Why is she avoiding me now?

[Anonymous]

I have a female coworker that I met when she started with the company about a year ago. From the first time we met, we got a long quite well. We're both in relationships (she mentioned her boyfriend in passing a few times) but there were also signs of mutual attraction though neither of us ever acted on it.

We talked daily, she always greeted me happily, there was strong eye contact, she frequently blushed when I was talking to her, we had inside jokes and gestures that we shared, there was teasing and good-natured ribbing and, especially in the last couple of months, we had increasingly deep conversations about things in life that matter to us.

Then, quite suddenly, things changed. She still greeted me every day but she was aloof when I tried talking with her. At first I chalked it up to her perhaps having something going on outside of work that was on he mind and didn't think much of it but this continued.

Finally I asked her if she had a problem with me. She said no. I pressed her a little and pointed out her distant behavior and she finally said "I don't want to have deep conversations anymore".

This surprised and saddened me because I genuinely enjoy her company and conversation. I asked why and she wouldn't give me a reason. I told her I unhappy about this but I would respect her request and I haven't spoken more than a dozen words to her sense and she largely avoids me though I still frequently notice her watching me.

What is a likely explanation for this? I haven't changed any of my behavior towards her and we were getting along very well. Right up until we weren't that is...

[Anonymous]

It's difficult to say for certain why your coworker has suddenly become distant and doesn't want to have deep conversations with you anymore. There could be a variety of reasons for her behavior, and it's important to respect her boundaries and not push her for an explanation if she is not comfortable sharing.

It's possible that something may have happened outside of work or in her personal life that has made her want to distance herself from you. It's also possible that she may have realized that her behavior towards you was inappropriate or could be misconstrued as romantic interest, and is now trying to put some distance between you to avoid any misunderstandings or complications.

Regardless of the reason, it's important to respect her boundaries and give her space. If she wants to talk to you or resume your previous level of friendship, she will likely reach out to you in her own time. In the meantime, try not to take her behavior personally and focus on maintaining a professional relationship at work.

[SueShe]

These signs of "mutual attraction" while both are in a relationship is probably what caused her to change the way she acted with you.

She realized that her behavior was inappropriate and perhaps that her boyfriend commented on her being too close to you.

She did the right thing by distancing herself from you because those "mutual attractions" are relationship killers. I am sure that you have contemplated what would happen to your own relationship if things were allowed to go further and you having even deeper conversation moving onto doubtful topics.

It is best for both of you that you revert to a coworker relation and not to something that could be leading to something that has negative consequences for your and her relationship with your respective partners.

It is never a good idea to get too close to work colleagues as situations develop that are not easy to control and will cause more problems than solve any.

[Asker]

So she's afraid that I'm going to damage her relationship somehow?

If so, I can appreciate that and respect the desire for distance.
Why can't she just say that? Just cutting someone off without explanation seems unnecessary.

[SueShe]

She will be the only person that could definitely give you an answer to your question. We here are just speculating as to her reasons.

Could be that she has remorse that she let herself be so light headed and to flirt with you and perhaps place her relationship in danger.

[califgirl02]

So... you're in a relationship but attracted to your coworker enough to mention it in your post? alr... but just imho, if you're still dating your girlfriend and you're not referring to her in your post as a past relationship you had when you met your coworker, you might want to reevaluate things. It doesn't sound like staying in the relationship is the right thing for either of you if you're this emotionally involved with a coworker you're *coincidentally* also attracted to.

As for why she stopped talking to you... maybe her boyfriend said your dynamic made him uncomfortable and she's respecting that, or maybe (depending on what your deep talks were actually about) she realized she was beginning to "emotionally cheat". Regardless of what caused it, it sounds like she had a pretty drastic change of heart.

[Asker]

Attracted, yes. Interested in her romantically? Eh... not really.

As I've gotten to know her I've reached the conclusion that, mutual attraction notwithstanding, we are probably too different to work as a couple even if that was an option but we could still be friends.

I asked my original question because I enjoy her company and would miss having her as a friend and would like to prevent that.

[In_Trance]

Get back to work before you get written up

[Anonymous]

She probably has other priorities.