Was this girl's suggestive behavior flirting, even though she has a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

hung out with her at her work , she works at a restaurant but it wasn't very busy in her area ( patio ) as its fall and end of season so we talked a lot , it was kind of suggestive , she has a boyfriend but said he recently moved out of the area for school reasons. i always got the vibe she was jealous that i liked this other girl that we both know but that girl recently found a boyfriend.

[SummerSunsets_x]

So, from reading the question and then reading the comments in the comment section, this behavior that you are doing is not okay and not normal. I am not trying to come off as rude, but I am just calling it as it is and being very straight forward with you. The fact that you even admitted to paying her $10 to just hangout is borderline creepy to me. Looking her up on your own free time and looking at her videos on TikTok is also another thing, there is such a thing called cyber stalking and that is not okay. This girl that you are very obsessed with is just doing her job, it might come off as she is hitting on you but some people's personalities are like that and there not doing it intentionally, most workers that work in restaurants and cafes are supposed to have that kind, nurturing behavior due to professionalism and the jobs code of conduct for working there. She is probably just being nice to you because she doesn't want to be rude, that the fact that you are making her uncomfortable in some way. I would not dive so deep into it and thinking that she likes you just because she seems friendly, that is just how workers are because they have to uphold that. The fact that you said she has a boyfriend as well and you continue to seek her out just because of this '' feeling '' you have is not normal or okay at all. She has a boyfriend; it doesn't matter if you have seen him or not you should respect her space and the fact that she is in a relationship. I would suggest getting help before this situation actually starts blowing into something far worse. From what I have been reading you already have been pushing a lot of boundaries that normal people shouldn't really do. If this doesn't stop I have a feeling that police will get involved because this would be considered stalking, harassment (mind your harassment doesn't just have to be verbally it can be physical as well, ) You need to seek professional help sir.

[Asker]

but i only see her at that restaurant , despite being a small city of 20,000 i can't really recall seeing her anywhere else lately

do agree paying $10 to see her in a small town is kind of weird as you think there would be places we would run into each other here although we don't go to the same gym and her interests are mostly girly like she was into dance and spent a lot of her time when younger doing that

i have no idea how she would react if she saw me some where else as i have not seen her in such a situation lately

i never once said i though we'd date , just that she's a bit of a tease and likes the attention and seemed jealous that i liked her girlfriend

[HollyK21]

Respectfully dude, none of these young women are romantically interested. You are absolutely taking them doing their job, being friendly and making more of it. I said the same thing last year, and the year before. I don’t know what’s wrong with you but maybe you need some psychiatric help. Or at least consider it. Not trying to be rude, I’ve just seen you do this consistently for 3 years now and it never stops.

[Asker]

i suppose its unlikely she would actually want to do anything outside of work with me although today seemed different , yes true some girls do sort of tease me or enjoy the attention i give them.

the friendship i had with this girl has always been different than others in the past , she doesn't have a long term boyfriend she broke up with him last year cause relatiohship was too controling so new guy she's only been with a few months and he's not even here rate now

she was always very jealous that i liked one of her girlfriend's ( who does not work at the restaurant ) i'd go to her work and talk to her a lot but didn't manage to date her and now she suddenly has a new boyfriend so she's no longer worried about my interest in her girlfriend

[HollyK21]

You are the one that decided she was jealous, it is not something she ever actually said. You spend a lot of time in these places trying to analyze what the women working there are doing and overthinking what they say, with zero input from them. In your head there’s two women fighting for your attention, yet you have zero contact with them outside of their places of work, nor do they invite you out or add you on social media. But you sure do spend your free time looking up their accounts and trying to watch from the outside. You mentally insert yourself into anything you possibly can, and this is not normal. I feel like a big part of this is loneliness, you’ve been single for years and visit these places for female company. But it’s become creepy and strange.

[HollyK21]

It’s just delusional.

[Asker]

i don't follow her on social media , noticed she posted some videos to tiktok but i don't even have an account on that site so i never commented on them , they came off as very attention seeking.

despite living in the same area , yeah its true that i wouldn't of likely meet her if she had not worked at a restaurant downtown but i still feel like we have a genuine friendship there , most people doesn't understand our friendship because of the age diff and fact she works there. and i get that some people think its weird i'm so into her but i like her personality and she's fun to be around

i'm not suggesting were going to date cause of this , just she seems to be a bit more flirtly than normal

[HollyK21]

See, this is what I’m talking about. Notice how you blatantly ignored my core point? Which is that she is a captive audience paid to be nice? Instead you nitpicked details, like claiming you don’t have a TikTok account while admitting you still look up her videos. To me, that says you’re committed to your delusions, and will twist any response to fit your own personal narrative. That is not normal. Nor is it normal to seek her out online like that when she hasn’t invited you into her personal life. People don’t misunderstand your relationship because of the age gap, they just see things for what it is — you are a customer who’s purposely misinterpreting customer service. A genuine friend has your phone number, bangs out outside their place of work, and doesn’t have to serve you food or drinks to talk to you. You are literally paying for her time, so please do yourself a favor and stop over analyzing this woman. This is severe limerence and erotomania.

[Asker]

you don't need an account to look at tik tok video's , you can click on page and search a name/account and it comes up , sometimes have to do a verification though , i've never had an account on that site and never told her i saw her page either

a lot of the other girls there are always annoyed i spend so much time with her , and isn't even anything wrong with our friendship there , we just talk and like hang out when she is at work

yeah i had to pay $10 to hang out with her there but i don't feel that makes our time together not real , true she has actual real friends in real life , one day one of her girlfriend's came in and ordered food and she talked to her there which kind of annoyed me as she was obviously more interested in her and i get that her girlfriend was more interesting than me. her boyfriend never came in oddly enough i didn't see him once all summer

[HollyK21]

Damn, you have completely dug in. Once again, you ignored the most critical part of my message and instead focused on technical details, like explaining how to use TikTok without an account. You also made another staggering admission, which is that you KNOW you are paying $10 to hang out with her, it is not happening naturally, it’s not even her choice. The fact that you get annoyed when she interacts with her actual friends proves how unhealthy and entitled your mindset is. You are paying a business $10; you are not paying for a human being's genuine affection or exclusive attention. You are completely blocking out reality to protect a fantasy. I have laid out the truth for you, and I hope for the sake of those workers you eventually get the professional help you need.

[Asker]

its weird her boyfriend never like once came into the business , you think if you were dating a girl like that you'd come in at least once. i've never meet him but can recall seeing him at gym a couple years ago , came off is kind of shy and uninteresting , can't believe he managed to get with a girl like that a couple years later

ok but whatever restaurant i went to , have to pay $10 , its the price of admission to those spots. i just felt she was the most interesting choice , honestly think she is fine with it. perhaps likes the attention , maybe her tiktok is not enough needs attention in real life too and i was the one giving it to her, maybe her boyfriend takes her for granted or doesn't understand her needs

[HollyK21]

You are tracking her boyfriend's whereabouts, evaluating his personality from years ago, and deciding you know her 'needs' better than he does. This is textbook stalking behavior. You are not her friend, you are not her savior, and you are not an alternative to her boyfriend. You are an entitled customer who is rewriting a stranger's life to fit a creepy fantasy. Get psychological help before your obsession crosses a line that involves the police.

[Asker]

also she is not working there much longer going on a trip to se asia not with boyfriend as he's in school maybe with that girlfriend i saw before

but would imagine she'll be back next summer

i never said that i though we'd date , just she enjoys the attention and it got a bit suggestive , i don't think that we will date and she's going on a trip soon anyways so won't be here

[Asker]

no not tracking the boyfriend just noticed that he never once came into the business , guess he had no interest in the place and had other ways to stay in contact with her

if you had meet him years ago , would not have assumed he'd get a girl like this but somehow he did

i've never asked her anything deeply personal , today i asked her if she had been to this new pizza spot that just opened and she said no , i haven't been either , was that a bad question to ask?

[Asker]

also i originally tried to use a different question title but site changed it entirely to this which maybe gives off wrong vibe

[HollyK21]

You’re completely missing the point. It doesn't matter if you asked about a pizza spot. What matters is that you are collecting data on this woman tracking her boyfriend’s lack of visits, mapping out her upcoming travel plans, analyzing her relationship dynamics, and judging his worthiness of her.
This is obsessive tracking behavior, and stalking, not a casual customer interaction. You came here for advice, and the advice is to stop rationalizing this. Leave this woman completely alone, stop analyzing her life.

[Asker]

she mentioned the trip thing , i never asked maybe she was telling other co workers about it

i'm not tracking her outside of the restaurant , in fact cannot even recall seeing her outside of it once this summer and we live in a fairly small city of 20,000 so think there'd be places we'd both go to here

i've never once asked about her where abouts before or after work , its a take out pizza place could order it without even being there and get it delivered

[HollyK21]

Have you every received or considered psychiatric help?

[Asker]

i don't consider our friendship at that place unhealthy , i would only consider it unhealthy if i was entirely obsessed with her which i'm not , very open to meeting and talking to other women some may work at restaurants or not.

i like spending time with this girl but not like fixated exclusively on her , i've talked and meet other women this year who i also found interesting. i definitely don't feel i'm fixated souly on her or anything like that. only comes off as obsessive cause i've been to that place on such a high frequency

anyways did not go today as i went to gym and weather not good ( raining ) so patio likely closed anyways so she wouldn't even be there

i've talked to career councellors before or like councellors , i didn't find there ideas very helpful , one suggested i try and date people online but like women 5 or so years younger/older who live like an hour away in another city and i didn't feel that be very practical. he was convinced dating now days always exclusively online and that i would never meet anyone inperson or if i meet someone like at gym they'd already be taken as most girls who go to a gym are too desirable and already meet someone

[HollyK21]

You are literally jumping through hoops to convince yourself you aren't obsessed, but you just admitted you track the weather to figure out her exact shift times.
Here’s the reality you refuse to face: You live in a small town of 20,000 people. Word spreads fast. The managers, bartenders, and the girls themselves absolutely know who you are, and they talk about how creepy you are when you leave. They haven't banned you yet because they’re scared of how an unstable, entitled older man will react. You’re one bad night away from a manager calling the police and giving you a lifetime trespass warning.
I asked about psychiatric help because normal, healthy men do not spend their 40s lurking around college girls at their places of work, but you are so in denial and out of touch. You’re a regular at a restaurant, NOT a friend.

If you have any dignity left, stop going there before they force the police to handle you.

[HollyK21]

And before you make mention of not being kicked out of these places yet, here’s the reality: Managers don't ban creepy regulars the very first moment they make staff uncomfortable. In the real world, businesses avoid drama at all costs. They tolerate uncomfortable behavior for months — even years — because they’re scared of that customer making a scene, leaving terrible reviews, or retaliating against the young staff.

The manager being “friendly” to you is just basic conflict de-escalation. They are appeasing an unstable, older man to keep the peace. It isn’t a green light, and it isn’t an endorsement of your behavior. The moment your presence starts costing them money or a staff member threatens to quit because of you, that manager will ban you without a second thought.

Do not confuse a business trying to avoid a lawsuit or a fight with them actually wanting you there.

[Asker]

ok but men go to strip clubs have favorite strippers and pay for there time and presence , i don't know why you'd find it so odd that some men would have a favorite server and go there specifically to see her even if she was not interested in seeing them outside of the business. some women have the right personality and body image that men would be willing to pay to see them at work

i do wonder a lot why that restaurant has never tried to speak to me privately about things , as yes it seems my presence there has been an issue over the years. but its not all bad i mean yes some servers perhaps got annoyed with me but others i've got along with better if they were willing to talk to me and have conversations when there.

the manager or assistant has never specifically spoke to me about any girl who's ever worked there , its almost like they look down on me and i'm not even worth there time to deal with this. its not even worth there time to try and resolve the situation despite it perhaps desperately needing to be resolved

that place is in need of a rebrand anyways , it used to be more popular years ago , the inflation too isn't helping , its 8pm wed and Live: Not too busy according to google barely anyone is there

[HollyK21]

You just admitted the exact truth: you view those young college servers as strippers whose bodies you pay to look at, and you fully know your presence has been a massive issue for years.
You are checking Google's live foot traffic at 8pm on a Wednesday just to track her workplace. That is terrifying, obsessive behavior. The managers aren't “looking down” on you — they are ignoring a toxic customer because they are terrified of what an unstable man will do if they trigger a confrontation.

You know the situation desperately needs to be resolved, so resolve it yourself. Walk away from that business, stop treating captive young women like performers, and go get the psychological help you just admitted you need.

[Asker]

its the owner that created this situation not me , he is the one who specifically hired these young women for there looks knowing full well there would be men who would come into the business cause of it , if he wants to create a more inclusive and welcoming environment he needs to end his ban on hiring male servers / older women he deems unattractive , he's never once hired a male server even a fully qualified one. he's never once even spoke to me, i'm not even worth his time , despite the fact i'm always in his business causing issues i'm not worth his time of day

there is actually one guy they banned this semi homeless person well i think he might live in a boarding house maybe. he was allowed in around 2020 but got banned soon after and for years he'll like come downtown and make scenes on the street nearby. as restaurant is near a park and dock sometimes at dinner hour he pretend to fish on the dock and takes his shirt off to make more of a scene , the other night he was setting up a display of candles in the park nearby , the hostess was looking at it and people were wondering why , pretty sure he's doing it all to get back at manager who kicked him out , not even sure what he did maybe did pay tab?

[HollyK21]

You are blaming the owner for your own lack of self-control. It doesn’t matter who the business hires or what they wear — you are a grown man who is entirely responsible for your own behavior.

You just openly admitted that you go into a business with the deliberate intention of “causing issues” for young women and staff. Even worse, you are now hyper-fixated on another banned customer, studying how he loiters nearby to “get back” at the manager. You are looking for an excuse to escalate this into a real-world confrontation because your ego is hurt that you are being ignored.

You know exactly what you’re doing, you know you’re a problem, and you’re trying to blame everyone but yourself. Stay away from that business and stop harassing those workers before you end up banned and dealing with the police just like the other guy.

[Asker]

i don't view them as strippers although i'd admit some of them are very attractive but if i've talked to them i still like there personality so i never felt it was exclusively about looks

i don't put any though into this girls whereabouts outside the business , i know she likes starbucks like many other women too but i've never gone there looking for her , i don't even drink coffee

don't understand why you view this situation as my fault , yes i've been in this business many times but its the owner who made the key decisions that created these problems. he's specifically hiring certain girls for there looks well at the same time telling other qualified people they cannot even work there

according to federal law its illegal to do that here , there are prohibited grounds of discrimination , you cannot tell a person they cannot work at your business cause there gay or male or even too old , so its not even legal for him to do this , his way around seems to be he avoids using legit job search sites and hires staff through friends or by hiring them as hosts first and then servers if they have the right stuff but he never once uses legit job sites , so he already knows what he is doing is not allowed

[HollyK21]

Dude, you’re completely contradicting yourself now. Just one message ago, you explicitly compared these servers to strippers and said men pay for their bodies. Now you’re trying to walk it back because you realize how predatory it sounds.

You also just blamed the owner again, but your logic makes NO sense. Even if a business has bad hiring practices, that does not give you a legal or moral right to go inside and harass the young women who work there. A business owner’s hiring decisions aren’t an open invitation for you to treat captive employees like your own personal entertainment.

You’re completely obsessed with this establishment. You’re analyzing their hiring methods, their past job postings, and tracking what a 20 yr old server likes to drink. You are desperately trying to turn your creepy behavior into a legal crusade against the owner so you don't have to face the truth: you are a customer who is making young women uncomfortable. Stop making excuses, stop blaming the owner, and leave these workers alone.

[Asker]

there uniforms are actually fairly lame oddly enough , never any clevage or visible belly buttons, like literally always blue jeans or t shirts , nothing to see really

noticed that banned dude cause he's always downtown and often nearby the business , spoke to him before and pretty sure he's doing it intentionally , peak tourist season is over anyways so i doubt they care much if he lights candles in a park nearby

i'm not harassing them , if they want to talk i'm ok with it but i would not like force them to spend time with me especially if they have other stuff to do which they usually do.

the owner could fix the whole problem like easily , end his hiring insanity , let some qualified men or older women work there. a lot of the customers are actually really old anyways like 60 plus married couples so why would they have an issue if server not like 19ish , are they gonna stop coming in if server mid 30's or older i highly doubt any would

he created this mess not me , he needs to own up to it and figure a path forward that actually follows federal laws and makes everyone feel welcome, i've actually seen gay men at the bar before cannot believe any gay man would go in here , a business that has banned gay men from serving

[HollyK21]

It’s as if you are trying to rewrite history, again. You are completely rewriting history again. Two messages ago, you literally wrote “some women have the right personality and body image that men would be willing to pay to see them at work.” Now that you've been called out for treating them like strippers, you are frantically inspecting their jeans and t-shirts to prove you aren't looking at them.

You claim you aren't harassing them, but in the exact same breath, you admit you’re a self-proclaimed “problem” who is always in their business “causing issues.”

Your obsession with the owner's hiring practices is completely delusional. You don’t work there, you don’t manage their compliance, and you do NOT speak for gay men or elderly couples. You are using basic employment laws as a weird, twisted shield to justify why you refuse to stop lurking around young girls. The owner didn't create a mess — YOU created an obsession, and no amount of finger-pointing changes the fact that you are a customer who doesn't know when to walk away.

[Asker]

i don't view that girl as a stripper , the uniforms are lame , like literally never even actually seen her boobs , you'd have to be really imaginative there to view them as strippers , i suppose if she was a stripper she's be an exceptionally good one , mean she spent like her entirely childhood through high school doing dance and was really good at it , she's got the moves but i've never even got to see her dance

i agree that i don't know when to walk away , obviously if this restaurant was in another city i would not bother to travel a long distance to go to it, its just easy to access as its in hometown and gas so much these days i could not afford to go out of town every weekend , i'd love to go somewhere different for the weekend but hotel is like $200 and gas be another $100 or more and food , it literally cost like $500 just to go somewhere for 1 weekend

no i don't speak for gay men but owner has in fact banned gay men from serving there for many years , there has never been one on staff ever , owner would never allow it despite fact its illegal to tell a gay job applicant they cannot work at your business cause there gay

i don't go there much during the fall > winter anyways as its more of a summertime spot- LIVE Not busy ( tiny red bar almost no one there )

have though of walking away many times before for various reasons too many too list here , guess i hoped it would re brand or owner would sell to someone else or get a new manager something to bring it into the modern era and end the insanity , owner seems determined to never change and thinks he can do whatever he wants

[HollyK21]

You are totally obsessed. You just claimed you don’t think of her as a stripper, and in the exact next sentence, you speculated about how good she would be at stripping because of her childhood dance hobbies. You’re literally evaluating her body, her childhood, and her potential as a sex worker while claiming your interest is totally normal.

You also just admitted you’re actively monitoring the restaurant's live Google traffic AGAIN right now, tracking a “tiny red bar” to check how busy it is on a Wednesday evening. You are sitting at home virtually stalking a business and a 19-year-old girl's shift.

You stay in this loop because you are broke, bored, and stubborn. You admit you don't know how to walk away, but you blame gas prices, hotel costs, and the restaurant's branding for why you won't leave. You’re waiting for the owner to sell the business or for a corporate rebrand just so you can stop lurking there. You are a grown man. You do NOT need a restaurant to change its corporate structure for you to stop walking through the front door. Stop looking at their live traffic, stop obsessing over those women, and walk away. Do something more productive with your time and life.

[Asker]

there is no one even there if this business was a success would there not be at least some customers , like is a restaurant here that does a wing night and Wednesday and fairly busy when you drive by , this place does nothing and empty , is it even a real business?

i don't look at the adult entertainment industry negatively , i would have no issue if a young women wanted to work part time as a stripper to make some extra money and get some attention , but we don't even have a strip club here anyways town is too small and too conservative

i have not checked it on google liv as much as i used to , was more into doing this last year but mostly stopped and just checked it now cause we were discussing the business but have not been checking it much lately did in the past but not really doing it anymore

i would like to go out of town more often but its like $50 for gas just to go to a city 1 hour away these days , its a lot of money just to drive there and back in 1 day and such , i used to go out of town more when gas less $ just to get away from this place

[HollyK21]

Bro, you’re completely missing the point. It doesn't matter if the restaurant is successful, empty, or “a real business” — it’s still a workplace where you are causing a problem.

You just admitted to checking the live traffic specifically because we’re talking about it. You’re literally using this conversation as an excuse to look up her workplace, exactly like an addict looking for a reason to get a fix.

Your thoughts on the adult entertainment industry are totally irrelevant. This woman is a server at a restaurant, not a stripper. She didn’t sign up to be viewed as entertainment, and she is not asking for your attention.

You are drowning in excuses about gas prices and town sizes because you refuse to take responsibility for your own actions. You don't need $50 for gas or a trip out of town to stop acting like a stalker. You just need to close your laptop, stop looking at their Google page, and choose to never walk back into that building. The fact that you physically can't bring yourself to do that proves how dangerous your fixation has become.

[Asker]

if its a " workplace " why does the owner feel he can violate federal laws that regulate workplaces and discrimination. you cannot tell someone they cannot work at your business legally for the reasons he's created , yeah its a workplace but one that is open in violation of federal laws so in my view its not really a real workplace as its not even following basic laws that regulate them

and in a small town of 20,000 to do this? does he not know that most of the men who live here already know his staff is not single to begin with so his whole lure or reason to go into the business is mute as there not even available and unwilling to do anything with other men. its like the craziest thing to do in a small town ever , his business its like so nuts , hire all these hot women and try and lure men in when they already have boyfriend's , its like so crazy and nuts that he's managed to get to be an actual business in our town for so long

i don't know what the future will bring , not planning to go in tomorrow anyways , of course i've though about walking away from this place as its been a strange experience to endure and i've been lied to over the years and hurt by people there

i still cannot believe they've never talked to me , i would of been willing to listen and talk to them if they had asked and wanted to sit down but they've been unwilling and seem uninterested in even speaking to me

[HollyK21]

Be glad that Holly’s got time for this madness tonight, because you are completely detaching from reality. Sorry but your interpretation of employment law is completely wrong. A business's hiring practices — whether you agree with them or not — have absolutely zero legal bearing on your right to enter that property and harass the employees. A workplace doesn’t legally become a “lawless zone” where code of conduct or harassment laws disappear just because you suspect the owner of discrimination. Come on.

You just admitted the real truth behind your anger, which is that you’re furious the owner hired “hot women” who have boyfriends and are “unwilling to do anything with other men.” You’re mad because you fell for what you think is a “lure,” spent several years now buying food and drinks to get a college girl's attention, and realized you can't have her.

You’re a customer, not a federal labor investigator or a legal auditor. The managers and owners do not owe you a “sit-down meeting” or a “private talk” to resolve your feelings. They’re ignoring you because you are now a creepy regular who brings a toxic, entitled energy into their business.

You admit you’ve caused issues, been hurt, and feel lied to over the years — yet you still track their live foot traffic and plan your weeks around them. Break the cycle, stay home tomorrow, and stop obsessing over a place that wants nothing to do with you.

[Asker]

well true i'm annoyed at being lied to , was a girl there i liked a couple years ago , we'd like talk and stuff and i'd always go to her section , was completely unaware she had a boyfriend as it turned out she had meet him at college so he did not live here and was obviously never or rarely around. so she was like playing this game of me come see her get the attention over the other girls but really have someone already ( this was not the same girl i saw on Tuesday ) and she or co workers never like said she had a boyfriend until it eventually came out later on

i was just checking the google thing over the years cause i was curious what was going on there when i was not around as i live like 20 minutes outside of town so could not like look out window to see if place was really busy or if it was actually empty

was also some terrible reviews left on google between like 2024-26 , a lot of unhappy customers passed through , true also some happy ones but an oddly high number who felt angry enough to log into google and vent

i guess the restaurants in my hometown do give me a bad feeling somedays as tourist areas often have the reputation of money traps and my town does seem to really desperately want peoples money , i recall there was this one camera store that 5 or 6 years ago sold my senior parents a like $500 camera they could not even use this was after they specifically asked for one that was easy to use , it has like tiny buttons and such , the store just wanted the sale so badly they did not care

[Asker]

( from google , illegal reasons to discriminate in my home country , i don't suspect the owner is in the wrong he clearly is )

Prohibited Grounds of Discrimination
• Age (18 and older for most areas; 16+ for accommodation/housing)
• Ancestry, Colour, and Race (including race-related grounds like linguistic profiling or ancestry)
• Citizenship
• Ethnic Origin and Place of Origin
• Creed (religion or faith)
• Disability (physical, mental, developmental, or perceived)
• Family Status (being in a parent-child or care relationship)
• Marital Status (including single status)
• Gender Identity and Gender Expression
• Sex (including pregnancy and breastfeeding)
• Sexual Orientation
• Receipt of Public Assistance (applies specifically to housing/accommodation)
• Record of Offences (applies specifically to employment

[Asker]

its a workplace but not a legitimate one like wal mart or a school board , its like this place is the owners personal hang out and he feels he can do whatever he wants. except the laws still apply to any workplace here so not really sure what he is telling the people he deems unfit for employment.

the gay male servers , the over 40 women servers , the east indian servers whoever he does not want there

i'd love to know what the staff is being told to say if anyone like that walks in and leaves a resume , they cannot legally tell them sorry your too old or too gay or too brown skin. what do they say exactly?

mostly like say sorry were not hiring or have no positions available to apply at

[Asker]

but this is not a real workplace its like the owners personal hang out has gone off the rails and he does not know what to do to fix it or make it a real restaurant ( real in the sense that it engage in legitimate hiring practices like other spots do ) but it still makes money during the summer so he does not care enough to make the necessary changes

some have also wondered at least i've wondered if the whole concept was based around bev cart girls , its well known the owner is obsessed with golf so obviously he must like the bev cart girls too

and bev cart girls at those courses are typically really attractive 18-25 year olds who also happen to be the same type of girls who make up his staff most of the time , is a couple older ones who have been there for years and got hired when much younger

at least that was the though i had? bev cart girls might of been his obsession or inspiration for the concept maybe , it kind of makes sense i though

[HollyK21]

Smh. Just Look at the sheer amount of mental energy you’re burning on this. You are writing literal essays tracking a girl from years ago who “lied” to you by simply having a personal life. You’re analyzing Google reviews from 2024 to 2026, obsessing over a camera your parents bought years ago, copy-pasting federal discrimination laws, and speculating about the owner's golf hobbies and “bev cart girls.”

You’re doing all of this for one reason: to distract yourself from the brutal truth you admitted at the very beginning of your message. You are deeply angry that a server you liked years ago had a boyfriend, and you felt entitled to know her relationship status just because you sat in her section and bought food. Entitled AF.

[HollyK21]

You’re trying to turn a standard customer-service interaction into a grand conspiracy where you were “played”.

She wasn't playing a game; she was working a shift.

It does NOT matter what the owner's hiring practices are, what he tells people who hand in resumes, or what his inspirations are. None of that is your business, and none of it legally or morally excuses you spending your free time virtually hovering over this restaurant, tracking its traffic, and treating the young women inside like captive entertainment. You are trying to act like a civil rights investigator to cover up the fact that you are a regular who doesn't know how to stop obsessing over a pizza place. Close the tabs, stop analyzing their staff, and move on.

[Asker]

ok but i knew that girl over a period of a couple years i first meet her there before she went off to college ( so the boyfriend appeared after we had first meet as she started working there when really young ) she had plenty of chances to speak to me privately and explain things so at least i would know the truth , she no longer works there and the guy she dated he was oddly at bar the other night for whatever reason and another girl refered to him as her ex girlfriend so there not even dating anymore but i have no idea where she is today.

did you like work in a similar place when younger or still do? did you encounter similar men who could not realise it was a business not a party or a bar on a Friday night and that encounter was just work for her?

i've heard about other stories of other men doing things to annoy the girls here , one college aged one mentioned there had been a guy this summer who came to her section a few times and eventually found her online and even sent a private message to her which she could not believe he'd do and really felt uncomfortable as she obviously did not like him or even know him

so is clearly an issue here around men entering the business becoming too interested in the girls and doing things that annoy them either when at work or even online by finding there social media , its obviously not just me with an issue but rather a number of different men who've passed through the doors over the years

you don't think its possible owners inspiration is bev cart girls? the girls he's constently hiring do really seem similar to the type of girls who work the bev carts , young really attractive college age women and whats also weird is no girl from the local golf courses has ever came to restaurant to work as a server instead , perhaps they've encountered him on the course and realised what he was really about and like after a few too many

[Asker]

i would of been willing to give any of the girls there some space if they had communicated that to me , i'm not unreasonable, none had ever communicated to me that. think they sort of viewed me different due to age and fact i was there so often , some became oddly comfortable with me over time as we'd speak and be around often

not saying they were interested in dating me , just had been used to my presence over time and were not bothered that i was there as i was there so often doing my thing

[HollyK21]

You’re completely rewriting history. Again. 2 messages ago, you literally wrote that you were a “problem” who was always in their business “causing issues” and that the situation “desperately needed to be resolved.”YOU said this. Now, because you’re being called out again, you’re trying to claim the girls were “oddly comfortable” with you. They weren't comfortable, they were used to your presence and forced to tolerate you to do their jobs.

You claim you would’ve given them space if they just communicated it, but young women don’t tell aggressive, entitled regulars to get away from them. They’re trapped behind a bar, scared of retaliation, escalation, or getting fired. They rely on you to have the basic self-awareness to leave them alone, but you DON’T. Instead, you’re still heavily tracking a girl from years ago — admitting you know her boyfriend is now her ex, that he was at the bar the other night, and that you are actively wondering where she is today. She was your server, not your girlfriend. She never owed you “private talk” about her life.
You’re desperately trying to normalize your behavior by pointing out that other men creep on these women too. The fact that a server told you about another customer tracking her down online and making her uncomfortable was a massive hint about how exhausting and scary it is when male customers cross lines. Yet, you are using those other creeps to excuse your own actions.

My background is completely irrelevant. This isn't a research project about the owner's golf hobbies or “bev cart girls.” You’re writing massive essays analyzing the staff, their exes, and the local golf courses just to avoid the simple reality: you’re exactly like the other men you described. You’re entering that sports bar, becoming obsessed with the girls, and refusing to walk away. Stop analyzing the town and stay out of that bar.

[HollyK21]

Also, let me bring you back to reality for those poor fcking women who can tell your entitled self anything at the risk of getting fired:

None of these women want to date you. They never did, and they never will. They are 19 and 20 year old college girls who view you as an aging customer who pays for food and drinks.

The “suggestive” vibes, the “teasing,” and the “flirting” you think you see are completely in your head. It is customer service. They’re nice to you because they’re paid to be, and because a manager requires them to keep paying customers happy.

This is exactly why you need psychiatric help. Healthy, normal men do not spend years of their lives building a massive, delusional conspiracy theory about a local sports bar just to process a rejection from a college-aged server. You are sitting at home writing massive essays analyzing their schedules, their exes, their uniforms, and the owner's golf hobbies just to avoid looking in the mirror. Your brain is jumping through dangerous psychological hoops to protect your ego from the brutal truth: you’re a customer who is making young women uncomfortable.

Please, show this entire conversation to a mental health professional and stop going to that sports bar.

[HollyK21]

**can't tell

[Asker]

my point about mention the other creeps was to show that the restaurant has an issue with men like that cause of the owners hiring habits and its attracting undesirable men into the business.

don't normal places like this have legitimate reasons to go in everynight like kareoke , trivia nights , open mic , Monday night football , wing nights this place does none of that other than some live music on weekends

yes i'm legitimately worried about some of the restaurants in my hometown and how i'm viewed in them , feel like i try to make a good impression but realise i can be hard to like by some and often find the women who work in these places too interesting. and would like to take a break and go away for the weekend or something but gas is so expensive i'm not sure how to make it happen

it varied at that place as to who seemed more comfortable with me , oddly i seemed to get along better with the younger female employees which annoyed the more senior ones for whatever reasons they seemed to hate it if i talked to one of the younger staff members even if they were entirely ok with it. was definitely a wide mix of views on me there i felt as to who was ok and who was not ok with me. that was perhaps why i felt more comfortable spending my time with specific servers over the other ones there , i wouldn't of got drinks from and talked to that younger dance girl if i didn't feel she was ok with me

one of the other servers mentioned that guy was now her ex boyfriend , i was not aware they broke up and do not know her current whereabouts , the last time i can recall seeing her there would of been early spring but she did not work there this summer. i do not follow her on social media , tried to a couple years ago but she did not accept request. even when she lived here did not see her anywhere else in the area

[Asker]

but its like this place has gone so far off the rails they no longer know what to do , even if they kick some of the creeps out is going to be new ones appear soon after. they've tried to redo the menu so many times its crazy and the social media too, the manager claims to be an expert on advertising but cannot seem to come up with anything interesting to post online other than endless food posts , there used to be one every single day as a story on a instagram a dull food post every single day

even if i don't or do continue to go there , do you not at least agree this place needs a re do or something to bring it into the modern era?

i cannot believe the owner has not been sued yet by one of those radical gender identity activists or something , a ban on gay male servers is obviously not allowed yet he's doing it and getting away with all well making $money. but read some places claim its a job requirement for servers to be women , believe hooters might of made such a claim as they too refused to hire men , but so many spots have male servers not sure that would honestly hold up in legal court if someone complained

i did not go in today either , raining again and didn't even drive into town

[Asker]

whats also crazy about this place is the manager is a 30 something married lesbian , does that make any sense? she is ok with managing a restaurant where the owner intentionally hires young vulnerable women for there looks , discriminates against nearly everyone else for reasons that are illegal and prohibited under federal laws and yet she sits back and counts the $ money like nothing is going on , does she have any actual values?

like could an actual progressive with values do this? its so fing crazy she is the manager of this place and acts like nothing is going on that needs to be fixed or address , her biggest concern is that i something like to talk to the younger women who work there. not the fact the owner has banned gay men from serving which is illegal under anti discrimination laws or the fact he refuses to hire older women which is also not legally allowed , you can't tell a perspective employee there too old. i'm pretty sure he also discriminates them on race , as all the girls are white , barely ever been any who were not. is there anything he's not discriminating them on? yet she is ok with it if she leaves the place with a bag of money at the end of the night

its like he's bought off everyone with his money even the married lesbian progressive lady is ok with his antics if she gets $$$$$

[HollyK21]

Omg dude, what is literally wrong with you? You are still completely missing the point. I can’t express that enough! It does not matter if that place has trivia nights, endless food posts on Instagram, poor management, or terrible menu updates. None of that matters! You are analyzing their marketing strategy and their menu to desperately try and make this about the business “going off the rails” so you don't have to face your own actions.

You’re using the owner’s supposed hiring choices as a shield. Even if the owner is trying to attract men, you are the one choosing to be the creep. You just admitted that you tried to follow a server on social media years ago, she rejected your request, and you still kept going back to sit in her section, and you are still talking to her coworkers to get updates on her ex-boyfriend. That is not a “wide mix of views” on you—that is a woman drawing a clear boundary, and you ignoring it because you found her “too interesting.” Weird!

[HollyK21]

The senior staff didn’t freaking “hate” you because you got along with the younger girls. They hated your presence because there are older, experienced workers who recognize predatory behavior when they see it. They were trying to protect their practically teenage coworkers from an aging regular who refuses to leave them alone.

You admitted you’re worried about how you’re viewed in your hometown. You’re viewed this way because you are treating a local spot like some sort of fishbowl to study young women. You managed to stay home because of the rain. Now do it when it’s fcking sunny. Stop looking at their Instagram, stop worrying about their legal lawsuits, and stop trying to fix a business that wants NOTHING to do with you. Use the money you're saving on $10 entries and gas to go see a psychologist! Omg.

[Asker]

i had known that girl for a numbers of years , i don't think it was odd that i tried to follow it was odd that she rejected when i had made a genuine attempt to get to know her and we had actual conversations when she was working, yeah she was at work but we talked about real things and it was a genuine attempt to get to know her better.

i'm not sure if that place will ever change for the better or not , feel like its fate eventually will be the same as other restaurants in my hometown. which seem to have there moment in time then they eventually disappear , someday it will be gone and maybe i will miss it or maybe i will not. i'm surprised its even lasted this long in its current form

can you imagine how bad it will look on the manager resume if the owners ever gets publically outed for the discrimination? other employers will be like what you managed that place? were you aware of what the owner was doing? did you try and stop it? why did it continue for so long when obviously not allowed under federal laws? think of the questions and how bad she will look down the road when she eventually needs to find a new job later in life

[Asker]

i enjoyed being friends with the younger women more cause they were more genuine , happier type , they were still young and not yet brought down by the stresses and bad experiences people go through later in life , they were just happy to have a job at an interesting restaurant , none of our conversations were about anything inapproiate ever , yeah i talked to them but it was about things that were ok to talk about

[HollyK21]

You are still completely delusional about the word “friends.” You were never their friend. You are a customer who pays a bill at a sports bar. That’s it.

A genuine friend has your phone number, hangs out with you outside of a business, and accepts your social media requests. She didn’t reject your request because it was “odd” — she rejected it because you are. a weird, troubled customer she ONLY interacts with because she is trapped behind a bar counter. The conversations you had about “real things” weren’t a sign of a special bond. It is called hospitality. lol it up.

She was PAID to be a friendly, engaging host to keep a regular customer happy and secure a tip.
You admit you target these specific younger women because they are “happy” and “not yet brought down by stress.” That is predatory logic. You are explicitly seeking out teenage college students because you know they are too young, polite, and inexperienced to know how to firmly push away an aggressive, older regular.

Your obsessive daydreams about the manager's resume proving she is a bad person are just bitter coping mechanisms. You are trying to convince yourself that the restaurant is evil because your ego cannot handle the simple, humiliating truth: you are a customer who is completely invisible to these women the second they clock out of their shift. Stop obsessing over their lives, stop writing essays about their futures, and stay out of that place.

[Asker]

i don't think its unreasonable that someday in the future the manager might have to face the music , sure she's making easy money $ today but whenever she has to look for her next job ( no way she'll manage that place for ever ) if a new employer ever finds out about what really went on there , she has serious questions to answer and a new employer may question her values and judgement to have been part of the owners troubled business.

and the reason they have anti discrimination rules and laws is so someone does not do what he's done. that is the exact reason these laws were created , so everyone feels equal and is allowed the same oppurtunities when seeking employment. this man has decided on his own none of that matters , all that matters is his silly little bev cart girl fantasy hang out and his bizarre decision to not allow anyone who does not fit the fantasy to serve there

he can hardly blame men like myself for showing up , buying a drink and taking notice to the beautiful young women working there. he needs to take a look at his business and make the necessary changes so it complys with federal laws and is a real business not whatever it is now , a real business does not break federal anti discrimination laws just so the owner can live a fantasy

i felt part of the reason we were not real friends was the age diff , mean we grew up in same town but not at same time , so yeah they have there own social circles and parties and such. and i never really fit into it , but still got to know them when they worked there , did wonder a lot what might of been if we had went to high school at same time and been same age as i wasn't really friends with girls like that when i actually went to that school

[HollyK21]

Do you see why I suggest therapy? Because you’re sick in the head sir. You absolutely need help, you’re isolated without anyone outside of those spaces to talk some freaking sense into you, therefore you see absolutely no issue with your actions. We have gone back and forth for numerous comment and at this point are going in circles because you refuse to see absolutely any reason. You are UTTERLY and COMPLETELY detached from reality. You are daydreaming about a female manager being punished by future employers because your ego is deeply wounded that she refuses to give you a private meeting. You’re hiding behind federal discrimination laws like a damn weapon because you are FURIOUS That the owner built a sports bar that attracts you, but doesn't allow you to own the women inside it. FURIOUS!!

You can’t help yourself but to show your hand all the time, because you JUST admitted the real truth: you’re absolutely obsessed with what “might have been” if you were the same age as these young college students and went to high school with them. You are an ADULT male in his late 30s-40s grieving a HIGH SCHOOL FANTASY that NEVER existed, using a local business to try and live it out.

The age gap IS NOT why you aren't friends. You aren't friends because you are a CUSTOMER and they are EMPLOYEES. They have their own social circles, parties, and lives because they are young adults who have absolutely no interest in you outside of their shift. NONE. And you KNOW that!! They got to know your ORDER, not your SOUL.

You are using the owner’s “bev cart fantasy” to excuse your own total lack of self-control. The owner didn't force you to sit there for three years obsessing over teenage girls. YOU chose to do that. Stop tracking the manager's career, stop REWRITING your childhood, and get PROFESSIONAL PSYCHIATRIC help ABSOLUTELY IMMEDIATELY to deal with this SEVERE loneliness before your fixation ruins your life!

[HollyK21]

Whether you recognize it or not, you have completely unmasked your DEEPEST UNCHECKED DELUSION now: you’re actively grieving that you didn't get to go to high school with these college-aged girls, confirming this is a profound, regressive fantasy to soothe your real-world isolation. It’s sad as hell and you can’t even see it! You are so sucked into protecting and reassuring yourself that you just absolutely cannot process the issue, and that is so troublesome! You’re like Norman Bates or something bro.

[Asker]

just wondered what it would of been like to go to high school with them cause we went to the same high school just at different times obviously. it wasn't like i honestly would want or expected to be involved in that aspect of there lives now , i just see them at the restaurant. one of them i did see at a drug store once and she said hi but only time i saw her anywhere else.

i suppose the owner and manager can blame me for there problems and i bet they likely do behind closed doors when i'm not around.

but i'm not the one who made the decision to operate a business in violation of federal laws. i can't even think of a similar business who's hiring practices are that discriminatory. i can think of some other restaurants in different towns and cities that prefer to hire young women which is common but a lot of them still have had the odd male server over the years and allow others to apply at open positions.

you don't think there is obvious reasons he does not use legit job sites , i've read its illegal to post an add on those and only accept resumes from 1 gender. it also would not be allowed to restrict ages. could you imagine how outrageous his add would look if it said applications only allowed from white females 18-25 , everyone who used the site would complain and his add would be pulled down immediately from the site.

yeah i went to this restaurant and to be honest is things i did there i regret but he is the one who created this mess through his bizarre desire to live out his bev cart girl fantasy as a restaurant in our hometown , i can't believe its even lasted this long i suppose sex sells or maybe the food is actually that good.

not sure what i'm doing this weekend , rather dull time of year here , end of season not much going on really

[Asker]

also most of those girls don't still go to high school was a group of 4 or 5 of them that graduated in June some are at college now a couple still around here but not in high school , only a couple of the hosts are still in high school

one of the girls that graduated now goes to the same community college i went to years ago , its in a city an hour away. i first took a trades ( furniture making ) course for a year graduated but could not find any local employment , had one brief one that failed after a couple weeks and a few hopeless interviews than went back a year later and took an actual business course.

was more girls in that program and classes took place on actual campus where is other one was in this small building away from main campus. did well with some of the courses and passed many but struggled to pass this 1 math course i needed to graduate and tried to take it a couple times and even with a tutor could not pass it so never finished the program

i do recall speaking to a career counsellor a few times about some struggles but i don't think we were on the same page a lot of the time and cannot recall what his specific ideas were. or if any of them were successful or not , i tried to make things work at the time but could not. life back then seemed more care free than it is now , i suppose my hometown has changed a lot since then but is some things that seem the same oddly enough

[HollyK21]

Dude, what’s wrong with you? You just gave a highly specific breakdown of the ages of those girls — tracking EXACTLY who graduated in June, who went to college, who is still in town, and which high school students are working as hosts. Do you not realize how totally fcking weird that is? This isn't just casual conversation, it is an active data log of local teenagers lives you absolute creep show. You’re a man in your late 30s or 40s tracking the high school graduations of the staff at a sports bar.

I mean look at what your brain is doing: you’re connecting these young servers to YOUR OWN past, REMINISCING about your community college days, your furniture-making trade, and your struggles with a business math course years ago. Do you not realize you’re using these college-aged girls as a psychological bridge to a time in your life when you felt “carefree” and before your career plans fell through?

You aren't going to this these places for food or drink. You’re going there to escape your current life and mourn the past. You’re trying to live a second youth through young women who are only interacting with you because it's their fcking summer job.

You mentioned your past struggles with a career counselor didn't work because you weren't on the same page. You need to get on the same page with a clinical psychologist RIGHT NOW. Your fixation on these servers is a symptom of SEVERE LONELINESS and UNRESOLVED REGRET about how your adult life turned out!

Stop tracking which girls graduated high school, stay away from that place this weekend, and invest your energy into professional therapy to build a real life for yourself in the present. You’re scary as shit.

[Asker]

ok but those girls mentioned multiple times in the restaurant they graduated and were going away to college in the fall. they'd just like talk about when around different people it wasn't like i had to try hard to find that out. and the girl who went to same college i did told me that and seemed totally comfortable talking to me about it when we had that conversation.

there is nothing wrong with being friends with someone younger than myself , the stuff i talked about with those girls was never inapproiate for the setting , i've never asked them anything deeply private or sexual in nature , we just like chat about minor stuff , yeah i know a bit about them by now but in a small town stuff like that isn't really a secret

tried talking to different people over the years , like that career counsellor and some others i can recall too. its just were never on the same page and some well they have good intentions its just like hard to bring there ideas into real life or that would actually lead to anything meaningful. they suggest stuff but its not necessary easy to just do something in real life that is suggested in one of those meetings

of course i'm frustrated with the current situation i'm dealing with and yeah is regret about many different things

not sure i'll be able to get out of town this weekend but hope to in next couple weeks

[MrChinaski]

Sure. But people flirt all the time without it meaning anything other than that they are having fun and enjoying your company.

[Nikki1989]

There is nothing happening here. You are delusional and clueless but I suspect that hard truth will be something you don't want to hear.

[Anonymous]

She already knows whether she would fuck you or not, so just ask her. It will either be a yes or a no, and if it's a no you don't have to waste all this time on her.

[Asker]

i suppose she already knows if she'd be interested or not , feel like she'd have to get really jealous or worried i was going to get with someone else to act on it though that is if she's interested

[msc545]

is this actually a question?

[slatyb]

Ask her out. Duuuuh.