My dad disrespects my mom? its affecting me?

[Anonymous]

he doesn't like hit her or anything but kind of really disrespects her a lot and usually infront of me and my brother

dont get me wrong he is a good man and a good parent, very good. but its just this thing
and its kinda really affecting me :( beides the extreme stress when i hear them argue (or when it gets heated up) and when my brother starts to actually act like him sometimes (he is not a kid he is 21..)
its really affecting me with men
and i get scared what would happen when i get married :( will i be like her? will i stand for myself? will someone respect me? will i be overly defensive and drive a good man away? :(

its really depressing me anybody been there before? help?

[misscoffeehead]

Hmm I guess you can look at this as a learning curve.. You want to be able to voice out your opinions and stand up for your own rights instead of being belittled by someone. My parents have separated yet we all still live under the one house.. And trust me if feels so awkward. You can feel it in the air because it's so thick.. They yell they argue.. Dad is a bit violent.. And I'm back home because I'm the only one that can control my dad to calm down.. If I was still living at my old place, well it would get ugly here.. End of that story but if such things happen go out for a walk, and come back.. You wouldn't do such things.. You will be on a look out for a good guy after what you have been through.. And you won't drive him away.. If he loves you for who you are and understands what you have been going through he will be there to be your shoulder to cry on..

[Asker]

omg i wouldn't tell a guy about that o. O

and i meant what if i get to a point where im extremely sensitive about it? like maybe get upset by little jokes or something? im not like that right now but then again im not with someone

[misscoffeehead]

And that's why you tell the guy in the first place lol.. Not just any guy but a guy who could be your potential long term partner.. If you don't tell him how is he suppose to know? Hurting you would be the last thing he wants to do.. Then you guys will be in an argument.. Not talk for a few days.. Then he contacts you apologising saying Im sorry I hurt you.. Then you reply saying that's ok.. Then he will say I didn't know.. Then you tell him what has happened and he finds out now.. Then you guys are made up and everything.. Lol it usually goes like that.. But to avoid that tell him.. When you find him lol

[Asker]

i awed lol that sounds really sweet :') i hope i find someone like that :)
i just hope i dont end up with a jerk who takes advantage of it lol

[misscoffeehead]

Haha try to not get all mushy on me 😋 lol but if you know what your looking for and if you can spot it earlier ahead in the relationship, if your gut says it's not a good idea go with it.. You will be alright hun.. You won't be in that situation your parents are in.. Wish you good luck babe.. And a lot of faith and hope..

[Asker]

haha thanks ! you too !

[matrix124]

Unfortunately most kids hear their parents arguing sometimes, some more than others. Don't let what you hear scare you away from relationships, your parents relationship doesn't have to be the type of relationship you have in the future.

[Asker]

but its the only example i have :(

[matrix124]

You don't have to do what others do. You can go your own way, & act as you want in your relationship. If you want a more loving & affectionate relationship, go for it. If you want 2 partners who treat each other with respect, & work together as a team, establish that in your relationship. You are in control of your own life, you don't have to do anything just because other people are doing it.

[matrix124]

Also, if you fee like you need a better example, maybe read self help book about love, you may get a healthier view of what type of relationship you want.

[Asker]

thats great and very true :) thank you !

[bubble_tea]

usually it affects you more if you've never noticed it... but you know it, so you can write down the signs that you won't be looking for in a bf.. and you break up when those signs present themselves..

[Asker]

wow really? are you sure? doesn't it make it worse? because well she is the only mother i have i might just follow in her lead

and what if i end up getting too defensive about little things?

[bubble_tea]

you don't allow yourself to ever be in her position..
like i said, write down a list of things your dad does you don't want happening to you.. tell yourself how many of these you will ever allow to happen to you.. leave when he surpassed the limit you set for yourself.. no compromiss.. it's hard when you already love that person, but this is the only way you ensure you won't end up like your mom... because like you said, your personality might be like hers..

[bubble_tea]

thanks for mh!
I just read about being too defensive.. you don't have to break up right away, but tell him that he does things you don't like and what it is. the list is just a reminder to keep your head intact when your heart is all over the place. usually guys don't start belittling from the beginning because the chance of you walking away is too high. it starts gradually after you've professed your 'eternal' love for him.
good luck with everything.

[Asker]

"usually guys don't start belittling from the beginning because the chance of you walking away is too high. it starts gradually after you've professed your 'eternal' love for him."

omg story of my life ! how do i stop this? usually when it starts i try to ignore it because its usually not a big deal to get mad over or i just dont know what to say sometimes and it builds up very gradually too so im kinda stuck there, then i either bottle it up and explode at one tiny word pr shut down completely :(
and i JUST HATE IT when they do that ! like a child testing you ! wth !

what do i do when they start to gradually do that? i dont want to embarrass anyone or be one of those "in your face" girls... even though it looks like i might need to be...

[bubble_tea]

if he does it in public, you tell him that when you 2 are alone again. you don't have to be mad about it. you just say you don't like it and you don't want it to happen again. if he's only bitching and defending himself or blaming others, he won't change.. you can just walk away right there. if he listens and says sorry and takes it to heart, it means he can stay for now.

[bubble_tea]

maybe also explain why you don't like and what it makes you feel. always start with 'i feel so and so when you do so and so'. if he loves you he will think about what he's done.

[bubble_tea]

don't take it to the extreme though.. like 'I feel so unloved when you don't buy me this and that'

[Asker]

yup you deserved that MH lol

thanks !

[bubble_tea]

:) you're welcome

[Anonymous]

Without knowing the details all we can do is take shots in the dark. It could be stress has changed his personality, and your mother accepts that. If that is the case then you could look for a guy that either handles stress well, or wants a stress free life compared to someone wanting a stressful job. It may be that your mom likes that about him because it shows dominance. So you could look for a more submissive guy. It may even be that you are too sensitive about being disrespected. Everyone argues differently. You might not be noticing what your mom is doing to him if she is being passive aggressive, which can be just as bad.

[Asker]

my dad is an awesome guy and i love him to death... its just this one thing, and like i said my brother is kinda picking it up :\

he basically treats her like way inferior, like he can very simply be like "well if you dont like it then leave !"
and i think i am a little too sensitive about being disrespected :\ I don't know maybe im normal? maybe sensitive?

i feel lost u_u

if you need to ask anything to make this clearer go ahead

[Opinion Owner]

"well if you don't like it then leave!" That sounds more dominate than anything else. Some women want to be respected and with a guy that is dominate. The thing is a dominate person typically will lay down the law and expect others to follow it. That is pretty much what being dominate is all about. Dominate people aren't interested in being equals. So the only problem I see in your dating life, is if you are only attracted to dominate men, and then expect them to treat you like an equal. Unless you want a relationship where you are both constantly fighting for dominance that won't work. A more submissive man would be more willing to talk things out and try to be equal through mutual respect.

[Asker]

no lets say she is stressed because of him and she is like "i dont like how you treat me" he would say smething like that (hasnt happend exactly like that, just an example)
but you actually make a lot of sense

i dont like them very submissive though, i like assertive or just a tiny bit dominant lol

[Opinion Owner]

He may not be treating her well, but I think it is do to dominance. You just have to find a guy at the right level of dominance for you. Not too dominant, but not too submissive either.

[Asker]

makes sense lol thanks a lot for your time!

[Kshppatel]

You can't wonder what if all these things happen. You are in control.

[Mgoods]

If anyone spoke to my mother like that in front of me, I'd kick the shit out of them. Don't care who they are.

What do you say/ do, when he acts like this? He's not awesome, he's a pig for making another (several) human being/a feel shit.

[Mgoods]

*being/s

[lovemylife22]

What does he say or do that bothers you mentally?

[Asker]

I don't know kinda treats her like an inferior or mean comments on stuff.. etc

you know how a guy can say "eww thats horrible" instead of saying " hmmm why not try something else?" you know?

[lovemylife22]

Does he degrade her? Put her down or make her feelworthless?

[Asker]

well I don't know how she feels about it

but i guess he kinda does belittle her... he is the best dad and a great husband its just this one thing
like i would want a man JUST like him except this one thing