I feel less feminine after a bad relationship. What advice would you give to a woman hardened by a bad lover?

[Anonymous]

In my personal opinion I was submissive to my ex boyfriend. It was more of a natural reaction to feeling secure than a conscious choice to be that way specifically. I wasn’t just totally docile to his every instruction, rather I respected his decisions and him a lot. Originally I felt that I had a man who meant what he said and overtime I began to feel in my woman’s intuition that he wasn’t as “capable” and “dependable” or even “trustworthy” as I perceived. I considered myself a strong person. I had been through a lot in my life on my own. I was always the lone person in school, the black sheep of my family, the friend who was just there because they were liked even though they didn’t fit in. And when I was with him, I felt that rare feeling of actually belonging. And he wasn’t what I expected him to be. I think my expectations were high and also insulting to him. Maybe he felt pressured or something. The times where I would assert my independence and my option of leaving/disregarding him were the times he seemed most interested or most moved to actually be a more compromising partner. I was usually so accommodating that maybe it bored him. When we argued he would try to taunt a harsher reaction out of me. He had said his exes had hit him or called him names and the way he describes those times is like “that’s just what women do”. And I wasn’t somebody who could be provoked in that way so maybe I wasn’t his type. I think he probably wanted to toughen me up for the real world, despite the fact that I allowed him the title of protector more literally than I should have when I depended on him to be a safe haven from the world. Lmao.
Anyway, it’s been a long time since that relationship ended and it hardened me. I don’t feel feminine anymore. I feel like nothing phases me and men just don’t seem “adult” to me. I just notice a lot of irresponsible, games playing, lying, manipulating, etc. Sad but true. What would you advise to any woman who has been hardened by her past?

[JackSmy]

Wouldn't it be amazing, if you could find a really good man, that really cared about you, loved you, and treated you like a lady, and you could relax, and trust, and be safe, and if you felt submissive, he would just love you, love you, and NEVER hurt you?
I have a lot of female friends, and no matter how badly they get hurt, by whatever DOUCHBAG, they always seem to fall in love with another, JUST LIKE THE LAST ONE!!
You are only going to find love, compassion, and trust, when you change the ones that you choose, as partners.
It's tough, and most, struggle, their whole lives, with that!
Why do you pick these guys? Why are they so attractive?
NOT AT ALL, SHAMING THE VICTIM, but are you making good choices, for lovers?

[Asker]

I said it above that I felt the natural reaction that he was safe. It felt safe at first. I watched him interact with others and honestly I saw a few red flags I won’t lie. But I also saw him treat people who mattered to him like they were special. I witnessed him drop everything to make sure his brother had lunch at work, cancel his plans to babysit his nieces and actually attempt to make their time together fun, be a good person to his friends and the “favorite” of his coworkers. Keep in mind I was the black sheep in my own family and I had a chaotic upbringing so to see him getting along so well with his was something I always wanted to be able to do with my own. And he accepted me into his life so willingly that I felt honored. His family was so friendly and inviting and when I met them they made me feel like I could come anytime and like they could tell I as a good presence in his life-like I was good for him. I felt like I belonged and everything else aside, that’s why I fell for him. I can’t say it was a wise reason but it’s probably the main reason

[swettannie]

take your time, it can be quite difficult to find the good one