Why do women partake in casual hookups and act shocked/hurt when that's all it is?

Question

I'm not trying to be judgmental here: it's fine if you're just out to fuck people casually. Do what you want. What I don't understand are the girls who knowingly only hookup with a guy once or twice and then act HURT and SURPRISED when he ghosts them/wants nothing more to do with them.

I'm not an expert on hookup culture, but I'm pretty sure the purpose of it is to fuck and move on. Sure, some people might do the whole "friends with benefits" thing, but it seems smart people don't get involved in those since feelings often happen. Usually (not limited) women are the ones who get attached.

So, what gives? Why is it always so hurtful and shocking wen you agree to hookup and nothing more comes out of it? Were you really not expecting that, or do you go into it hoping sex will make something serious flourish?

Wonderer89 · Accepted Answer

I always think it’s because even subconsciously these women feel that sex > desirability > intimacy > feelings which means they’re wanted for more than just the body they’re putting on the line. When that doesn’t happen it’s a form of rejection and makes them reflect on their self worth which doesn’t seem like a lot in the face of someone telling them they aren’t enough to invest in emotionally.
A lot of the time I don’t think it’s even that they particularly want more with that man (seeing as they knew what they were getting into) but that the rejection of more is a stab to the ego. We all want to be desirable, even if we don’t particularly want more with that person it’s not pleasant to hear we aren’t, outside of our vagina

jellyroo · Accepted Answer

Who doesn't cry at the loss of a good piece of dick?
Even if you met at 2am in a bar, wasted, and all you did was make out and tell each other how bad you want to bang and let's go to your place. And the next day you just say thanks for the bang and depart from each other.

That IS how you secure the man of your dreams right? Have I been wrong all these years?

djmzes · Accepted Answer

Simple...
All goes back to oxytocin which is released in the body of women when having sex. The substance primary role is to create bond with the other person and this cannot be changed by anything. It is the basic mechanism of the brain.
And since women are emotional creature this substance has great impact.

After you are done, the brain find the hole and something missing.

Why do women partake in casual hookups and act shocked/hurt when that's all it is?

Cosytoasty · Accepted Answer

In their minds it never occured to them that a guy might want more than just sex from a relationship grade woman. Also that giving away yourself cheaply is a huge turnoff for any decent guy.

Zsazsabear · Answer

OK I feel I need to stand up for the ladies a bit here! :)
(Not bashing the males either... much love for the men too!)
I would consider myself pretty together emotionally, I have a decent emotion /logic balance (except when I'm hungry, then I'm irrational Af!)
I've never been into the casual sex thing myself (just couldn't be arsed 😂)
But as I've said (in almost all my posts!🙈🙊) I'm a hugely sexual female and let's face I'm not we all got needs!
I was chatting to a guy I was introduced to through friends, he was lovely, honestly we chatted for over a year... then it started turning g flirty, first I wasn't that interested as I as happy single as I am in a relationship. So I could take it or leave it
Over time it got more intense and he was starting to push buttons, I was interested, as time went by he had figured out everything I liked, turned up where I went out, had my friends believing he was besotted with me.. I started to let him in, texting got insanely sexy and by the time we met we could keep our hands off each other, we became friends with benefits, as I still didn't want a relationship, he continued to act super interested for mths... then I fell for him, told him so, and instantly he went cold fish,
I picked up on it straight away and had the sense to no peruse it
But trust me, some guts will go to massive lengths to reel you in... its hard for even non emotional dominant girls to not see it coming!
So give the girls a break here...

BrittBratt2416 · Answer

Thank you cause I don't get it either. I constantly see these type of questions from girls daily asking if their friends with benefits likes them knowing fully well that the relationship was built off physical relations with that person.

These women/girls think that if you give a man sex then he will love you and will want to stay and that is far from the truth. You can't just say this relationship is purely sex and then assume it's going to blossom into something else ladies, stop thinking your vagina has this magical power that's going to make a man commitment cause it's not.

Our society has gotten completely backwards, it's sleep together first and then see if you want a relationship and a lot of times it just doesn't work in the hook up community. And I'm sorry to say this, but most women are not Samantha from sex in the city, lets just be real here. Most women can't do the friends with benefits relationship, most of us suck at it cause we are women.

Sex is extremely important to us, when we decided a man is worthy of our bodies it's cause we trust him enough to do so and because we have an emotional attachment to that man. Sex for women is more than just physical, it's mental and emotional for a lot of us. I know for a fact that I can't just sleep with a guy and not have feelings for him... it's not going to happen.

So if you're a woman who knows very well that she gets attached easily, you don't need to be doing the friends with benefits life style.. in fact none of us should do it cause it's ruining the relationship between man and woman sadly.

ChurchOfIron · Answer

There is no "hook up culture". Ask anyone on the street how they feel about it, they'll say the same thing. "Lame hook up culture. I believe in monogamy." Always hear people bitching about the "hook up culture", but never anyone actually hooking up. Aside from the guys who are skilled enough to convince women to hook up.

When was the last time you heard about someone talking about how many people they've hooked up with, out in the open? That's tabboo. Even more for men, these days, with the qualification of "fuckboys". There is no "hook up culture". It's the same as it ever was.

The chicks who have sex while expecting more are the same as nice guys.

They're people pleasers. They expect, "I'm doing this for you, so now you owe me." Just like the guys who are like, "Look how many times I've been nice to you. Now you owe me pussy." Then throw a hissy fit when it doesn't work out like that.

The version of nice girls are the ones who have sex just because they think that will buy them commitment. "Okay, I gave you pussy, so now you belong to me."

Mac4kayla · Answer

Guess some women are hopeless romantics and are wanting sex. I used to have casual sex and a friends with benefits and they all went well and once we got tired of each other we'd move on and that didn't bother me. But my last friends with benefits I fell in love over time because I learned more about him and things got more personal fast, and we had a lot in common. He started taking me on dates and we did more things outside the bedroom. Eventually we made things official and we're still dating and have been dating for 7 months and I'm happy :)

But I don't see how people can fall for people easily like 1-2 weeks in though, I had friends with benefits like this and it was so weird to deal with. But I get how you spend some time with someone and start to gradually develop feeling for them. Some times you can't quite control who you "fall in love with". Even though you know they don't feel the same way feeling are some of the things people can't control because they get infatuated with what things could be and get their hopes up after seeing someone for a while. But to start getting feels after a few days or weeks is weird, and I'd be more likely to avoid people like that when dating

Anonymous · Answer

In this society people still live in dreamworld, and get all their visions of flourished lifestyles from television. They see their best friends in relationships that developed from a hookup, so they think the same will happen in their situation. Men are not emotional as women are, and till this day don't stop to realize this. Sexual relations with a man will not help him think any less of you than he already do. There are women who agree to casual sex, and try to change their mind after having sex. In some women mind their p*ssy can change a man, and get him to fall head over heels hoping it will no longer be about casual sex. Once the man decline their dating request then the woman become upset and start taking sneaky photos. As form of manipulation they send them to his girlfriend, or post on social media seeking attention. Now there are some women out here who don't turn shock and mature enough to understand the deal. They accept the casual sex and don't be emotionally attached. All of this also fall into the category of women men choose to deal with involving women personalities.

Aynsof · Answer

I would guess it is one of two things or a mix of the Two
One is that while they may want a casual hook up themselves there is a certain social stigma attached to it so afterwards there can be a certain buyers remorse and then that gets countered by inventing an emotional connection that is not really there
Another is that even going in knowing it is just a casual thing they may expect it to be so special it will by the act itself transform from being a casual thing into a serious thing
Also on a side note the way dating culture in general is where me are the pursuers and women the gatekeepers there is an inherent understanding that the pursuing party does what it takes to be accepted by the gatekeeper
This is understood by all parties even the misrepresentation that can be pursuers strategy but even though the gatekeeper is aware of this they sometimes let themselves be fooled because they wish to believe it
Personally I thing this whole aspect of dating culture is dysfunctional and archaic and does not do anyone any favours but no one really seems interested in changing things in that department

Anonymous · Answer

Does my situation apply? Its a bit of a backwards order of operation but we met, we went on our first date and had sexual contact but no sex (because I was a virgin and I was scared), we went on multiple dates later, he told me he loved me, and I liked him so much. I didn't know what love was but I realize I fell in love with him before I knew what love was. He told me a lie and we broke up, but even though I was mad at him I still partook in casual sex with my ex feeling that thats all he wanted. I wanted the companionship with him. I could have slept with anybody but I wanted him and I missed the feeling of being close to him, so even though I knew all he wanted was casual sex after the break up I loved him and held on to him as long as I could. I never pressured him to get back together, but we both did continue to say I love you and he did express after a while that he missed me, which lead to an apology for hurting me, which lead to him asking for a second chance. Back in a relationship, my expectations were higher because I wanted everything that made me fall in love with him in the first place. I guess it was too kuch to ask because he ghosted. I know he used me and I accept responsibility for everything but I think people may do things out of desperation. Unfortusntely I was already in love before we started having sex ONLY casually. Before that we were a couple and a loving one. He did everything for me at one point, he listened to me and loved me just as strongly as I loved him. Too bad all that became of us was a memory and a lesson on letting go.

JimRSmith · Answer

It's generally down to poor self-esteem.

They think if they don't put out, the guy won't be interested, whereas men of, how shall I put it, higher quality, actually *don't* expect a girl to drop her knickers on the first date.

As I've said on this website, time and time again, meaningless casual sex is generally a poor idea for BOTH genders.

GetzRekt · Answer

Yeah, I wonder this myself. The amount of women on here who post about catching feelings for friends with benefits, and it IS almost always women posting, never fails to amaze me. Even more so when the guy has made it very clear from the beginning that he's not interested in a relationship.

There seems to be a belief or at least a hope that sexual intimacy will make a guy catch feelings. It won't. I've not known a guy who can't have sex with no feelings needed whatsoever. There also seems to be a constant misreading of 'signs', again underpinned by hope above common sense, such as "He cuddles me after sex". Well wow, he's not a monster. That doesn't mean that he wants to be exclusive.

notearslefttocry · Answer

Women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex... In other words, women who engage in sex often hope that with time the guy will develop feelings for them and when that doesn't happen, it hurts them... While some men lie that they love you so that they can have sex with you

9teen · Answer

Because they're stupid and fvck logic.
The average intelligence isn't high though so I'm not goddamn surprised. Usually intelligent women and men avoid the hook up culture.

I don't care either way, they could damage their souls completely and bleed their hearts out for all I care, if someone is that stupid, doesn't count the consequences like a mature person and still has that sugarcloud rainbow mentality from her childhood where she expects the guy to magically fall in love with her, then she deserves whatever she gets and I won't feel the slightest of sorry for her.

MlleCake · Answer

A lot of these men who engage women in casual hookups lead them on to think there is more there just to get the woman into bed. In other words: lie.

Now, do I think it's silly to believe guys in those circumstances? Yes. But women don't develop this idea in a vacuum. Men are genuinely leading women on too.

Not universally of course.

Elizzie · Answer

Women need emotional attachment during sex, so even during a casual hookup, if a girl gets really turned on, she may feel a false emotional attachment to the guy, then gets slapped in the face by reality after intercourse that there never really was any connection. Being brought back to the reality is what these women get upset about.

CasaNorba · Answer

finally the million dollar question I've been dying to get the answer from!

I knew it couldn't be a coincidence that almost all women who tinder always write "Sorry I don't do hookups" as their headline despite the app is supposed to be for hooking up. anyways I've said this a lot before and pissed a lot of people off. to me the reason is because women have "prostitute" encoded in their dna. when they have sex they obviously expect something valuable in return. if its no money its other things, including attachments and many other

worldscolide · Answer

while this is not true of all women.. Most women i have spoken to go in to relationships or agreements, or friends with benefits situations with the hope that things will change. Men on the other hand tend to go in to those kind of situations with the hopes that things will stay the same.. Ultimately women simply want more than casual sex no matter how much they say otherwise. Sometimes they see casual sex as a gateway to a full on relationship, this is what happens when you're the more emotional half of the species.

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

Because very few men have the decency to say, "this is only a hook up" "I want something casual"

Most will say things like "I like you, lets see where this goes" "I'm by open to a serious relationship" and then do the shitty thing aka ghost you. They could at least have the decency to say, sorry I've decided to prioritize career education" "I'd be serious but not for you" "I don't a future for us beyond hookups"

Nope most will go on pretending to be open to something real but secretly "not with you", only they just don't have the decency to mention that you're not the one. but they will try to extract as much sex from you as possible before you figure it out of your own.
Not all guys are like this, but the ones who only care about maximizing their weekly sex.

apple24 · Answer

Stupid people. I honestly think women would should be shame for going out n sleeping around. That’s unladylike seriously. Sex is suppose to be given to the person your gonna marry. It’s a private side if you that shouldn’t be given out like candy. I honestly laugh at girls that want more out of casual hookup!

ShesAmerican · Answer

As you said women get emotionally attached easily. I feel like when they’re in the moment of fucking they feel some kind of initimacy, fun, sexy, etc. but once it’s over and the guy decides to dip the loneliness starts to dissolve and wonder, “hm could he be the right guy for me?” I also feel like sometimes some women don’t know what they exactly want. Especially when they’re aroused lmao they want to do things just because they’re horny

coralee · Answer

The only times I'm shocked or hurt is when dude is intentionally playing mind games. If someone is open and honest with me upfront about a casual hook-up I am fine. It's the jerks who act like they want more and then get cagey when you act on that intention. Don't talk about spending the weekend with me and then act like I'm the one with the problem. Be straight up and I'm the chillest person you could meet.

GreedyGiver651 · Answer

In my experience, or rather what I'm told from my partners. It's unfortunately common for one of the people hooking up, to bend the truth or lie about what the expectations are for the encounter. So while , for example, the girl will expect a long term friends with benefits that might evolve into more, the guy will say the same, but ghost after one or two times. So clear communication is a definite factor in that.

Why do women partake in casual hookups and act shocked/hurt when that's all it is?

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