Why do people assume that I am rude?

[Anonymous]

People just automatically assume that I am rude. I am introverted, socially awkward and struggle to start conversations. But once someone starts the conversation, I am very friendly to them. However, people stare at me, never really approach.

I had to live out of my house, in shared apartments, for my graduation. Girls avoided me there. My roommate, who is also very introverted, on the other hand, had people talk to her. She is not even that friendly. Whenever I was absent or busy doing something, our housemates would come to chat with her. One day she was absent and I, after returning from college, saw two of them, in the corridor, frightened. The moment I asked them, whether everything was okay, they looked surprised and after much hesitation replied that there was a cockroach in their room. There was only one very talkative girl that at points talked to me in a very mean way. She was perfectly fine with my roommate.

I tried talking to a few girls but most of them kind of hated me. One of the few people I could truly be friends with told me one day, "before talking to you, I used to think of you as an arrogant, rude girl. Who knew you could be this nice!" I felt weird. She herself was an introvert, social anxiety was nothing new to her.

Guys, on the other hand, never were friendly with me. They were amicable towards all the other girls, but for some weird reason, avoided me completely. However, a few of them tried to initate conversations by texting but ended up sending messages like "I love you" /"I like you" /"can we meet?"

Is it RBF? Or something else?

[jeemm]

Just because you and her are both introverted doesn't mean people will treat you the same. It's like saying "she has pink fingernails like me so how some she always gets so many compliments but I never get any?" They could be totally unrelated to the compliments.

She could be less introverted than you or have other social traits like attentiveness in way that makes her more invested in what others say.

If people who have never spoken to you before are claiming you're rude then it's probably due to rumors or physical appearance though. I don't think anyone thinks they're omniscient enough to know how someone behaves before even talking to them.

[Asker]

No, actually by saying that, I am trying to suggest that my roommate is not even that friendly. I mean, I have often caught her saying things that can hurt people's feelings.

I don't think that people that have never met before has heard rumors about me. But you are right. It's probably physical appearance. I actually believe that I am ugly.

[jeemm]

Unless she's actively trying to hurt someone's feelings for her own nefarious satisfaction I don't think that's not necessarily a bad thing if her friends are appreciative of her personality.

Take me for an example. I always speak in the most honest way that lacks any censure whatsoever even if at times it ends up hurting other people's feelings as a result. Like saying they've made a huge mistake with some decision I think is a mistake or telling they're not particularly attractive if they ask me if they're ugly or not.

I don't know if that's the same for her but at least for my friends and family they've always appreciated my honesty.

You said they thought you were arrogant so I don't think you're ugly although I haven't seen you... My point is that even if an ugly person acts arrogant it's only seen as delusional to others, not arrogant. Of course you can be arrogant about accomplishments too and that logic doesn't apply to that.

[Asker]

I get your point. But there is a difference between being straightforward and being mean. For example, you have stated that you can tell people tell people that they aren't particularly attractive, if they want you to give your opinion on that subject. My roommate, on the other hand, just randomly starts making negative comments on people's appearance. Like, she has found more than 20 faults with my appearance and I never told her to rate me. She also ignores people. I often see people say hi to her and she doesn't even care to reply. I would say that I am more straightforward than her because she, although can make fun of others can't really protest when people do the same to her. I on the other hand, never fear to protest.

I mentioned the thing about my appearance because once, one of the prettiest girls of my class told me, "although you don't look good, you are so comfortable in your own skin. It's like you don't fear anyone. I envy that." They think that I am arrogant because, according to them, I don't act the way I should act.

[na2398]

@jeemm I was scrolling through the feed right now when I came across your opinion. I absolutely agree with your thoughts. People are often rude for the reasons you mentioned.

Also, having known you for quite some time, I really appreciate your honesty no matter what. :) One of the strong reasons why people like me appreciate you a lot. :)

[jeemm]

Yeah she's not exactly the nicest in that case. I wonder what makes her suitable friendship material then because there has to be something. It's easy to think she's only bad and the world is wrong for preferring her over you but that's just not the case. I'm quite certain there are a plenty of positive traits about her that some would prefer over you for example.

I don't know sounds like you're being bullied or something. People don't just go up to someone and say "you're ugly but at least you're confident" without some alternative motive. If she wanted to compliment you she could go about it some other way so it makes no sense what she did unless she had negative intentions. Well at least that's how it sounds to me.

[Asker]

There is probably a reason. She is not bad though, she just doesn't understand what to say and what not to say. I have often pointed out things to her and asked how would have she felt, if she was treated the same way, and that used to anger her immediately. However, she is really good at talking about things like clothes, jewelleries etc. They do not interest me that much, I am way too lazy to give these things a thought. Plus, even if I give opinions on topics like that, people laugh. I hear them talk about those things the most.

Not being bullied probably. I get "you are ugly" from women a lot. They tell the truth but are quite insensitive.

[jeemm]

You're better off not forcing yourself to chat about jewelry. Can't think of anything more boring than that.

At least some of the examples you've given sound like you might the target of bullies. At least keep your mind open to the possibility of that being the case. People getting bullied often develop a sense that they're inferior or weak in comparison to the bullies as that's the main objective of the bullying. Anyone can bully and anyone can be bullied. A group of 6 year old kids can bully a 20 year old bodybuilder by targeting his/her insecurities. It doesn't mean the target is weak.

[Anonymous]

Probably because guys showed interest in you, and you stood there and said nothing. Nobody likes the silent treatment. It is an awful way to treat someone who expresses their feelings to you. So when you stay there and do not say anything, you make others angry at you. Women typically give silent treatment. You may not mean to do it; they are going to assume you have a catty attitude if you give them blank stares or do not say anything.

[Opinion Owner]

By the way, why do you even care what people think? Focus on your life. Do not worry about what others do.

[Asker]

Nobody ever said anything to me in person. They always texted and I declined their offers politely, never made a fuss about that, never behaved like something has happened or made fun of them.

But yes, I should just stop caring so much about other people's opinions.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe they felt disrespected because you denied their hospitality. They thought you were getting along, and then you flaked on them. I mean, just think, if you like talking to someone, you always tell them no whenever you have plans. My brother does that, and they always laugh when he says he will come over because they know he will flake.

[Asker]

They were not being hospitable, nor did they ever want to be friends with me. Here you don't know who to trust and who to not. They just thought that merely talking to them would make me fall for them. A ugly, shy girl would make a fine, temporary and submissive girlfriend.

[Opinion Owner]

Now you sound negative. About yourself, which I understand because I was socially awkward and 18-24 years old before. People like being around positive people. If you are constantly pessimistic about everything and present yourself poorly, bad people will want to take advantage of you. It is like you have a dirty house and you invite people to it. They will say it is messy and say, "well, I am just going to put my feet up on his couch. It is a piece of crap anyways.", but if you have a clean place, people will show you respect. It is the same with people. If you put your worst foot forward, you will attract bad people to you, and the good do not want to be around negative people. But if you show you care about yourself, good people will come to you, and the bad will see you have boundaries and avoid you. That is why I try to tell the truth because it will attract the right people and scare away the bad people.

[Opinion Owner]

I am oversimplifying, but you get the idea.

[Asker]

I am not that pessimistic. The only seemingly negative thing, I believe about myself is the fact that I am ugly. That's a reality. I have had innumerable people to point that out to me, mostly people that once knew as friends. I might be a good for nothing, but I do a lot of things. The idea people have of me is not me being negative or treating myself poorly. They think that I am way to self- centered for an ugly human being. And you know the sad part? We , no matter how good we are at things, will always be judged on our face value. I am quiet, don't talk about myself, don't use social media accounts to show off my daily lifestyle. They have no idea how I am. So, a lot of abusive people believe that I am shy and submissive and they can mistreat me. It's sad. I have often replied to them in a tone that proves that I have respect for myself and they immediately start, "look at the mirror first, see how do you look."

[Asker]

*Way too self-centered.

[Opinion Owner]

I do not think you are ugly. I find that hard to believe. I think the people you keep in your circle are degenerate, and you need better friends. Those people are not your friends. They are probably jealous of you and want you to feel miserable. I only hang around positive people.

[Guy13]

You have to change your nonverbals. Open up instead of packing your arms in. Smile and then you can avoid eye contact. The right guy will sense that you are fragile. Opening your body up consciously will go far to eliminate that first impression. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you. You are right, I do have a habit of packing my arms in. And I can't do eye contact at all. However, once I befriended a girl by providing her with my homework for an entire semester. Later, I came to know that she hated me. And men- well, I one day helped a random man that sat beside me in bus with something. He asked for my contact info. Another person, that I paid attention and was very polite to, told me that he found me so interesting that he could hear me speaking to him all through his life. I now fear talking to the opposite gender, every time I try, they end up thinking that I am easy.

[Guy13]

Ohhh, i get it. Guys are friendly and receptive while girls are bitchy and want to keep you shut down !! Sounds right for the girls and the guys will eventually mature past "Every time you speak to them you want to sleep with them."-Most of the time. it is Sophomore year university... after Freshman reality...

[Asker]

Lol! No really. I am from a country where men and women still aren't that comfortable with each other. Women are stereotypically portrayed as bubbly and extroverted. If an extroverted woman is friendly with men, that simply means that she is good-hearted. Now, here, if a 'shy' girl tries to be nice with a guy, guys always assume that she is flirting with them.

And I never said that girls want to keep me shut down. Most of them just don't like me and wouldn't want me to be their friend. I believe the reason behind this is - I am ugly and can't ever be popular. Young girls often believe that having an ugly, awkward girl in their team would ruin their impressions.

[Guy13]

Okay. I’m from country too. Still no stop light there but I’m in 2.5 million city now. Where I’m from…after we kiss first thing is to check with family and make sure not related. At least second cousins 🙃
😎

[Asker]

Well, by 'country' I mean a South-east Asian country, still struggling with harassment, rape, child marriage and things like that. Here, women still can't go out alone after sunset. So, therefore, here, the idea of 'kissing' or 'sleeping' with someone you aren't married to is big taboo. Men in my country are way too desperate, they don't get to know much about the opposite sex and therefore whenever meets them, end up being weird. More so, if it's a shy, introverted girl because shy women are submissive.

[Asker]

*a big taboo
*whenever meet them.

Sorry for the typing errors.

[Guy13]

Wow... I have Business in Thailand as well as residences. Lots of time form South Korea to Cambodia to Malaysia etc... Which country are you?

[Asker]

India.

[Guy13]

Ahhh. Yiu know what the Feminist are telling us in America. That you girls 👧 are running the country now…at least part of it where Itvis a lady-ran society 🤷🏻‍♂️. What I know from Indian 🇮🇳 clients is arranged marriage, educate, dowry, and make babies that become doctors, accountants, banker at Deutsche 😎. That about right ⁉️

[Asker]

We are definitely in a better place than we used to be. But still "running the country" is a far cry. There is a part of India, towards the north-east, where the society is female dominated. But, it's not the case with the whole country.

And yes, we are kind of there. But they have improved a little bit. Ptople are looking for new career opportunities, getting married to people they actually like and dowry has changed into 'gifts'. The nature of arranged marriage has also changed, now the prospective bride and groom can talk to each other for a long period of time, decide whether they should get married to each other and then it happens. It's now more like a date, that is, instead of getting arranged by a dating app, is arranged by your own family.

[Guy13]

The guys I deal with are a Family REIT. Conservative and “don’t you lay your hands on me” type.. And they hate a Christian more than Muslim but loves 💰 💰💰 more SO they like the Christians…at least what this one can do for REIT.-Don’t get me wrong as I can cuss in Indian 🇮🇳 . I like them very much actually but their “views” are Caste-centered.

[Asker]

Well, I feel sad that you know an Indian family like that. However, merely a family can't represent a country as big as this. And Indians that live outside India have way more conservative and orthodox beliefs than the ones living in India. Indians love Muslims and Christians too, because there are Indian Muslims and Christians too.

[Guy13]

I know quite a few Indian 🇮🇳 folks where I live as well as competitive tennis 🎾 I taught one 40-45 year old, friend of REIT people, to play free at my club…
There are also two very attractive starting PhD students…. I know them fairly well as landlord and as off the toilet 🚽 tank water basin installer. Whatever that thing is that the Central Asians snd Muslims like to have installed on toilet 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Asker]

Yes, that's natural. We all have that.

[Guy13]

Goodnight. Really nice chatting with you 😎

[Asker]

Okay, thanks. It's morning here though.

[Guy13]

Yep. I work on 11-12 hour global time too. Have a great day

[FilmGuy93]

Maybe the introversion is interpreted as standoffishness.

[Asker]

Yes. I am tired of people telling me to 'open up' and be 'normal'.

[FilmGuy93]

Lol yeah, that would get annoying

[Asker]

Yes. It's like telling the extrovert to shut up.

[TwinFace]

Maybe u have a testing bish bish?
there's also one coworker i have who is extremely except with one other guy. He looks mean in general as i prev mentioned above so i never really talked to him til he tried to talk to me one day. Then i just started talking to him. By no means im not a shatty person so i would talk to anyone who talks to me so everyone is fiff.

[TwinFace]

I mean resting bish face* 🤣😂

[Paul_in_Indy]

People don’t “assume” that someone is rude. They respond to rude behavior. People can tell when you are rude to them.

[Asker]

It's really not like that. The very first month, I went to college nobody talked to me. Then I tried talking to them and they replied that they thought I was rude and arrogant the first day they saw me and had no idea that I could be this nice.

[Anonymous]

I don't know but you look cute and friendly..
Sorry for bad things happen to you ❤️

[Asker]

Thank you!

[LimitedBenefits101]

introverted people= creepy

[Asker]

More so if they are ugly like me.