Is it OK to tell a girl to let you know when she's free to meet?

[Anonymous]

A girl who you've talked to for a while, has been busy, and might be losing interest for some reason. Just asking if this is a way to respond to a "gentle" let down of being "busy". Thanks..

[Coleen]

At first when I read your question, my answer was going to be the same as beerY33, but now things sound a bit different. I think you ares aying that you like her and are working hard to show her, but she isn't putting in the same effort, so what should you do (to move on?)?

If you like her, you should tell her you like her (if you haven't already). Wait to see what she says. I think you can gauge it from there. You can also pull back a bit, but I wouldn't just say "when you are free." That seems kind of passive aggressive. If you want to move on, then just tell her you feel that she is not that interested and you are going to move on. Good luck.

[Asker]

Well it's a bit more than just that...we met 4 months ago, kept meeting and talking, after 2 weeks I let her know how much I liked her and that I wanted to be with her (rushed I know, but that's another topic), broke up few weeks after since she felt overwhelmed, continued hanging out, she initiated interest by holding hands, hugging, then suddenly after she started responding cold. then 2 weeks silence. then I ask to meet and this.

i asked in a way knowing she's busy, not trying to be mean ever

[Asker]

I just want to meet to talk to her, let her know how I feel, do you still think it was a bad way?

[Coleen]

Your question to her definitely left it open and as you now see, made you more confused and feeling more agony. :-) Sorry. You can, however, wait a week, then text her one more time and say you are free this weekend and would like to know if she would like to go out. If she says she is busy again, then you must move on. If she says yes, then good.

[Asker]

Hmm...i'm reluctant only because I feel as if I've put in more effort, it sucks because makes it feel as if I'm the one making it a big deal, and yes it hurts.. I'm not sure if I can handle more of this, of asking her to meet when she's been uninterested, but I'll consider it. For now, I'm continuing knowing she isn't likely to ever respond sadly. Thanks for you advice. Always appreciate people who understand that I'm feeling a bit down from this.

[Asker]

But that wasn't very nice of you putting a smiley face at my expense... haha

[Coleen]

I know sorry. :-p Hahaha...

[beerY33]

If she's losing interest and you ask her to let you know when she's free, then nothing's going to happen. If you want something to come of it still, then throw out a couple of dates/times and see if she's free then.

[Asker]

Yeah I definitely agree with you, but this is after a time where I've been the one interested, even when we both talked for hours and things seemed great. It may not make sense, but what I'm trying to say is I feel as if I've put in so much effort already, if she doesn't want to reciprocate then I'm able to move on, even if I care about her and wish we could continue getting to know each other. What about this situation then?

[Asker]

oh I meant I've been the one seeming *more interested. I know she was interested or else I wouldn't have bothered!

[beerY33]

oh, I gotcha. so you're ready to move on then? well, I guess your approach makes sense. if she's actually interested, she can do something about it, otherwise, you can both just leave it.

[Asker]

Yes I'm able to move on though it hurts, but I'll learn from mistakes. She was the first girl I ever pursued after having many chances with others. Our time together was happiest of my life I believe, just a new experience you know?

Actually this is the first time she's ever turned down meeting with me. Can I ask if you think it's true that turning down a date in the first place is a bad sign for the guy? This is maybe more obvious, but is it even clearer if she offers no "rain check" day?

[beerY33]

well, what was her reasoning for turning down the date? how'd you ask her and what exactly did she reply?

[Asker]

It was over text (terrible I know but we've always texted, she seemed to like texting better), and it went like this:

-hi, if you're free on Friday, wondering if you want to meet up?

-hey, I definitely would but I can't on fri, I have to come home after class

then I said something along OK, if any Fridays good (univ schedule problem..) for you just let me know, to which she said OK sounds good, sorry about that.

[beerY33]

I think you could've maybe thrown out another specific date, but as of right now it's kind of in her hands. maybe it's time to move on. speaking from experience, dating people who aren't as interested in you as you are in them is not worth it.

[Asker]

Yeah tell me about it, and it sucks when they're such a great person. So you're saying it wasn't the best way to put things in her hands, knowing where we're at?

And sorry, just wanted to get your opinion though on those two other questions I asked?

[beerY33]

I don't think it bodes too well for her getting back to you, but in the long run, you're better off without her. Whether or not turning down a date is a bad sign depends on the context.

[ImALuvrNotAFighter]

Sure, it can be. Let's say, for example, you ask a woman out and her response is, "I'm busy that night," but she doesn't offer an alternative day/time. A good follow-up question would be something like, "What day would work better for you?" If she doesn't give you a specific day, she's probably not interested.

[Asker]

We've talked about our schedules, so I'm only good for fri+weekends. So would it have been better to ask her directly when she's available than to put the ball in her court basically?

[ImALuvrNotAFighter]

Are you totally booked the other nights, or would you just have to keep the date shorter? If she's interested, she would want to spend time with you, even if it's just a quick cup of coffee or a meal on-the-go. But really, you're just trying to see if she'll give you a specific day at all; if she doesn't, she's probably not interested.

[Asker]

no, I have classes, she leaves on hour trip home. it's a bit late for that, maybe I should have asked that way though it didn't occur because of the schedule thing again. not good with what I said then?

[ImALuvrNotAFighter]

The way you asked her, it left things open-ended. You might hear from her; you might not. She already knows you're interested; now you're trying to find out if she's interested in you. If you ask her to name a specific day/time that WOULD work for her, it leaves much less room for misunderstanding and confusion.

[Asker]

yup, that's basically the point. I've put in much effort before all this, just seeing how she responds. if not interested, then I'm moving on sadly but fine with it.

would it seem desperate to ask her that way of "what day she's available" after having already asked her to let me know?

[ImALuvrNotAFighter]

Probably. Since you've already had the conversation, give her a few days or a week to get back to you, but I doubt if she will. Look at it this way: If you were interested in a woman and she wanted to go on a date, would you jeopardize your chances with her by being ambiguous and wishy-washy about when -- or even if -- you two were going to go on a date? Of course not! The same logic applies to her; I suspect her behavior is an indication of low interest.

[kheserthorpe]

If she liked you, she'd be proposing alternate times.

[Asker]

Unfortunately this is true.

My question though was if it's a good idea to tell her to let you know when she's free? I only said this because of 1) me already putting in much effort, and 2) gives her the chance to see her schedule and move from there since things can happen unexpectedly.

So what do you think about that question?