Cheaters, do you miss your mistress after NC?

[Anonymous]

Are there any guys here that have been involved in an affair and had to break it off (NC = no contact)? Did you miss your mistress or would you concider getting back in touch with her?
Also, did your actual relationship ever felt good again?

[Anonymous]

I once had an affair, it wasn't that thing's were bad with my wife, we'd just gotten so familiar with each other that the excitement was gone. I met this other girl, and she was into me, and I was flattered and decided that it'd be fun to have someone on the side. Yeah, I know I'm an asshole for it, I was selfish and just did what I wanted.

Eventually, I started to have feelings for this girl, nothing like what I had for my wife, but there were feelings. I'd lie to her and tell her that things with my wife and I weren't well, and maybe I was lying to myself as well, to give myself an excuse for my behavior.

Anyway, one day we had a close call and my wife almost found out. I hadn't really considered seriously what the very real consequences of my actions might be, up until that point, and the thought of her finding out and ending things between us scared the shit out of me.

I broke things off with the other woman, of course, there was no way I'd ever have chosen her over my wife. I still think about her every now and then, and hope that she's doing well, but our relationship was based on lies and me being a selfish prick. I try not to think about it.

[Asker]

Thank you for telling your story

[Anonymous]

My wife and I married very young and had three kids up to 15 years of marriage. Things were never right, but we made things work. I became involved with another woman, and we fell deeply in love. She tried to get me to leave, and I couldn't because the wife threatened to move our youngest to a terrible place... I was forced to stay with my wife, and my lover waited over 5 years before she left and moved on. I could not forget about her, but she asked me not to contact her, and I honored it. Now 17 years later, I finally got up the nerve divorce my wife once the kids were on there own. My youngest is doing welI, and her mother can not use her as hostage anymore. I think about my lover all of the time. It is very painful, and I hate myself for ruining her life. As painful as it is, if the same events occurred over again, I would make the same exact choices again, because what we had together was beyond description

[Anonymous]

Here why are you referring only to male cheaters? Seems like a sexist question. Even women cheat.

[Asker]

Because I'm a girl, so my concern is how guys think about their mistress after ending things. I know women cheat, but that's not what I'm concerned about at the moment. Girls are free to answer the question, I'd just like to hear some male perspective.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok, I apologize. I was just pissed because in general, men are considered to cheat a lot because they apparently want 'just sex', whereas women are seen as angels from heaven who would remain faithful to their partners forever. Just hate this stereotype, because I'm a man who has been cheated on by a woman with whom I was in a committed long term relationship and very loyal to her too.

[BrunetteNYC]

No I don't think this post is intended in some sexist way, please calm down, but do try to see that as women, because men DO tend to seek out women on the side, of course we wonder exactly why they do it and what we might mean to them. It's not bashing, it's just trying to understand.

[Asker]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, I am well aware of the fact that both genders are capable of cheating, I also believe that both are able to be loyal. I hope you won't let this experience make you bitter. You deserve better than being so angy towards people in general, because of something that was done to you. I hope you find a faithful girl :)

[Opinion Owner]

@Asker

Thank you so much for your kind words, which makes me apologize once again for my 'rant'. This happened over 4 years ago. I have gotten over her, but it has left me emotionally scarred so badly that I have serious trust issues with women now. I'm scared of getting hurt again, so even if I begin to like a woman, I forcibly kill my feelings for her. :(

[Asker]

It's okay, I understand why you reacted that way. I also understand your behaviour toward women you meet, when I feel like staying away from people (cause I fear getting hurt) I like to remember myself that if you act that way, you can't get hurt by other people but they can't make you happy either. Hope you'll find the strenght to trust again!

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot to me! I'm working on regaining my trust, and I'm making good progress. Only problem is, suppose I get there but I'm rejected (because women often reject around a dozen guys for every guy they accept), then my confidence and trust (which I built up with lots of efforts) would be shattered within a matter of moments and then I'd be back to square one. :(

[Asker]

You sound like a smart person. You seem to know that if one person "rejects" you, that doesn't say anything about you. Not everyone fits together, it's always a bit of a search :) Like you said "women often reject around a dozen guys for every guy they accept", that has nothing to do with who you are as a person. It's just the combination that doesn't work out. You wouldn't accept just any girl either right? It would be a bit to easy if everyone found the right partner at the first attempt. Be confident in who you are. It'll work out :)

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for your encouraging words. I'm considered to be a really confident man in general. I train junior employees in my company as part of my main job as software developer, and most of them are in awe of my confidence and knowledge. I used to be the lead vocalist of my college rock/metal band when I was a student and even now perform occasionally (which does require confidence). I along get along really well with people of both genders, and they tell me that I kake them really comfortable, as though we know each other since years, through my confidence and sense of humor.

But its just that when it comes to considering women as potential partners, my trust issues spoil the party and that obviously makes me look like I lack confidence if I approach them.