Why are guys so obsessed with the "friendzone"?

[Anonymous]

A few months ago I posted a picture on Facebook right after my boyfriend had proposed and under it I wrote "going to marry my best friend"
And now, a few months later, I saw that same picture appear on the hotpage of some meme site where someone put a comment under it saying "He made it out of the friendzone"

That's not how I meant it. We were never just friends, I just meant we are friends as well as being lovers.

And I see posts like that a lot, where girls post something fairly ambiguous or just where a guys does something nice for a girl that isn't his girlfriend and loads of guys will complain about being in the friendzone and just jump to conclusions

[Anonymous]

When a woman friend zones a guy, she sees him in the same way a woman sees one of her girl friends. If the guy likes the girl that is a very painful position to be in. It is similar to when a girl likes a guy, but he only sees her as one of the guys. You at least want to be seen as a member of your gender that has a chance to someday attract them.

A big part of the problem is that young girls don't understand male sexuality, and are often overly judgmental about guys approaching them. They often see boys that ask them out as shallow for not knowing her personality yet, not understanding that attraction normally comes first, and then you get to know the other person. These girls then tell boys that they should become friends first, or else the woman he likes is going to hate him for being shallow.

The adults trying to curb sexuality in young people further confuse the guys by telling guys that were shy and were already too slow at making a move in the first place that he needs to move even slower. So he never even asks the girl out, and just expects her to start the next phase of the relationship which almost never happens.

The guys don't know that befriending a girl is the worst possible approach he can take. So there is a lot of guys getting closer as a friend that he really just wanted to ask on a date. In his head it is clear to her that he likes her because he is doing exactly what he was told he should do to get a girlfriend, but because befriending the girl is not a natural form of courtship, the girl has no clue he actually likes her. Lots of guys end up in the trap of being just friends with his crush for that reason. This is why you hear so many guys complain about it.

People need to stop teaching guys to be friends with the girl he likes. That is only going to get him hurt. In fact now women are twisting it again and starting to complain that those guys are deceitful by only pretending to be the girls friend. Just ask her out in the beginning.

[PierrotLeFou]

That man there understands stuff. That man there should get MHO, but as always with that kind of question, it will go to some dude who agrees with the asker.

I would add that there's a common (mis) understanding that to be "lovers" is being "more than friends", as opposed to being "just friends", as if you have to be friends first before becoming lovers, like the whole process goes that way, step-by-step.

The truth is you have to move fast as a guy, unless she's known you and been interested for a long time and you weren't. But even then, once you're interested, you'd better move fast. In any other case, no move (or very slow moves) equals no balls in the girl's point of view, even if she isn't conscious of this.

[BearsAnswers]

Being in the friendzone is the male equivalent to being in a friends with benefits situation for a lot of girls. Not all girls, but the ones that are hoping for a relationship to materialize, or that have feelings stronger than friendship but are in an friends with benefits because the guy won't date them and they think that it's the closest they can get. Essentially, it is a relationship status that a person accepts because they care about the other person, but they want to be dating that person.

A guy in the friendzone does not accept the girls answer of "no". He does not accept that the girl does not want to date him, and he hopes that if he just sticks around and does nice things, acts supportive, acts like a source of emotional support, that she will change her mind. And then he gets annoyed when she doesn't. It is friendship under false pretences.

The obsession with the friendzone comes out of a sense of frustration from those guys that girls are sending mixed messages. Not just that girl in question, but ALL girls. They see all the posts about 'why can't guys be nice' or 'why do all men cheat' or 'where can I find a nice guy' and they all assume that just because they are nice, they should therefore qualify as the type of person these girls are looking for. So you see the "where are all the nice men?"..."In the friendzone" kind of thing.

They don't understand that a lot of women looking for a nice guy want a certain type of guy that is ALSO nice. Nice isn't the key factor. They want a confident guy that is not overbearing. Friendzone guys says "I'm not overbearing, you should date ME!"... without realizing that the confident guy part is more important than the overbearing part. They want a guy who is an emotional rock, but who has a sensitive side and a tender heart. Friendzone guys says "I'm sensitive and tender!" without realizing the emotional rock part is just as important.

It's passive-aggressive, and ignores the girl's desires.

[MoriartysGoodTwin]

A person's husband/wife is supposed to be their best friend! :P
I think guys use the "friend zone" term as an excuse not to ask a girl out because they are terrified of being rejected. (I can't blame them for being terrified though!) but I think psychologically it's an easy way out to them... they reject themselves before the girl does!

[PierrotLeFou]

You're totally right about husband/wife being best friends... But becoming "friends" must happen AFTER you've had sex. Or at least after both have established they're lovers. Any friendship too deep before then, and you're "brother and sister" or she/he sees you as another female/male friend.

[Asker]

@PierrotLeFou but that IS how it happened for us, what I was asking was why are guys so negative, jumping to conclusions right away and making something that is positive into something bad?

[misscoffeehead]

Because no guy wants to be in the friendzone when he has particular feelings for the girl.
They are trying to stay out of the friendzone not be in it.

[PierrotLeFou]

Ok, I get your point. I think a good part of those reactions come from the humor side of it. Since the "let's just be friends" phrase is so widely used by people to reject the opposite sex, and there's a wide belief that there's no way out of the "friendzone", the simple phrase "I'm gonna marry my best friend" just sounds funny to guys, even if you don't intend it that way.
It's mostly guys reacting to it because it's still guys' role to approach girls and make moves, so they also get rejected more often, and tend to hear the LJBF phrase way more often than girls, and when they do, if they're sane, they know it's game over. Hence the humor in your statement, which is, whether willingly or not, not taken the way you intend it.
Some other clueless guys mistakenly see it as a hope sign for their own situation.
And the comment about other guys doing something nice for a girl come from the fact that often guys hand over their balls to their "female friends" and desperately do things they'd never do for a real friend, just in hope of it going somewhere. That's a crucial point. Some girls seem oblivious to the fact that that's not platonic "friendly" behavior, some others enjoy the attention. But guys directly understand what's going through the dude's head, and his (too often) wussy logic.

[Eliposin]

as I see its the worst place to be. Being close to the person you like and care about and them only liking you as a friend. Imagine them not realizing it and giving you all sorts of play by play of their last date and how nice and cute the guy was? Or when he acts like a jerk she comes to you to cry? I've been there and can say I successfully beat friend zone level 9000. My current girlfriend was seeing another guy while she and I were friends with benefits, she wasn't dating either of us. We were both just friends to her, but she told me all sorts of stuff that made me jealous because she was so clearly into him but she didn't see that I was into her despite us sleeping together. It hurt but I stuck around hoping that if she had a hard fallout I'd be close enough to help her not get hurt (her ex had committed suicide after she said she wouldn't marry him, them both being 19). My idea worked and we've happily been dating for 6 months now

[genericname85]

there are a lot of misconceptions about the friendzone. some guys are nice to a girl in order to fuck her or because i love her and then they get butthurt if they´re rejected. though they are being abused by her, allways being asked for a favor which lets them get their hopes up so that they do everything for her.
this is what a lot of girls understand as "friendzone"

for me it´s just simply you have a really good friend and you realize some time that you actually love her. so you confess it to her and she tells you that she isn´t in love. that´s the friendzone to me.

i guessyou should understand, that it´s in both cases "nice" to get out of the friendzone.

[genericname85]

*or because they love her... wtf :P

[evenlift]

The funniest one I've seen is this:
www.idolol.com/.../...d37b56cd609f904822ffbe53.jpg

[SenorAries]

This is a krass saying but... Guys don't have girls as friends... They just have girls they haven't fucked yet. That's blunt. Not that every guy you meet wants to hit you up... But given the opportunity and the right circumstances...

[Balcazaurus]

We, as Man, often give names to things we don't understand in the hopes it---whatever it is---can be that less scary.

As you can see, this has backfired.

[Klaatu51]

it's not bad to be on the frienzone basically... it means she likes me as a friend...:-)

[Scrambled]

Because it's the one zone we hate being in:-)