The guy I'm dating still has a profile on OKcupid. How do I approach this?

[Anonymous]

There's this guy I've been seeing, and I see him a lot. I like him a lot. I met him on OKcupid, and after seeing him a while, he asked me to be his girlfriend. This was a couple days ago he asked me and I said yes. Since I said yes, I deactivated my account, but I noticed he hasn't deactivated his. Why?

I don't know why he hasn't deactivated it, but it's kinda got me nervous. I want to ask him about it, but I don't know how. I'm a little afraid I'd come across as insecure, pushy or something else. So what do I do? How do I ask? Should I even ask?

Advice welcome.

(Best answer goes to whoever gives good, solid advice that actually helps, and DOESN'T preach about online dating.)

[GingerStarlite]

Ok, he just asked you to be his girlfriend a couple of days ago, so maybe he just hasn't gotten around to changing it or deactivating it. And there are other reasons why he might not have done anything to it yet.

I know you don't want to seem insecure, but honestly, you ARE insecure if you're worried about what he's doing on OkC. I think that's totally normal though, for a new relationship, but who really wants to bring this kind of thing up? I know I wouldn't, especially so early in a relationship. So here is what I'm thinking...

First of all, how long have you known this guy? A few weeks, a few months? Does he seem to be a trustworthy guy and pay attention to you and only you when you are together? I think his behavior will say a lot about his intentions.

Second, did you have the "exclusive" talk? I know that I personally consider a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to automatically be exclusive, but some others might not.

And it looks like you've already done some creeping anyway, so you could creep a little more if you are really freaking out and it will ease your mind. I don't know if I would recommend this, but it is an option. If his profile is not private, then you should be able to see his profile without having an account. And if you can see his profile, then you can see when he last logged on and any changes he has made, including relationship status changes. If he hasn't logged on or rarely does, then don't worry about it. If he's still logging on but changed his status to "in a relationship" and is maybe now only "looking for friends" I would say not to worry too much about it. If you find he's signing on and updating his information constantly and putting all kinds of new pictures of himself up, while portraying himself as a single guy, this could be a problem.

BE WARNED: if you creep and find out something you didn't want to know, then you have to live with the consequences. And if you ask him about his profile, he'll know you were creeping, so don't take this lightly, he could see it as a major invasion of privacy and it could ruin the relationship.

I personally think that the best thing for you to do would be to wait things out and see how the relationship goes. If he isn't a good guy, you'll see signs of it without creeping on him online. If he's a player and hasn't gotten rid of it for that reason, he might be very protective of his phone or computer, might not want you to be over his house because he's hiding things, his manner might change from day to day on phone calls (depending who he's around). Just use your judgement. If he genuinely seems to want to be with you and only you, then some stupid profile on a dating site shouldn't matter.

If a little ways down the road in the relationship, it still bothers you, then just have an honest discussion about it. But I think as time goes on, if he's serious about you, then your worries will disappear.

Good luck!

[raineydaygurl]

i actually had the same thing happen with my BF. we also met on okcupid and deleted my account but up untill just over a month ago even though he wasn't active on it it bugged me. so I asked him about it because he had told me he deleted it. he saw I was upset so he deleted it then I felt bad because it turns out he just wanted to keep it for our conversations for future reference. it hasn't been long since you've becme official, I wouldn't worry till you've had some agreement or convo on being exclusive. then if he still has it just calmly ask him why he feels the need to keep it

[Hannah591]

Maybe he just hasn't got round to it or doesn't feel the need to deactivate it. Just because he hasn't deactivated it, doesn't mean he goes on there all the time in search for someone else. He went on their to find love and he's got what he's looking for so he's hardly going to be on there again unless you guys broke up.

Don't ask him to deactivate it, just bring up that you deactivated yours and ask if he has too. If he says no, then ask him why.

[Anonymous]

I have an OKCupid account as well. So does my date who I've seen for over a month.

Does his status say he is looking for anything more than friendship still?

I started seeing a girl about a month ago, but I think in the end we are too buddy-buddy to be anything serious. Which kind of sucks because we did french kiss a couple times and I was led to believe it was something more (Is it normal for girls to french kiss guys who are just good friends? The tongue was even her idea!). Anyway my reasons for believing I was friend-zoned are: a) she has tried to pay me back for things I paid on her behalf previously -though I *am* currently unemployed, b) she never wants a picture taken around/by me, and c) she last denied me a direct kiss in favor of a cheek kiss. I want to discuss this with her directly in a casual-friendly setting but she hasn't responded to my e-mails lately -though she was on seemingly good terms with me when we got together with some mutual acquaintances.

Anyway, I kept my profile up because she kept her profile up and we technically never went official. It kind of sucks but I think it was a doomed relationship when I realized I had trouble finding her physically attractive (and she probably felt the same way about me) -that and she being my first real date. I honestly wanted to be in a real relationship with her, but it's kind of hard to think that's possible after she reared her head back and turned her cheek when I attempted to give her a good night kiss.

I feel confused about it all, but I guess it's better to try and be friends and not say anything about it. Besides, nobody ever ends up with their first date in the end -right?

[Gone_But_Not_Lost]

I'll take a shot at this, but I don't know if I'll be any help.

Not knowing this guy, I can only make wild speculation. I don't know why he's doing this. He might still be looking on there. He might just be making friends. He might not have signed in. I really don't know. He might be up to no good, but I seriously don't know.

As for how you approach this, I guess you can just try coming at him point blank. If it's already been a couple days, I think you have genuine right to show concern, but try not to be accusatory if/when, as It would not make for good foundation if by some chance this turns out to be a horrible misunderstanding. But I do suggest you ask him directly. Say you noticed his account profile is still up. See how he reacts and maybe figure stuff out from there.

If he deflects then it's a bad sign. You likely have a problem. But yeah, try asking him about it once the conversation is started. Ask why it's still there, and get a response. If he gets defensive, you have a problem. If he says it's harmless, or that there's nothing going on, ask him nicely to deactivate it, and he should. If he doesn't, you're back to having a problem.

Ultimately though I think you need to try. If it's really been a couple days, then your concern is warranted. You have every right to ask what's up. If he won't take it down, you have every right to be upset. Even grounds to dump him.

Not sure if this was any help, but I tried.

[PoeticNinja]

Hm, good answer.

[Theguyoverthere]

It depends on how much he manages the account. He could just not have logged onto the site yet. Not sure if you mentioned that you were deleting your account but I do see how it sends a bad message that he is basically extending your availability.

You have a couple of things you could tell him if you can get yourself comfortable to bring it up.

1. You wouldn't want your single friends seeing him on the site and saying that he is messaging other girls.

2. You wouldn't want to bring unneeded temptation into the relationship.

3. You don't feel it makes you two exclusive.

Personally I would want the girl to delete her profile too.oh yea?

[HandsomeRaj]

1. Best answer or not I'm saying what I think is logically correct :D

2. Your very thinking this way is a sign of insecurity, logically insecure may be but still insecurity

3. Deactivating the a/c is your way of perceiving and showing your feelings. he probably doesn't think that way.

4. He also probably doesn't think much about it.

5. Maybe he's polyamorous (lots of them on OKC are - some may not mention it)

6. + if he's a A-List guy then he can always change his screen name & no one knows too :D

7. Hence, I infer he's not done it willingly

Hence, ASK HIM UPFRONT and get rid of your agony. Forget the 'impressing' part - you already have done that which is why he asked you ;)

[ArtistBboy]

A few days is hardly long enough to combat the trust issues of failed relationships. He's not holding it against you, he's just not ready to say "yes I want you for the long term" by deactivating his account. Think of what would happen if he did, he'd lose any other options out there which don't just come from starting up an account. Then in a week or two if you guys determined that you don't want to continue the relationship (mutually or individually) then he's gonna be stuck in a worse situation. I agree, it's ethically and morally correct to disband such sights to prevent jealousy and a lot of other suspicions; but ideally he probably feels more secure maintaining his account as a security blanket. I'd say a month is a reasonable time to have a deeper understanding of one another, after which time I see no problem in you voicing your concern about him having the account still up and running.

~ ArtistBBoy

[why-makoto-kun]

If he has officially committed to you, casually mention that you deactivated your profile and see what he says. Ask about his plans for his profile if you want. If he lies, drop him.

Like others have said, it's not what you say but how you say it. If he's serious about you and cares about your feelings, this won't be a big deal to him at all.

[why-makoto-kun]

Better to be awkward and nervous than to be aggressive and accusing to a boyfriend regarding these issues IMO.

[Anonymous]

I actually met my boyfriend on OKcupid . I also notice he didn't delete his account. I talked to him and he said, he wasn't using it to get girls. We got it to an argument about it. I told him that all the messges he would receive there would be from someone interested in him. I ask him , how would he feel if I still had mine up and knowing I got a bunch of messages from men hitting on me.It doesn't make sense if he has a girlfriend to have a dating site. I told him he can keep the okcupid profile but he won't get to keep me. He delete the profile in front of me.Next Saturday will be a year together.

My advice talk to him. If you don't feel comfortable with him having that OKcupid account, don't compromise your needs.

[Breathe]

well, like a lot of girls you're reading way too quickly into it. He probably means nothing at all by it and you're just speculating.

If you want to bring it up, you could ask "still looking for a date on OKcupid?" :P and say it like you're teasing him

[WizeGuy2350]

Some people aren't diligent about shutting down online dating profiles; they just stop using them. I wouldn't worry about the OKC profile; just enjoy the relationship and trust him until he gives you a reason to believe otherwise.

[backagainagain]

Some guys think that having a girlfriend does not necessarily mean exclusive. So ask him straight out if you two are exclusive or not. Then take the conversation from there.

[Prof_Don]

He may have simply stopped using it without shutting it down completely

[LoveAndHate2015]

well if you really like this guy I don't really see why you wouldn't wanna tell him. I mean I wouldn't be dating the guy I have now if I didn't tell him how I felt. I think that you should just go for it !