How do I tell my parents about my black girlfriend when they are racist?

Question

my mother and Father are from Ireland and Germany, so they kinda have "old ideals." They can't understand why I want to date black girls, My father said "if you ever bring a black girl home ill beat the life out of you." and my mother "why can't you find a nice white girl like your brothers?" Don't get me wrong I like white girls a lot, but black girls are so damn sexy I can't not stare at them lol. I know some are into the ghetto/thug thing, but there are so many sweet, beautiful, sexy black women all over the place! ah! back to the point, my Girlfriend is black, I've met her family and the women seemed to love me but the black guys were so angry and called me things I don't care to repeat, but we got through it and they accept us now. the next hurdle is my family, who I will get no support from at all but I don't care.

i need advice, how do I break it to them so that my family doesn't turn it into world war 3 over this?

oh and one last thing, I have read on here that many black girls think of themselves as ugly or unattractive. that is so not true black ladies you are BEAUTIFUL and I love you.

HumphreyT · Accepted Answer

It depends on your personality, but it's always a good rule of thumb to ease everyone into the idea of it. Much like a very hot bath when you ease into it you will find the situation pleasant and relaxing, but if you just jump in, it will burn your ass.

Well, that is how this situation will be for your girlfriend and your parents if you don't ease them into it.

Also, it helps if you can support yourself so if your parents do throw you out you have a place to live.

Definitely let your girlfriends know about your parents she needs to be mentall prepared for that whole awkward situation that will eventually take place.

Secondly, I agree with some of the other posters ask them why they don't like black people.

Also, not in the same conversation, but mention frequently over time how great your girlfriend is. This is good because it let's them realize you are happy, it will constantly keep her in your thoughts, reminds you how wonderful she is and it will get your parents more interested in a positive manner.

At some point again this shouldn't be done all at once but have a heart to heart with your dad don't even mention relationships. Just ask him questions about being a man and if he thinks it is being happy in life is important? Ask him if he thinks a man should chose happiness or conformity even if one meant not being happy? Mention the things that your dad has done that are different than most people (these are the things that give personality so everyone has things they don't do exactly the same as everyone else). Ask him why he does them if he knows they are different? It is likely he will say "Because he likes or prefers doing things that way." Ask him if he thinks he is wrong for doing things differently. Of course he will say no. Then tell him you are proud he is the man he is and willing to go against the grain of society. Tell him you hope you can be like him and stand up for what you do even if it's not what everyone expects. Then transition to relationships and ease into everything from there. I hope this helps.

blackmaxpayne · Accepted Answer

the only way that you can change their mind is if you stand to them like a man and let them know, verbally or non-verbally, something like...

i love this woman and I can see myself with her for a long time. I already know you may not like it but this is my choice. and if you don't appreciate my choices as the man that I am then its OK. just support me as your son who won't make decisions that will jeopardize my or anyone elses life in any way. this is my decision and I'm sticking with it for as long as I can.

if that or something in the nature of what I just wrote doesn't work, then you maynt be able to make them change their minds... but theyre STILL parents. parents can't help it but to understand that its your decisions, feelings and heart and you give it to who you want.

i have a Girlfriend whose white. while my parents taught me finding a women that treats you correctly is the correct way to pic, my black neighbor, is against it... but she still understands. she doesn't like it but she realizes that I'm happy and we talk about it over wine at her house all da time.

otherwise just make sure you have your boxing gloves at the ready when you walk in da door.

p.s.: leave the engine running too.

Honey18 · Accepted Answer

My dad is completely racist and my husband's mom is completely against her children dating or marrying outside of their race. I am white and my husband is Mexican American. Neither of us cared what our parents said about it because we love each other and we are going to be together despite what they have to say and now they are used to it. My dad said "I like him even though I really don't want to". At one point I was living in his parents house (without him there) while we were dating and his mom kicked me out. Now that I am pregnant with her granddaughter she has accepted the fact that no matter how much she doesn't like that I'm white, I'm not going anywhere. Sure I'd like my daughter to look like me and maybe she will you never know, but that doesn't change how much I love her and it doesn't say that she won't get an even mix of both races heritage. Also, she will most likely "act white" also (though I hate using that statement because I don't believe people really act as a race) because my husband "acts white" (he says that he is 'white washed') and I am white. If you love a person for who they are (race and all) then their or your parents shouldn't be able to choose who you are with. There is no need to even bring them into the relationship unless you truly want to. If you do, then sit them down and say that you understand their beliefs are one way but yours are another and you would hope that they are accepting of your decisions as their son. Tell them that your girlfriend is of another race and talk to them about it. We both know that you didn't pick the girl you are with just because of her race so explain that to them also. Tell them that if she was white you would still feel the same way about her but she is not and they should accept her for who she is. If they don't accept it then just don't bring her over to meet them. If you end up marrying her then they will have to accept it anyways.

LostXAngeL · Accepted Answer

Okay I went to an urban college.  I was out of place since I was actually a country girl from roots.  I will tell ya like this ...  My father always told me if I ever brought a black guy home he would kill me.  I never did but I never really found love or big feelings for a black man perhaps it was because what he said to me!?  I met a lot of lovely men whom were black and arab mexican race didn't matter to me we were all friends!   However I became great friends with this black man he is married there was no love we were like bro an sis!  Each time we go out the older black ladies will tell him you should be ashamed of yourself there is so many beautiful black women you are a disgrace!  Haha they think we are together!  So we got into the conversation of interracial dating.  He told me that it is the same way for the black families that they do not want their kids dating outside.  Some are better about it however it happens on both sides.  It is pretty much equal its not necessarily racism it is more so they want to maintain culture and creed in their kids.  They don't want the kids being picked on that those two in love may bring into the world.  I know it sounds dumb yet it does sound understandable as well.  But I still feel you cannot put a color or culture on love it is the heart.  Just make sure its what you want and discuss it with the one your in love with before you get to deep and make sure that its something your both willing to stand up to!

caramelapple34 · Accepted Answer

I'm a black girl and I love white guys. My dad is from Nigeria had always told me that if I ever brought a white guy home that he would disown me. Sounds like you have something similar going on. The only thing you can do is tell your parents in advance before you bring her over to meet them and make sure you warn her that things may be a little uncomfortable. Also make sure she is really special to you because it sounds like this could create quite an uproar in your family. If you believe she is worth it then you will have to let them meet her sooner or later. Better sooner so you and her can decide together if the drama will be worth staying together for.  By the way, the reason all the females in her family were so nice and the males so mean was because the females tend to be a little more open minded toward interracial dating when the guy is white. If it were reversed, say they had a son and he brought home a white girl, the women would have been mean and the guys would have been nice. It's weird I know.

keneticman1 · Answer

Racism started with white people called the Slavic's, that is where the name, SLAVE came from, it is completely wrong for white people to be racist, but not exactly mad a blacks, blacks are mad about slavery still, why can't the white people be mad about there past slave masters?

slavery isn't as uncommon as you think, there are still many slaves being sold in other countries, and some still in the united states, slavery isn't about race, it is about ignorance and power, any color person can be a slave, black people just got a little privilege to be able to call a race card against any white person that doesn't like them cause they threw a fit, if you do your research on REAL INFORMATION, not the governments so called "truth" you will find that the south was right, and the civil war wasn't about slavery, it was about citizenship status, there were first class citizens and there were second class citizens (slaves), when the civil war ended, we lost so many rights that we can't even own property anymore(yes taxes are rent, RENT), all the south wanted was to be free, but the ignorance of stupid people made not only them, but everybody second class citizens, they did not put slaves up higher, the dropped everybody else down.

tell them that, and it was there own fault for being ignorant and that you care if they approve, but won't take no for an answer

ZenSpace · Answer

AlI can say is I'm sorry you have such racist parents. Its really horrible that you should be forced to deal with such pointless hate in your family. That's rough brother.

I think the other people who posted are right. Be sure your girlfriend knows your family is racist, so she isn't shocked when she finds out.

I would avoid getting angry with your parents, that will only escalate the situation. Are you still living with them? That changes the landscape a lot. If you must discuss it with them, just calmly say this is your life, and if they can't say anything nice about your girlfriend they should keep it to themselves, and stay quiet.

Elisha · Answer

Well thanks for the love! I'm a black girl that has always loved white guys. My grandmother is racist and never tries to hide it except at work.

Anyway back to your question. Try asking them why they don’t like black people, I doubt that they (or anybody else) will have a good answer. If they still give you crap about it then try telling them that it is you life and black people (girlfriend, guy friend or whatever). So its up to them to be a part of it too.

Btw, I love that you met her family without knowing how everything would turn out. It shows you really care about her.

hkygirl · Answer

as much as I agree with lost-angel, I don't think that approach'll last long. what happens when your girl says, "how come you won't go ahead and tell your parents about me?are you ashamed of me?i told my parents about you. when are you going to tell your parents about me" that's when you make the mistake of telling her the truth, "i want to make sure this works. I want to wait until we may or may not get married" which is code for, "i want to know this is worth fighting for." she's already introduced you to her parents so in her eyes, it's already worth fighting for. I agree with lost-angel for now but just be careful  because it could very much bite you in the ass. I'd tread water carefully with that one.

Mcstarr · Answer

im sorta kinda in the same situation I'm mexican born in the states but my dad is always saying that if he ever finds out I'm dating a black guy or chineese korean guy that he will kick me out of the house and if I start to date them I'm gonna end up marrying 1 and I do find some guys verry atractive but I guess I'm just to scared to even say it out loud my mom she's supportive of who ever I date as loong as I'm happy and I don't get pregnate as a teenager she's good but its hard cause my dad rather me date a white guy cause I'm white complected with light brown eyes that change color sometimes and I have no white in me at all and basicly the movie "our family wedding" can basicly say how my famiy would react if I dated some1 that wasn't hispanic. So I just hope things work out for the best although it won't be easy

littlesqueakers · Answer

i am no expert on this stuff but what I would do is think of an icebreaker convo ya know like don't just like tell your parents one day "Oh hey I have a new girlfriend." And then like when they meet her say something like, "Oh hey did I mention she was black." Avoid that situation at all costs! But like maybe over dinner or something just tell them you have a girlfriend and explain to them how much you like her and that you two know that the relationship is more than an infatuation. Um...then tell her that she is black. Maybe if you tell them how good of a person she is then they will be less reluctant to accept her. Yep! I think that is so admirable that you wouldn't let your family dictate who you date and such. Well the best of luck to you sir and I hope I helped lots! :D

wildfire5288 · Answer

I don't know exactly how you go about telling your family but at least tell her so she knows.  I'm black and my ex's Dad was racist and I didn't know.  He had already met my parents and I kept asking him why he didn't want me to meet his parents because I thought he was embarrassed of me or something and then when he finally told me his Dad was racist it was about 10 minutes before I went on stage to play a concert...not the best timing.  First I was upset that his Dad was racist, then I was upset that he hadn't told me, and then I was just upset in general.

lost-angel · Answer

Don't tell them.

What's the point in stressing out when you don't even know if you will end up with her forever? Save the stress for later when you are for sure. As in, marriage and stuff. Because either way, you know your parents will give you a hard time, and it will just get inbetween you and her.

thetheme · Answer

This is not going to be easy for you. You are going to have to leave your family out of your relationship. You have to be in a relationship to make you and your girl happy, not your parents. If that were the case, then you would have to settle to whatever your parents want for you. You say you don't care because you know that you will get no support. Do even try to convience them. I understand you completely because I am a black man that has dated other races, but you have to shut all the negativity out and enjoy the relationship that you have. You are never going to satisfy everyone around you, so you have to concentrate on you, what you love, and what you are attracted to. Enjoy the good woman you have and stay proud of your relationship. MAYBE someday your family will think otherwise. If your woman bothers you about this just tell her that it's in the best interest that you two just be together and that's all that matters. I hope for the best man.

NirvanaChic · Answer

well. the point is, do you mind having black children, or would you rather have white children..which is what you are. If you don't mind your kids being a race that you are not, then you just have to ignore your problems.

that is why I don't believe in dating outside the race..because I want my kids to assimilate with what I am..not to others, or to just my husband. that wouldn't be fair to me.

20Questions · Answer

You're just gonna have to make the decision and take whatever comes from it, I know an interracial couple that had to move to Canada from UK after having their 2nd child cos the families were always at war, obviously now they don't have much contact with the fam but they're much happier...there's always gonna be a price to pay since racism is still going strong in the world.

mslique · Answer

awwwww you are the sweetest guy on here. Maybe your parents could meet here one on one. Like, take her, her mother and your mother out to dinner and then maybe you, your dad and her dad could go bowling or something. But when it all comes down to it...you have to live your life. You don't want to regret loosing out on a good woman based off of her race. Fight for your woman!

IHateMeganFox · Answer

Tell them that you love her and you don't care what they say. Yes, she may be black but she's a wonderful women and if they really wanted the best for you they would let you be happy.

And I agree with you, black woman you are beautiful.

RedDawn1 · Answer

I know what it is like, I am a White man and my lady is a very beautiful Black woman who is from Nigeria and we have 3 kids, a son and two daughters my sister never accepted her even though she has never met her and claims that they cannot have contact with foreign nationals that it will affect my brother in law's security clearance at his job, I was disinherited from my mom's will (mom passed away in 2012) and I was denied my right to see mom's ashes get spread because I snapped at my sister for how she spoke of my lady. Your parents are really being ignorant and the thing is family does not always know best because it is never good to fall in love with someone just to please others other than yourself. If you have to take a stand, do it.

m3TALchick · Answer

If I were you I would be straight up with them. They don't have to accept it if they want to, but they need to show your girlfriend respect when/if they meet her. You can't control who you fall in love with and they have no right to judge. I don't think its something you should hide, if your really into someone and you really care about them, then tell your parents.

Anonymous · Answer

Tell your family that she's black. Don't wait until she gets to the house and they're staring at her like she has 3 heads. Just tell them that you like her for her and that she makes you happy. You might not change their minds but at least you tried. And warn your girlfriend that they are racist.

I don't think I would date a guy who's parents are racist, I am too sensitive lol

the_queen_tiye · Answer

Hey! Well my parents are very open so, no I don't have exp. with that. But I do know that you have options! You could try and bring her around, let them see that she is the one YOU want. Or you could not tell them at all... or you could lie...

My boyfriend *apparently* was completely closed to the idea of dating a black girl, but I'm not every black girl... maybe your parents will see the same in your lady.

^.^

arubian06 · Answer

tell your parents it's the 21th century and racism is foolish. just break it to them, if your dad wants to beat  you up then defend yourself. that's what I would do. but if you want to do it without too much trouble I would recommend you tell your mom first, and let her break the news to your dad after a good sex session when his nerves are calmed.

Breann · Answer

i don't know your family but I think that you should just wait a little and gradually ease conversations about race in,after a while they will begin to notice you talking about it a lot more and everything should escalate from there. I'm unsure of what to tell you and I am sorry for the lack of help.all I can say is that if you really love her then you already know that it won't be a walk through the park. you a very sweet and I hope it works out, you remind me of my boyfriend who is also white jaja;) go figure!

Anonymous · Answer

I would start of by telling  them how I felt about the person that was making me happy. Tell them how she makes you feel when you are around her and how you feel when you are apart. Tell them how much she means to you and how you can't live with put her (If this is true). Make them feel the same way you feel about her with out telling them her race. Make them weep. Make them see that you are happy and you have found the one you want to be with. Every parent has certain expectation for there children whether it be career paths and race but they have to remember that they can't satisfy your every need. You have to be true to your heart and they may not except it but you have to live for yourself first. I believe it is what's within that matter not the color of your skin. At the end of the day we are all human.

How do I tell my parents about my black girlfriend when they are racist?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

How do I tell my parents about my black girlfriend when they are racist?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.