A girl he messed around with messaged me on instagram?

[Anonymous]

A girl he was messing around with a few months ago messaged me yesterday and not a “watch out for him girl!!” She was asking me if we’d been seeing eachother and when we started seeing eachother and she was telling me how he “played” her. I didn’t have the heart to tell her girl he didn’t play you, he just wasn’t that into you… I don’t know I feel so bad for her because he obviously hurt her but knowing how he is I don’t think he did it intentionally, I think he liked her for a hot minute then was like yeah no, I’m good and didn’t have the heart to tell her he wasn’t into her. Is this a red flag on his part or is she just a crazy ex that is having a hard time accepting the reality?

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh sis, that's never a fun situation to be in. On the one hand, sounds like dummy boy maybe didn't make his intentions super clear with her and now she's heartbroken. But at the same time, some girls do tend to come at the new girl hard trying to stir up drama too!

I'd say trust your gut on this one - you know him best at this point. But here are a few things I would think about:

- How has he treated YOU so far? Does he seem honest about just wanting to see where things go?

- Were there any other girls he briefly talked to around the same time that also felt led on? Pattern = red flag.

- When you asked him about it, did he try to trash talk her back or take any accountability for mixed signals?

- Has he given you any legit reasons not to believe he'd do the same thing? Or are his words and actions adding up?

Girl, I ain't saying dump him. But I would just be cautious not to get too invested until he's proven he's really about you long term, ya feel? Keep an eye out for other behaviors that don't sit right. Hope it works out but watch your back! You deserve someone real.

[Asker]

This is a really great response and i appreciate you responding in detail, I am going to answer some of these question you asked

- How has he treated YOU so far? Does he seem honest about just wanting to see where things go?
I directly asked him last week what his intentions were, he said he isn’t ready to 100% jump into a committed relationship right off the bat (fair enter am I, I was clear from the get go about that) and that he likes me and thinks of me often. (Maybe a BS excuse to keep me around but still)

- Were there any other girls he briefly talked to around the same time that also felt led on? Pattern = red flag.
As far as I no, no other girls

- When you asked him about it, did he try to trash talk her back or take any accountability for mixed signals?
Surprisingly I did not ask him about her! He told me about her openly, and said he liked her and she got really crazy after they had sex and called him a bunch and called him a POS, but then admitted he may have messed up and shouldn’t have slept with her to begin with knowing the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and the feelings were not mutal on his side.

- Has he given you any legit reasons not to believe he'd do the same thing? Or are his words and actions adding up?
Not sure honestly we both agreed let’s just be friends and see where things go (my suggestion), we hung out Friday and we were drinking with his work buddies at a baseball game and he told me (while drunk) I suggest we have sex, he said he didn’t want to yet, because he likes me a lot and he knows if we have sex then he would cut ties and he doesn’t want that as he wants me in his life. So I respected that and let the topic go because I feel the same for him.

[Oliverlogan263]

Okay, based on all that additional context, I think the situation is a bit more nuanced than just a simple red flag. A few thoughts:

- It's good that he was upfront about not being ready for something serious right away. As long as you were also clear on that, taking things slow seems fair.

- Him openly telling you about this other girl and admitting he messed up the situation shows a level of honesty and accountability, rather than just blaming her. That's a plus.

- Them sleeping together so soon and her reaction makes it sound like she definitely caught stronger feelings faster than he did. So her messaging you now seems like she's still not over it.

- Him saying he wants to keep seeing you and worry cutting ties if you slept together yet shows he is thinking about not repeating past mistakes.

I'd say give it more time to see how he continues acting. Keep communication open and see if his words match his actions. Probably no need to fully write him off yet, but stay mindful in case mixed signals creep up. He seems willing to learn, just make sure you guard your heart too. Keep me posted if anything else happens - would be good to get another guy's take!

[teamvic]

I mean, if she doesn't know why how can it be her fault

If anything he's the red flag. But only if he loses feelings for this hypothetical new girl

Cause then he gonna do the same shit

[DishLady]

So… you’ve had your fair warning. It’s up to you to continue or cut out.

[Asker]

Im a firm believer there’s two sides to every story. His side was they got intimate and she got kinda crazy and called him and bunch and texted him a bunch, her side is they got intimate and he ghosted her…and then there’s always the truth. Which is, he liked her. They had sex, probably there was no connection, he didn’t have the balls to tell her “thanks but I’m not interested “ she got anxious and clingy and it pushed him away more, and now she’s hurt.

[DishLady]

Ok so stay on the rollercoaster but brace yourself, which is what that other person is also telling you. Choosing to ignore the advice is up to you.

[Asker]

She wasn’t giving me advice lady 😂 she was asking if we’ve been seeing each other to gain clarity for herself because he cut contact with her and she couldn’t figure out why.
Don’t now know how to READ?