Why would she tell me about her hookup?

[Anonymous]

I'm still friends with my ex and we talk a lot

We haven't been with anyone else before we dated

Recently she told me she met a soldier on the subway and they hooked up, when I asked for more details she was open but then she suddenly got shy and now she really doesn't want to talk about it

The soldier is gone by the way, he was deployed shortly after they hooked up

Why would she tell me about it and act this way? The way we were talking, and still are talking, it's almost like we could start dating again, so I don't understand

[Oliverlogan263]

That's a weird one man. Couple thoughts on why she might've told you about the hookup:

- Could be she still has feelings for you and was hoping you'd be jealous or want her back. Like rubbing it in your face a bit.

- Or she trusts you as an ex and friend so felt comfortable telling you, but then realized talking detail made it feel like cheating since you're not fully over each other.

- Maybe she misses the attention and connection you two had and letting you know what she's doing now is like a plea for you to step up?

- Some chicks are just blunt and overshare stuff like that without thinking how it'll come across.

- Possibly felt guilty afterwards and started backtracking since you're still kinda together emotionally if not physically.

I'd say it's putting you in an awkward spot since you're obviously still into her. Up to you if you wanna risk getting hurt going down that road again.

Might be better to have an honest convo about where you both really stand - just friends or could be more? Protect your heart either way bro. Good luck figuring it out!

[Asker]

It could be any of those or a combination! It's driving me a little crazy, I have all these mixed up feelings, it made me realize I definitely want her back though

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah dude I can understand how that would mess with your head. Having mixed feelings about an ex is the worst. A few thoughts:

- Definitely don't make any big moves yet while you're all confused. Take some time to sort your thoughts out.

- Maybe try chatting with her again in a few days and see if she opens up any more. Gauge how she acts - still flirty or more distant?

- You could ask casually what made her decide to share that hookup story. Watch her response closely - defensive or willing to explain?

- Don't just dive back in based on her maybe still wanting attention. Make sure you're really over the breakup first before getting hurt again.

- If she's interested too, take it real slow feeling things out. Go on some platonic hangouts before labeling it as dating again.

- And trust your gut man. If deep down it doesn't feel right anymore, listen to that. Better to stay friends than get your heart broken twice.

Try not to stress too much - you'll figure it out. Just protect yourself first before risking all those mixed feelings again ya know? Keep me posted how it goes bro!

[Asker]

I'll keep that in mind and take it slow, but she shuts down ANY questions I have about the hookup now

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man that's tough. I can see why you'd still be curious about the details, but pushing it with more questions is probably not gonna help your cause here.

Looks like you just gotta accept that she told you about it once and now doesn't want to relive it or something. Don't take it personally - I'm sure it was just a random thing for her anyway.

Your best bet is to let it go for now and focus on building the vibes back up between you two. Show her you're over it and not gonna let some random hook up dude come between you. When you're hanging out, just have fun and flirt like normal.

Don't force talking about feelings or the past. Let her come to you. In the meantime, keep doing your thing and she'll start to see why she liked you in the first place. This too shall pass bro, don't stress! Just play it cool and stay positive.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome man anytime

[ChicoFromThe305]

The real question is why are you sticking around? being friends with your ex is a terrible idea, she's either trying to get you jealous, or she's just bragging, seems somewhat disrespectful in my opinion if she knows y'all had a history.

[Asker]

I really like her personality, we broke up cause we moved away from eachother so it's not like it ended on bad terms

And yeah I can't figure out what one of those it is

[ChicoFromThe305]

Sounds troubling

[Asker]

Yeah it was really out of character, I was kinda shocked that she did this!

[ChicoFromThe305]

I don't know what to tell you bro

[Asker]

She won't even answer anymore questions I had about it, she keeps saying she doesn't wanna talk about it anymore

[ChicoFromThe305]

Sounds to me like she's trying to keep you in the loop, the more questions there is, the more you are interested and stick around

[Asker]

That's probably true, it's gotten me jealous and I've been thinking about the situation a lot since it happened, I'm surprised she opened herself up to this guy she barely knew cause she's normally really innocent!

[getwiththepg]

I think she was surprised about your reaction more about wanting to hear it then not which indicates that you aren’t crazy over her

[Asker]

So not wanting to hear about it would indicate I'm not crazy over her?

[getwiththepg]

Well yeah it showed that you aren’t jealous about it & could care less. If you said “I don’t want to hear about that” & argued about it, she would be able to see that you still have feelings hung up over her. By showing you don’t care, you subconsciously indicated that you would be fine without her and/or have other options. Like how are you asking her about it? In a serious way or in a playful haha funny story way?

[getwiththepg]

But if you say it made you jealous I’m assuming you were asking in a somewhat serious way

[Asker]

Kinda serious, I asked her like how it started and if they used protection, then like if it was good, did she enjoy giving herself to him, do they still talk, is it a one time thing, how many times they did it that night

I'm thinking I should probably tell her I'm jealous AF and wish it was me instead of him, I've been imagining the situation and it won't get out of my mind which is why I've asked her questions

[getwiththepg]

Telling her you’re jealous is a sure fire way to never have this girl again. Do not do that no matter how bad it is. Stop texting her and meet up with her. Get drinks, get loose & fuck her. You obviously fucked her before if you were dating her. Just do what you did before.

[getwiththepg]

& you shouldn’t have been that intrusive about it. This sounds like a dad talking to his daughter, not a man talking to his (ex) girlfriend.

[Asker]

That's a good idea, I'll just try doing that

It just sucks cause I keep picturing this dude smashing her so many times throughout the day, she really got under my skin with it

[getwiththepg]

If she’s not open to meeting up, move on.

[Asker]

We do hangout when we can, I haven't seen her since this happened but I could definitely meet her up, she'd be down to go out and do stuff, I've been really busy but she wants to hangout more often like we used to

[getwiththepg]

Then smashing her should be inevitable if you aren’t an eediot. Just get that liquid confidence in you & you both should loosen up. Just don’t be a moron by asking her about this situation again.

[Asker]

Yeah you're right, maybe her letting this dude nail her actually will lead into us getting back together cause it made me see how bad I want her lol

[getwiththepg]

Stop admitting things like that. Have a mindset that she is replaceable at any given moment. Women in this western world are thinking the exact same way.

[ChicoFromThe305]

I don't think him not being able to smash is the problem, I think her smashing other mfs is and even if he could smash, the thought of some other dude being balls deep in her is the problem, my best advice would be to move on from this person in general, because you surely can't forget, you have lingering emotions that you shouldn't have in this situation and the longer you stick around, the more it will pick at you, she already fucked someone else, at this point you can find another woman that's done the same but you can create a new connection with the person and her past has nothing to do with your present of that makes sense.

[ChicoFromThe305]

If that makes sense*

[Asker]

I guess you're right, this guy she hooked up with had that thought and I don't think she slept with him cause she wanted to date him

[Asker]

I'd like to try it out again and yeah it bothers me a bit but she was kinda passive about it, this guy was pushy and experienced, she kinda just let him in her house and things happened, she's not experienced so she basically just made out and stuff and when it got heated she laid down and opened her legs for him and that's as much as I know about the events

[ChicoFromThe305]

Sounds more to me like this other man took advantage of her heartbreak and managed to get some action, I'm not some manipulative asshole but manipulation is very easy, sadness, anxiety, depression, all these negative emotions can leave women in a weak point and in a naive mindset, mostly to women because women are very emotional creatures, this is why people take advantage of people that aren't in a good state of mind because is the opportunity some seek, if the guy was attractive and she was heartbroken, he throws some sweet talk and next thing you know, she's opening her legs, obviously this isn't for all women because some catch on to such behavior but when women get taken advantage of, most aren't in a proper state of mind or the person worded things to the point the other has convinced themselves into some fantasy that they self created that because the other lied, it lead to different results. My point is that weither she was manipulated or 'enjoying her freedom' the chances of her fucking someone else is there, save yourself the trouble and find yourself another woman, save yourself the time without the whole inspector gadget shit and replace her cause it seems like she surely did, let's not forget if y'all kept contact for so long it only seems like bad intentions for her to open up about that when she knows y'all were together at one point, it all seems like a game she's playing, personally I wouldve left her playing her little games by herself.

[Asker]

You could be right, she's very empathetic and when we were together she did everything she could to keep me happy in the relationship, emotionally and in the bedroom, and I could see this guy manipulating her cause he was shipping out soon and she's a very attractive woman, I know a lot of guys would want to slip it in if they had the chance, and she was probably lonely and thought it would make him feel better if she put out for him, and like I said she's not too experienced with these things

It sucks ending things since I still have feelings, admire her personality, and am still very attracted too, and I know she wants to get back together

[ChicoFromThe305]

Fucking someone else to get you back is a shitty way of showing her feelings towards you, my opinion would be, don't crawl back to her, there better women out there and yea I know you feel like she is the best because when you have feelings for someone, it always feels that way, if y'all like each other still then if y'all think y'all can make it work then what can I say, by all means, the decision is yours bro.

[Asker]

Thanks, she did say she won't be hooking up with that guy again and that she regrets it, I'm thinking she's a little embarrassed by it and feels kinda used

[ChicoFromThe305]

Well whatever it may be, it happened and if you think you are willing to put that situation in the past then I wish you well bro

[Asker]

Thank you, it hasn't made me see her as any less, it's just something that came as a big surprise but she was single when it happened, at least the soldier got something really special lol

[getwiththepg]

I actually abhor the way you are talking right now. Ignore my previous advice about trying to meet her. Just move on & find someone new with a clean slate. Too much baggage to go back to. But before you go back to dating hit the gym & get some confidence man. I’m getting simp vibes from you dawg. That ain’t player.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Yep hopefully it doesn't lead to the comparison, if she blabbed that out I wouldn't be surprised if she starts comparing experience and whatnot if she gets too comfortable or you just being curious enough to ask and she replies, let's also not forget if he did it better, pleasing her now probably became a much harder situation for you, there's many other things that can be effective to your mental health because she committed that act, personally I know it's something I wouldn't be able to just move past, it would rub me off wrong, but I hope things work out for you, I just honestly don't believe it will lol

[Asker]

That's true, we've only been with eachother before this so it does change things a bit : / I wish she was more open about it

[ChicoFromThe305]

No you don't bro, trust me, it's just details that will probably make things worse 😂

[getwiththepg]

@ChicoFromThe305 For real. OP do you even hear yourself right now? Please move on. This is not good for your mentals.

[Asker]

Maybe you're right lol this situation makes me feel like I should try to get her back before another guy gets his chance to slip in

She's conventionally attractive, she has a very slim build but still has all the right curves, and a gorgeous face and very classy style, I know guys like her and will try to get into her pants

[ChicoFromThe305]

No lie, no man with dignity would want to hear that shit, I think moving on is the best solution but if you think you can give it a go with this knowledge then at your own risk type of thing I guess

[Asker]

Well I'll see how it goes I guess, if she wants to get back together

[getwiththepg]

Sounds like your mind is already made up. Good luck. But I wouldn’t try to get back with her so sudden. I’d just try to stir her insides.

[Asker]

@getwiththepg what do you mean? Like have sex first?

[getwiththepg]

Yup exactly

[Asker]

@getwiththepg she'd definitely be willing to hookup with me, we've hooked up a few times while we were broken up

[getwiththepg]

I’d leave it at that. Keep smashing but let her ask what you guys are first so that the ball is in your court. Always remember that the first one that gets emotional loses.

[Asker]

@getwiththepg I'm just worried she might start seeing someone else I'd I don't make sure she's mine again

[HollyK21]

Sounds like you have different expectations than your ex. On your end you hope that staying connected will lead to getting back together but she may not have that in mind at all. I don't know what circumstances caused you to split up but if that’s still a factor then it can contribute to why she isn’t interested in a relationship anymore. In fact I think she mentioned this other guy just as a reminder that she’s doing her own thing and so you won’t be misled. If she’s also noticed that your conversations are suggestive sometimes, she may not want to give you the wrong idea. Sorry if you’re disappointed but if anything I think this shows that you aren’t over her and don’t want only friendship, you are in no position right now to give her romantic advice or listen to these stories. It’s just too soon.

[Asker]

Well we've been broken up for awhile and she acts interested and says she misses me, I think maybe I've been the one acting like I'm not interested cause I'm too busy to hangout with her regularly and she wants to, this hookup she had came out of nowhere so it really surprised me

[HollyK21]

It’s possible she enjoys the flirtation and attention but doesn’t want anything outside of that. Like if you were to date again, what would be different?

[Asker]

Well we broke up cause we moved away from eachother so it wasn't a messy ending

I'd give her more attention/focus and try way harder to be a good boyfriend to her, and I'd try my best to be more open about my emotions and thoughts, and I'd be more willing to do stuff outside my comfort zone

[Asker]

I know you said I have no right to the story about her and the soldier she met in transit but it keeps popping up in my mind, it feels like a bunch of my emotions get mixed up in a blender everytime I think of it

[HollyK21]

That plan can cover a certain amount of the emotional aspect, but what about seeing each other? Moving closer to one another? An LDR is meant to be a short-term solution until you can be together in person, so without the silver lining, being able to look forward to seeing and/or living with each other, it becomes almost like a fantasy relationship. Also, when I said you are in no position to give her advice on these things, I don’t mean it’s not your right, I’m talking about emotionally. It can be absolutely heartbreaking basically trying to advise your ex on how to move on when you’re still holding on to hope. You’re not ready to be that person for her right now.

[Asker]

We do live in the same city now thankfully, so that's doable, I agree that LDR are a fantasy relationship

She seems interested in getting back together, she's been constantly asking to hangout more and we've been emotionally close whenever we do, we sit close and cuddle when we watch something on the TV

Ahh I get you about it, I've been thinking about it a lot, I think I'm kinda shocked that she did something so out of character, she's usually really innocent and before this we've been the only two partners in our lives, so it took me by surprise that she met someone so suddenly and got physically intimate with him so shortly after they met, I've been wondering about what made her want to do this with him so badly, what kind of guy he is, if it was a positive experience for her, and so many other thoughts