I lost my dignity chasing after her?

[Anonymous]

So I've been getting really hot and cold treatment from this woman for years, yet I kept going back to her one way or the other. She takes me to the moon in how special she treats me, then suddenly she barely responds to my texts if she does in the first place and deletes the whole text conversation from both sides making it as if I don't exist. Now I'm really hurt and I feel like I had done something bad for my self-respect and continued tolerating her behavior and go on to repeat the same mistake. I have made progress once with a full year of no contact and I stumbled upon something that made me reach out to her and destroy all that hard work of no contact for a full year. How do I gain my self-respect and dignity back after chasing this woman for so long? She gives me such sweet talk enough for me to stick around and then drop me like a hot potato. It hurts so much! I know she doesn't care about me it doesn't matter what she says it's her actions that speak. And now I texted her yesterday and she didn't reply. Now I'm pissed at myself for this wasted time and all the chasing I've done... I wanna cry...

[Summeroflove]

This is how narcissists act at best. You need to stop going back to her. Stop thinking she isn’t going to kick the football and you’re not going to fall flat on your ass.

There is a LOT of other women out there. If she won’t even respond to you and she’s too much of a coward to just respond and say hey I’m not interested anymore or she needs a break. She isn’t worth your time.

I get it man, it can be hard sometimes. You think maybe there is a chance. Maybe she changed. Maybe there is this whole fantasy you created in your head.

Let her find someone she deserves. They can make one another miserable while you find someone better. Someone who has something to offer…. In the long term

[Asker]

You're totally right man.

[Summeroflove]

It can be a hard pill to swallow. Some people just aren’t worth it. Even if they seem great again to lure you back in.

You can forgive them. Feel bad for them. But don’t have to allow them back into your life

[Asker]

You know maybe it's just me, but there's always a thread that I cling to. You know like what ifs and doubts which keep me hung me and they keep me second guessing myself which is why a nice clear rejection would settle it for me. Instead of her making excuses constantly or giving vague responses. You know sometimes I think that a clear rejection early on is better than later. Like last time we spoke she started being mad because of how little I speak with her when in reality she won't even allow me to call her. It's stupid. I should've left long ago and now I hate that feeling that I disrespected myself like that by trying with her for that long. I can't even trust myself at this point because I've said that I won't reach out to her in the past, and I did well for a year while working on improving myself, but I ended up breaking no contact after a year. Even though I met a few women during this time, they were all failures.

[Summeroflove]

A clear rejection IS best. Unfortunately some people are cowards and will play these games or get mad over something but do the same thing to you.

If someone isn’t clear if they are accepting or rejecting or maybe they legitimately want some time to think on it. Leave them alone. The ball is in their court if they want you they know where to find you

[Summeroflove]

If someone isn’t clear about if they’re saying yes or no. It’s best to simply move on. Find someone who will be clear with you. Not wasting your time on those people.

I

If some of them get mad when you find someone else. They had their chance

[Asker]

Man, I had a text conversation with her in which she took ages to reply (It's usually either that or she's super enthusiastic) in which I asked her to talk and she kept giving me vague and short replies taking ages in between. Like I'm asking her to talk now and she says something like we will. I was upset, so I told her: it means you’re not into it. So forget it.
She then tells me that I made that decision and I told her that she did and explained everything but she just didn't even bother to give ANY explanation and just wished me the best. I wished her the best too and she deleted the chat right away. That was that.
It honestly left me in pain that I couldn't sleep. Like it's so weird... Like more than a week ago we used to speak on the phone for hours... I wanted to cry but I couldn't.

[Summeroflove]

Well. Allow yourself to grieve. Move on from her. Obviously she isn’t the one and why would you want someone who treats you like that anyways

[Asker]

Any tips on how to process the sad emotions? Like if I feel like crying but I can't

[Summeroflove]

Do you try to cry but not tears come out? Or are you holding them back.

Try talking to a mental health professional. Sometimes you can get professional help to help guide you through things and it’s confidential so nobody needs to know.

Another thing is if you happen to have safe people or a safe person. Who you can vent to and show emotions

[Asker]

Yeah, I try to cry but nothing comes out. I'm not holding them back.
I do have one but he's probably tired of hearing about her... He keeps telling me to never reach out to her.

[Summeroflove]

I get how you feel and I’m sorry about that. It can be hard to and he’s right to not reach out to her.

Sometimes finding someone whose worth their salt and a right fit for you can take time.

Had one therapist tell my sister she was too anxious around her… When thafs the whole reason she was theren

[Asker]

Sorry for the late reply, I eventually almost got over her. But she still shows up on my mind from time to time. She actually blocked me about 5 months ago. She then unblocked and then blocked me twice during that time and then after some time unblocked me. It doesn't matter. Anyway, when I said "I have one" I meant a friend not a therapist. She still creeps into my mind from time to time-, and that happened today where a thought came up and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I really felt like crying...

[Summeroflove]

It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to think about her. But you’re moving on and will eventually find someone better. If she blocked you move on maybe she’s thinking about you and regrets her decisions. She doesn’t regret hurting you she just misses it for herself. How she felt. What she gained. The list goes on. Who knows. It’s her problem now.

You learned what to look out for in a relationship

[Asker]

She blocked me yeah. She used to show me interest and then abandons me. I dragged myself in this cycle so many times for years. So you could say it is my fault. I just want to cry because despite how poorly she treated me, this is the closest I've had to a relationship. The closest I've had to a relationship is with someone who treated me like shit. She only allowed me to talk and then we'd talk for hours and then she just disappears and doesn't let me call her again. That's why I wanna cry because why is this the best I could do? You know what I mean? It made me question my value 😭😭😭

[Asker]

She used to just use me for her own enjoyment and then leave me. She never cared 😢☹️

[Asker]

What really hurts is that no one showed me what it's like to be loved romantically... Because of that, I don't know what that looks like 😭
And so I view in terms of degrees of interest... Not love. And that hurts

[bobalife]

I am so sorry... it really does hurt, dont be too hard on yourself because you can't help who you like or fall for... sometimes, we just get so blinded with our feelings and not sure what to do once they make contact after all those hot/cold treatment. I have a similar situation in a way, so I get it. Maybe you need to put boundaries with yourself... take some space to reflect... and ask yourself if you're ready to move on? want to move on? Maybe its time to block her. If you can't block her, then, try not to reach out nor reply to her anymore if you feel like all she did was waste your time and she's not good for you. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself heal~

There's a lot of great women out there who'd appreciate someone such as you who means well :)

[Asker]

Thanks a lot for your kind words.
The problem is that for nearly 4 years, every time she does something to hurt me, I tell myself I'm not reaching out to her anymore. And after a couple of months, I break that promise that I made to myself that I no longer feel that I could trust it if I say it, you know? No matter how hurt I feel.
Like yesterday after that last text interaction, I could barely sleep. I felt like crying but I couldn't cause I was supposed to sleep and it was my bed time. I still feel like crap. I question whether I did something wrong... And sometimes I overthink my interactions with her and it drives me nuts.

[bobalife]

May I ask what does she do to hurt you?

[Asker]

So lots of things because I've known her for a long time so we have a history together, but mainly, she's just hot and cold. Back in the day when I used to see her in college and over text as well. In college she used shower me with compliments to get my attention. Especially over text. I'm middle eastern so dating is normally frowned upon but it does happen so I can't meet her. Meeting her is a not an option. So I have to settle for phone calls and texting. Except she doesn't give me her number and says she doesn't give it to anyone. Which is fine as she may be conservative with that, but here's the thing: I text her she's amazingly engaging and enthusiastic and then I call her and she's even more engaging like it makes me feel so good, and then I text her next for instance and it's the COMPLETE opposite. She uses short replies, taking ages in between and worst of all, she deletes our texts from both sides (on Telegram) and I'm left hurt and I go no contact. Then I text her after months or last time a full year and the same thing happens all over again.

[Asker]

Like think about it this way, she let's us discuss marriage and potential kids and then the next day barely responds to my texts and doesn't give me any explanation or gives a silly one.

[bobalife]

What does her not texting you for “ages” mean.. like one day, one week, 1 month?

[bobalife]

When you say she deletes your conv, is it like you guys had a normal conv and then she does that? Or did you guys had arguments, heated talks, tensions and then she deleted it?

[Asker]

Last time, she didn't even allow me to call her. Like I asked her for a call and she said something vague like we will. And then doesn't follow up on it. I finally told her it means you’re not into it so forget it *her name* and then she responds hours later saying that I made that I made that decision!!!
Like WTF?
Then i explained things to her and told her how she's the one who decided that and then she doesn't even reply to that and just wishes me the best. 🥺😢😭😭

[bobalife]

So you said that’s the last time but what do you mean generally by “ages” in time between? Like I wasn’t sure if you’re just not giving her space or she is just taking way too long…

But either way, it sounds like she’s immature, there’s poor communication between you guys (you guys aren’t able to have healthy communication and problem solve properly), and she’s hiding something since it’s odd she deletes conversation time to time. But it doesn’t sound healthy and it’s best to move on at this point. I’m sorry…

[Asker]

Okay, so normally when she's acting normal it would take her mins to reply if not immediately. However, when she's acting strange, it would usually be hours. Like last time, she replied within a day. She didn't always do that deleting messages thing, but lately it's been happening a lot. I don't know what to make of that, but I know that her family is conservative in that respect so I thought that maybe she just overthinks our conversation and doesn't want anything to be seen you know? Which is why I was okay with it. And by the way she doesn't delete them mid conversation, it's either after the conversation is over, or a few days later.

I am giving her space and what's strange is that she tells me almost everything in her life. And when we call she wants me to stay and talk to her for longgg, like hours non-stop. And she's very engaging.

I'll tell you how it usually goes, she let's me call her or when she wants me to call her, she doesn't say it she just starts to show me so much interest that makes it obvious she wants more than texting and then we'd call and it's AMAZING and a lot of fun we even discuss marriage 'cause I told her I want to marry her. But I currently have goals that I want to achieve before thinking of marriage. Let's say next day comes up and I talk to her. She's the total opposite. It would take her hours to reply with short replies. Like one time I ask her how are you and she answers with three words and doesn't even ask the question back. So yeah. But one thing to note is that she NEVER ignored any message I sent her and never blcoked me.

[Asker]

I only wish she communicated more about her behavior.

[bobalife]

This is why I asked what does “ages” indicate lol. I hope you know that if someone takes hours or one day to reply is normal lol especially if they need space or not in a great mood. Anybody who hears that the person they like and who they’ve been talking to for years is still sayin they’re not ready for a relationship is pretty hurtful/disappointing. Instead of being impulsive saying things to end when you both don’t mean it… just be open and allow her to talk to you being caring and curious. Sure it sucks to feel like you’re waiting hours or a day, but you can’t make her feel bad about it when you’re not willingly to even called you guys official and it’s healthy to have space. You’re not her boyfriend. It’s something you need to reflect on, if you wanna be her man. Then make it happen and reassure her. But if you’re not ready for a relationship, then let her find someone who’s willingly to commit and called it official.

The deleting conv is still weird, but you can ask her if you’re able to talk on phone.

I hope you can reflect on both of your communication, behaviors, and time/emotional investment.

[Asker]

I did tell her how I feel Bobalife, I ensured that she knows my intentions quite clearly! In fact, I even told her that I miss her that she's special to me and all that, but the only thing I get from her is that she's unsure how she feels about me. I told her I want to marry her, but she won't give me a chance to continue talking to her regularly. After two or three times, she just starts acting strange like I mentioned. What's worse, is that last time I tried calling her (mind you she doesn't allow me to call her on the app unless she agrees via text) she didn't reply and then I told her I just thought we could have a phone call and talk at the time that she didn't reply and guess what her reply was... It was simply two words "It's alright" and that's it!!!
And then that's when I asked her to allow me to call her sp that I could call her regularly as soon as possible and then she continued replying in a cold manner and she still didn't agree to talk giving me vague responses. It was clear to me she didn't want to talk to me. So I said look, you didn't allow me to call you it means you don't wanna talk so forget about it.
If that isn't the action of someone who's clearly not interested, then I don't know what is. She broke my heart more times than I can count and I still gave her chances and it's all my fault for giving someone like her that many chances. Someone who's so hot and cold who treats me like that doesn't deserve a place in my heart.

[bobalife]

Tbh I’m confuse why you would propose marriage to this girl when you haven’t even made it official? it’s going ahead when there’s no relationship establish after four long years… but other than that I don’t think she’s happy about the circumstance or she has another guy on the side because she’s inconsistent.

I think you may try to be patient to make it official if you’re ready where you can talk to her calmly and not just end things cuz you’re upset by her communication and you guys can work on better communication.

Or best to move on, you’re only hurting yourself lingering on.

[Asker]

First of all, where I'm from that's how it works. Like I said, I'm from the middle east and it's like that that you can't date a girl for the most part it is frowned upon. So I can't ask her for a relationship long distance and it's not gonna work. I told her that marriage is my intention but she said that her family is demanding. Like they demand that I have a house for her. So yeah, it's materialistic. That's how it works where I'm from.

[bobalife]

Oh no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be culturally insensitive… 😔 I didn’t think you were still living there, but yeah I get it… hmmm I don't know I’m so sorry it sounds like it might be better to move on in my opinion. I just think there’s lot of bad communication between you two? It’s not healthy… you both have a lot to grow in that area… and I feel like you’re hurting yourself 🥺 you both deserved to be happy and I don’t feel like this girl is making you happy… maybe try to let it be, let yourself heal for once and then move on. I know it’s so much easier said than done cuz it has been 4 years, but when someone isn’t willingly to try… don’t hurt yourself deeper by digging that hole 😔 trust me, I get it… but you just gotta embrace it… and let yourself heal from everything…

[Asker]

As far as communication is concerned, she really just doesn't communicate at all about the issue. Like I already explained to her the problem and I how she wouldn't allow me to call her and that it's been 3 days since I asked her and she did absolutely nothing about it, she simply replied with I wish you the best.(with my goal) and that's it. She didn't even bother to make an excuse!!! Just simply I wish you the best and that's it. Think of how that made me feel!! Like crap! So she doesn't deserve the attention I gave her when she won't even tell me why she acts like this.

[bobalife]

Trust me, I totally get it… a lot of times people decide to be petty and short… she’s not really happy about yalls.. nor is you… I think you just gotta let it go.. if you don’t, you’re gonna drive yourself insane with heart break because she’s not gonna try… and we can’t make anyone try when they don’t wanna or wanna grow… so you only have control for yourself and gotta do whats best for you and the next girl.

But if you truly wanna keep fighting for her is up to you, just know that’s how she’s gonna communicate and you gotta be patient and just not end things again knowing what’s her typical responses. I don’t have any advice anymore for that decision if you wanna go that route. But it’s gonna be a hard road if you wish to do so.

[Asker]

No, you weren't culturally insensitive! In fact, I myself don't really like how things are here when it comes to mating. I wish my society was a little more open and okay about dating and men and women getting to know each other here becomes a thing. Like here, if I wanna meet outside of traditional marriage, it's limited to situations like work friends, colleagues, etc. Some women are okay with going out with men (I did it before) but sometimes they either don't tell their parents, they do it in groups, or it's usually like I mentioned, situation based. Some girls are totally closed off when it comes to that.
Anyway, about the girl, no. I don't want to continue with her again, unless she reaches out and explains her behavior. Why would I? Like I gave her soooo many chances and she managed to hurt me every time! Like she would be super excited to talk to me and she wants to continue talking to me on the phone for hours and then out of nowhere she'd drop me and treat me like sh** for no reason whatsoever. In fact, what hurts most is that I asked her for something so simple like being able to call her and she's willing to sacrifice my entire relationship with her rather than explain why she's giving vague responses and refusing to let me call her afterwards. So I disrespected myself a lot by trying with her. I want to trust myself and say that I would never reach out to her again, but I said this before and I ended up breaking that promise to myself after a year. 🥺🥺

[Tharithi]

U are chasing like a wuss femboi. Be a man take her to a date. Ask her with a ring. Useless pig

[Summeroflove]

This is why any decent man doesn’t want to date you. I know you’re probably bitter with men in general. Because the type of man you want don’t typically choose you.

I know you’ll go off about how you can have standards. Absolutely! But so can men…. And top tier men don’t typically want entitled, sexist, whiney, ungrateful women

[BoopBoopBeep]

Bro there's 4 billion women out there nobody is worth all this shite. Never chase.

[Asker]

So true