Hiding behind humor?

[sthrnsweeti]

When a guy hides what he's really feeling behind humor. Like he'll say one thing and laugh about it and then later on come back and say the complete opposite. Or he will make jokes about his fear of commitment or rejection. Or he'll make a joke about how he doesn't want to be a dad because he'd be too good at it, etc. How do you ever know what's real and what's not? How do you trust the things he says or his actions if he's always trying to not show a vulnerable side.

[Empiric]

It sounds like you have already done some of the work for us, you clearly know this guy better than us anonymous internet people. Yes, guys certainly can do this and if the jokeyness is not normal for that guy then it is possible that this is what he is doing.

If you would like to get him to open up I would suggest patience, guys are conditioned from a very young age to be reasonably closed off with their emotions and it can take a long time to feel safe enough. Some men never do (this is more a commentary on the man than the situation, don't take it to heart). You can try to ask him if there is something specific that you would like him to answer if you think he will be ok to answer, it sounds at least that he doesn't want to openly lie.

[sthrnsweeti]

There have been times when he has said something that could possibly open the door to some things and when I ask him about it he says it's a long story for another day. Or that he doesn't want to talk about it at the time. So I don't push it.

[Empiric]

It sounds like you two are together, is this the case? If you don't feel like pushing it then don't, your intuition is probably sound on that one. But there is such a thing as being too passive as well, as you get to know him from this angle you may find points where you can push a bit further or put him in mind to tell long stories. Relationships are a long game I'm afraid, even with people who are open it can take time to truly know someone (if ever).

[sthrnsweeti]

We are not technically together. I guess you could say we are friends but there's definitely more to it. We've been hanging out for a couple months. So I guess you could say we are dating but not exclusively?

[Empiric]

That complicates matters, but what I said applies to friendships and other relationships than just purely romantic ones. You perhaps need to tread more lightly, if he doesn't think you are in a romantic relationship then you may find it considerably harder to get him to open up and may find the questions annoying. All I can say is, use your best judgement, try not to let your emotions get the better of you (it happens to us all with matters of the heart) and push too hard.

Perhaps as an aside I should echo what roseypeach said in a different light, make sure you honestly love him or at least feel you could despite his answers to those questions you want answers to if you want to get him to open up, else you may find he ends up more wounded or you feel like it was a waste of time and energy. Apologies for the harshness of that, but I'm trying to be helpful. I don't mean don't go for it, but at least consider the point. And I wish you good luck!

[sthrnsweeti]

No I completely agree with you. And honestly, despite his flaws and his fears. He's the type of man I could see myself marrying. That's a scary thing to say because we've only been involved for a couple months but we always find our way back to each other. We are drawn to each other for some reason and you can't help who you fall for or when you fall.

[Scrambled]

I'm like this. I'm trying to get out of it though. Yes on the money, we hide our vulnerabilities with jokes. It's a symptom if "nice guy syndrome"

[sthrnsweeti]

Oooh nice guy syndrome? That sounds interesting. So how do I know which one is the truth? Does he really want a relationship and is really scared of commitment and rejection? Does he actually want to be a dad one day and he just says that stuff to not show a certain side. And how do you when he has genuine feelings for you or is just being a "nice guy"?

[Anonymous]

I would like to know the answer to this one as well! I'm in this situation and I think it's because he doesn't want to be seen as vulnderable so he jokes about it instead, it's like saying/stating it but he takes it back.

[roseypeach]

My bf does the same thing, I know now that is his way of telling me what he is really wanting without actually admitting it because he is scared of being rejected.

[sthrnsweeti]

That makes sense. It's still hard for me to decipher him. It makes me question whether or not his "feelings" for me are genuine or not.

[roseypeach]

If he's been in one or more bad relationships, I would say his feelings are most likely genuine and he is doing that out of fear. Mine does definitely, he was in two horribly one sided relationships before me. He gives his whole heart and is very dedicated, has never left or cheated on anyone and is terrified of having history repeat itself. Something to think about.. ;)

[sthrnsweeti]

That sound just like this guy. Haha. So does it just take time? Time and patience for him to know that he can trust me as well?

[roseypeach]

Time and consistency. He just needs to see that you are the real deal, reassure him in any way you can. If he's like my bf, just being reliable and sensitive to his needs should help. I posted a question about something similar, maybe you could pick up some pointers from the responses I'm getting too.

Just make sure you are really in love with him before getting his hopes up and remember that guys tend to take what you say/do to heart literally, like a child. If you say you'll never abandon him then get upset and ask to be alone, that may be a definite trigger that (to him) says you may not be as into him as you say. Though its just a moment you need to regroup, he may interpret it as you not being as committed as he thought.

[sthrnsweeti]

Thank you!!! ThThat makes a lot of sense!!!

[roseypeach]

Glad to help! good luck to you both, may you have a beautiful life together!

[JackKerouac77]

There is much truth said in jest.