I have dated have lasted a lot longer and the break up's were not so messy. Introverted guys are more my type. Honestly, there is nothing I find more attractive than a guy with a book in his hands. my tips would be not to change who you are, stop reading up on dating and what not to do's(don't be afraid to make mistakes), and just be yourself. You sound perfect, there is a girl who is waiting for you, you just have to find her. (As chessy as that sounds..)

hersheysxoxo · Answer

theres something very mysterious about introverted guys but being sch an extroverted person, it seriously frustrates me. I always want to give the person my full personality, let them in, and I don't have the patience to sit around with a clam waiting for it to open up. I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing. never knowing what they think wrecks my brain, and I can't seem to read them very well. in the end they leave me confused. and if we end things I'm always wondering what I did wrong. I've goven up on shy guys, its just too much work. I can't be expected to do all the work, especially with no response on your guys' part. it too emotionally straining. you seem like a great guy, nut do you understand where I'm coming from?

kiddosalias · Answer

you sound fabulous! I wish there were more guys like you! =[

haha, but on a more serious note: maybe try hanging out with a big group of friends who can bring their girl friends and whatnot?--like a gathering. or, since you like to read/write, go to a bookstore? I know for a FACT that some women go to bookstores with some other intentions, if you know what I mean lol.

but, I don't know. you're still young. I'm sure women who deserve a guy like you will be fawning all over you soon enough. just be patient!

flumen333 · Answer

For the record, I would go out with you because I look for people who don't party or try to be someone they're not.  Don't change yourself just to feel like you fit in.  It's not fair to you and it's not fair to anyone else since you aren't being genuine.  Keep doing what you enjoy and before you know it, someone is going to be interested in you.  (Who wouldn't?  You're going to med school at 21!)  I'm very much like you and I just now (I'm 21 too) started dating a really nice guy.  It was worth the wait!

dasreaper · Answer

I am a introvert person myself. I worked in TV for 6 years and kept to myself most of the time. I am currently working on a girl, but she is throwing too many curve balls in my direction (she pushes me away, and brings me back and push again.)

In the past 6 months, I have been trying to come out. It is hard, well very hard since I suck at making conversation, and still do. But I was a lot better now than I was a year ago.

Basically the best thing you can do is hang out at small bars, you may be uncomfortable but, over time the regulars will get to know you and the staff. (BTW, don't let the staff hook you up with a girl cause every time my friends do, they stick me with some crazy girl.)

cacapisu · Answer

There was an article on here about how womens are attracted to the guy who is socially successful. I think they are right most of the time but not all the time though. It depends how mature the girl is, what does she want from life etc... not all girls are the same and also they change their minds very often...(introverted girls can become very extroverted if given the occasion)

My advice?

Keep it real, be honest with yourself and others go on with your life, don't waste time thinking about this stuff, it's useless (been ther, done that). You will know when you'll find the right girl and you will find it, not all people evolved the same way.

Anonymous · Answer

You seem like a worthwhile guy that has a lot to offer. Your shyness is holding you back. You should go for a girl who has things in common with you. not every girl goes to bars, parties even though a lot do, not all of us do. Your problem is you need to find a girl who isn't the typical partier type girl. Most likely she will be shy and introverted like you. Attempt to get to know a girl who is more similar to you and I believe you will have better luck. Its not that you aren't appealing, I mean every guy no matter who he is is gonna get turned down. You're not gonna be a good fit for every girl you are interested and vice versa. Don't change yourself, you may want to be a bit more approachable and talk to girls but still just change the type of girl you go for

Reeses-pieces777 · Answer

actually I like introverted guys, it's better than guys I've dated. Better than guys who lie about who they really are or who take advantage of girls etc. all guys I've dated have been said by others to be in the jerk category unfortunately and that's what it's like sometimes.

so being a smart guy and going to med school is a good thing. just maybe relax and just she'll come your way. I'm dating but it's not working out too well ha ha and I'm in university planning to go to med school.

Ichibanguy · Answer

"I'm a smart guy who's in med school at the age of 21."

'nuff said...

It's sad because after med school so many girls want to take home a doctor that you'll be getting the most *cough*. Just don't flunk out because second place gets you nothing. I mean it! lol

Gregs · Answer

Attracting women has nothing to do with being extroverted.  There are plenty of guys that are introverted who get girls.  I'm not sure what you have read, but yes, not being clingy and not being nice is the first step but you also need to create emotion in the woman that would make her want to be with you.  Women are all about emotion and connection, you can do that by getting her drunk or you can do it by a poem, there is more than one way to skin a cat and being introverted is no excuse

I don't think girls like introverted guys like me?

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