How to know if she truly loves me or she is just using me for now until her crush/her ex give her some attention?

[Anonymous]

I met this girl on a dating app, and we've been seeing each other for about 3 months. We recently entered into a relationship. It's worth mentioning that she was the one who gave me her number, expressed her liking and love first. She's the one pursuing me, which I find a bit strange. She also notices and remembers small things, and I can feel her special treatment as my girlfriend. The chemistry and intimacy are there.

She mentioned that she doesn't like most guys she meets and doesn't talk to any. Her Instagram account is private with no photos, and she has around 70 followers.

What made me question her love was a silly moment where we discussed kids. I mentioned wanting to name my child Janis, and her reaction was, "Oh no, this can't happen." When asked why, I explained.

The issue arose as I looked at her followers list to find her best friend on Instagram. I noticed she follows a guy named Janis on two of his accounts— one super private and one open to the public. He follows her back. Checking his public profile, I observed that he is similar to her, shares many hobbies, and is in good shape.

By the way, I'm not an insurance person but I just want to know if my worries are valid or if I'm overthinking. and yah we currently in a long distance relationship

[Oliverlogan263]

Ay man, that Janis situation definitely sounds sus. Following a dude on two different accounts like that, seems like she's got some real feels for this guy still. Not a good look for sure.

I get why you'd be questioning if she really wants you, or if she's just using you til Janis comes around again or something. Long distance doesn't help build trust either.

A few things I'd suggest:

- Ask her straight up about Janis. Be chill about it but say you noticed the social media stuff and want an explanation. Pay attention to how she reacts.

- See if any of her convos with you ever mention him or anything ex related. Could give you more context.

- Look for other signs she might still have lingering feelings - listening to sad songs bout lost love or whatever.

- Really think if she's as into you as she says. Do her actions match her words, or is she half-assing the relationship?

If she can't give you a clear answer without getting defensive, I'd be skeptical bro. Protect your energy first. But talk to her, see how it feels from there before making any moves. Always trust your gut! Keep me posted on what goes down.

[Asker]

first thanks for ur helpful comment.
the problem, i dont know how to go for it. it sound so insecure and lifeless behavior someone to check someones followers list.

[Oliverlogan263]

You've got a point man, checking her followers list does seem kinda insecure and lame. Here's what I would do instead:

The next time you're talking to her on video chat or something, casually mention that Janis guy. Be like "Oh hey, weren't you telling me about your friend Janis the other day? What's he up to these days?" Try to act casual like you barely remember the name.

Pay attention to her reaction. Does she light up talking about him? Give short answers? Change the subject quick? Her response will tell you a lot.

You could also bring him up in a joking way. "Haha you better not still have a thing for that Janis dude." See how she takes the joke. If she gets all serious and defensive, red flag.

Another option is asking more general questions about past relationships. Like "So you dated much before we met?" Get a sense of whether this Janis guy was just a friend or more without directly asking about him.

The key is to feel it out subtly without directly accusing or coming across as insecure. With some casual conversation you can get the info you need without checking followers lists, you know? Just play it cool and pay attention to her reactions. Hope this helps gives you another angle to approach it from, bro!

[Asker]

u got a point there. So the right reaction of her, should be openly talking about him? and say way it is?

and what does it means if she react in a negative way?

u helped me a lot so one last question how should I react when her reaction is bad and how should I react if it was good and she was openly explaining her self?

[Oliverlogan263]

If she reacts openly and explains the situation clearly, that's a really good sign dude. It shows she values honesty and has nothing to hide. I'd say thank her for opening up and reassure her that you just want clarity so you both know where you stand. Ask follow up questions respectfully if needed.

If her reaction is negative, defensive or she dodges the question, that's a red flag. It likely means she still has unresolved feelings or something shady is up. In that case, I'd say something like "look, I care about us but I need the truth to feel comfortable moving forward. If you can't be straight with me, I don't know if I can trust this relationship."

Give her a chance to come clean. But be prepared to walk away if she keeps lying or hiding things. You don't wanna be strung along not knowing what's real. Your gut is probably right if she acts sketchy. Protect your heart first bro. Let me know how the talk goes!

[Asker]

well the kids conversation came up again and i asked her about janis. first she said she really doesn't want to talk about it. then i insisted and i properly was little emotional. so
its her 4 years friend that she went in one week in relationship with him or dated. then she broke up with him because she didn't feel that its right. and she wanted to be friends again but apparently he didn't accepted that and kept pursuing her. She said she doesn't have feelings for him and dont get the idea that i am leaving him as an option
Also she didn't tell me because he did bad things to her that made her regret trusting him or she found out that he is bad person when he did it.

and then in subtle way i ask if she still in any contact with him and she said yes that she follows him on instagram (she didn't hide it) and apologies for being stupid. she also apologised for not telling me in the first place and dodging the question.

but i dont if i replied to her in right way but this what i said.
i said: you know this is a big flag for me and i usually just broke with a girl if it happens, but because you showed so much feeling and you are putting effort in this relationship i will give you the benefit of the doubt, but its only depends on how you will handle the situation for now on.

she said that she will unfollow him and she was stupid for not telling me and was apologising all the time.

what do u think?
should i try to get details about the situation?

[Oliverlogan263]

Ay yo, that Janis situation sounds messy bro. But I think you handled it pretty well so far.

A few things stood out to me:

- Props for insisting on getting answers when she didn't want to talk. That shows you cared enough to get to the bottom of it.

- Her explanation about their short relationship and him still trying to pursue her seems reasonable. As long as she's not still hung up on him.

- Major respect for being straight up about it being a red flag. Takes balls to lay it out there.

- Her unfollowing him and apologizing shows she wants to gain your trust back. That's a good sign.

At this point, I'd let it be for now unless you notice other weird signs. She already explained the basics. Getting more details could come across as jealous or insecure.

Just chill and see how she acts from here - if she's really cut him off or still sneaking around. Over time you'll know if it was legit or not.

For now, enjoy getting to know each other better without that drama looming. If she stays consistent, you know you can trust her word. But trust your gut dude - drop her fast if she slips up again!

You got this bro. Play it cool from here on out and stay focused on each other. Let me know how it goes!

[Asker]

Hey man, first thanks for your help, you gave me certainty with what I am doing.
So I still have one more question for you.
see, she still follows the guy after saying that she will unfollow him. I mean, the talk happened yesterday morning, which mean it's been like two days ago and to be fair she doesn't use Instagram that often, and she only has it on her laptop
We are also back to normal now, and I didn't go distant because of the problem.

Should I causally remind her in like 2 to 3 days or should I take the L or should I get mad at her for undervaluing the "understanding" position that I gave her and tell her Straith up go unfollow him

Till that, I am thinking about not reminding her to see if she will do it on her own.

[Oliverlogan263]

Hmm ayt man, that's a tricky one. Here's what I would do:

I wouldn't say anything yet or bring it up again for at least another week. Play it cool like you trust her word.

The main reason is if you keep bugging her about it, she'll just feel pressured and get defensive. Then she might not unfollow him out of spite.

What I would casually do is check her Instagram followers occasionally over the next week or so when you're together. See if she unfollowed him yet or not.

If after a week she still hasn't, THEN calmly bring it up. Something like "Hey I noticed Janis is still following you on Insta. Just wanted to check in on that again."

Gauge her reaction. If she gets upset, you'll know she's hiding something. But hopefully she apologizes and unfollows him right then.

Just play it smooth and don't stress too much about it. Give her a chance to prove herself without you nagging. But don't let her get away with breaking promises either. Balance is key here bro.

Hope this helps! Trust but verify - stay chill but pay attention too. Let me know how it goes!

[Mr_twoface]

For all we know is that Janis just another bloke she is instagram friends with. Even if the they hooked up or someone she wants to hook up with, she seems to be treating you as a girlfriend should. Don't jump into conclusions! When you explained why you wanted the name, what was her reply to not wanting it? If she did't respond... ask her. Allow her to explain herself. Maybe you will hear about the real Janis. Look at her body language and if your gut tells you something is off, tell her about it and talk it through.

Last thing you want to come across is a jelouse bloke who goes through her instagram friends to find reasons for insecurity. Then its over and you have to start from scratch.

[Asker]

i am looking for a way to not sound like a jealous bloke!

[Mr_twoface]

You can't go on with being insecure in this relationship. I would suggest you search on google, questions to ask a partner, and pick those you believe might ease your insecurity. Maybe questions which is related to social media and previous relationships and then do it with her. I went through perhaps 1000 questions with my wife and it has helped us a lot, not only to get to know each other on deeper meaningful levels, but also grow together. I've used questions also in the past for ex's and it has helped.

Sometimes people get into a relationship without talking about things which can affect both, such as previous relationships, sex and/or finance, and later on they will figure out they aren't compatible.

[Anonymous]

Oh, you poor boy, dating apps, Instagram, and crushes?

You have a lot of growing up to do.

[Asker]

hahaha says the one who is 33 years old. u got so much time in ur hands grandma

[jaskin777]

She hiding something from u and yes I think she is using u
Break up with her

[Asker]

why do you think that?

[jaskin777]

Because I. Do
Why the fuck she want to make that stupid ass comment when u mentioned Janis name

[Anonymous]

I would be a little concerned too. I’d like to know why she said no to that name? Second how long have the two of them been separated? What is her reason for following him? Does she interact w him on a daily basis or at least numerous times throughout the week? A lot of times a man will keep in contact w an ex because there’s a chance of still getting between her legs or even a blowjob. Women tend to do it because they still have feelings for their ex. I’ve read so many post on this forum about women keeping in contact w their ex because they want to check up on him to see how he’s doing. If he’s ok. Wondering if they should still send him a birthday gift, etc. Last who broke up w who? Chances are if he broke up w her she still has feelings for him, to which things could potentially lead to getting back together if he wanted to. Also if she broke up w him chances are he still has feelings for her. So he may continue to pursue her.

[KrakenAttackin]

Janis is the guy she really wants, and he has likely banged her a few times, but he was too Chad for her to hold onto him.