How to get a guy to tell you when something bothers him?

[Anonymous]

i tell my boyfriend tells me everything is fine, so I believe him. then he gets distant or ignores me for a few days, and acts in ways that he knows hurts my feelings. when I try and figure out his behavior, I ask him specific questions to see what's been bugging him, but he says no, that's alright. according to what he says, nothing I do bothers him. but his actions say different. and the only time he tells me when something upsets him, is after it's all built up, there's alcohol involved, and its a big fight. I want to handle these issues before they get to that point, but I can't get him to tell me. help?

Updates

+1 y

remove the first two words from the question "i tell"

[JustsomeDude]

I'm not sure how common this all is, but if it is common and recurring, then it sounds like your boyfriend has some anger issues.

If this is a rare occasion, then I would have to say it's a common thing with a lot of guys. In no way should he be treating you badly, but sometimes guys like to resolve issues on their own with time. We know as guys that you want to make us feel better, but sometimes we just need time to get over it...it could be hours or a day.

The more you ask: "what's wrong? Is it me? Is it [insert something you think you did]?"

the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and he starts getting upset at you, not for something you actually did, but for you trying to pry things out of him when he would rather just keep to himself.

The best case scenario is to just let him be a grump, and let it slide. If he doesn't say anything the first time you ask him, then he probably doesn't want to talk about it. Best to just avoid him for a little while and he will come around.

[savacriss]

Just look in his eyes , hold his hand and simply ask him " babe...what's bothering you ?""

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is the same way. Usually the trick is to let him have his space, it seems as though he may have some personal problems that he is trying to resolve, men apparently close up when it comes to solving these problems(let it be work, stress, friends, finances..etc). Try not to take it personal, most of the time what's bugging him has nothing to do with you. But if he is acting out in ways that hurt your feelings let him know.

[CKhan]

My rule is, if you want something, in this case you want his honesty--just ask for it. Look him in the eyes and ask him to tell you when something bothers him. Put it all out in the open and he'll open up to you. Don't be afriad to engage him and let him know that you can handle the truth. You don't just want him to tell you what you want to hear. You want the real stuff. Good luck!

[Asker]

Oh trust me, we've been together for almost 5 years, I've told him to be honest with me. it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

i wish I had the answer...my boyfriend and I are the same way...it sucks

[Asker]

I never thought of us as the type that can't communicate, but this is driving a huge wedge between us. I'm exhausted and close to giving up... =/

[Opinion Owner]

I am actually a lot like your bf...i just don't like talking about stuff...i just need time to be alone and after that I am fine. My boyfriend makes everything a big deal and that's why we get in a fight....

[Asker]

For me he doesn't say what bothers him, and then awhile later he flips out about something small.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh well now I get it. he just blows up because he never resolves it. tell him straight up!