Why is he telling me these things now?

[Anonymous]

We ended the relationship with my long distance boyfriend some time ago. Basically he left me. The reason he provided was that I asked too much time from him, while for me it was mainly that he was criticising me a lot (he used the Bible to criticise me, but he was smoking weed and liking bikini girls on Insta without any problem) and putting down my goals or dreams (he didn't want me to continue studying my master's degree). Very controlling from the beginning, I stopped posting pics of myself since he said it was because I wanted attention from other males, stopped talking to male friends... At the beginning he was attentive though, and made everything to fulfill my needs, over time he started being very neglectful, getting angry very easily, feeling offended easily... The attention diminished. He started saying that he was neglecting the gym or his projects because of me (which isn't true, he later admitted he was projecting his shortcomings onto me). It was pretty messy at the end. So he left me. Then he apologized for the hurt he caused me. And after, he started saying he was lost, he didn't find his place in the world, started telling me he was in a lot of pain, that he wasn't sure about the breakup, that part of him regretted breaking up with me, that he tried a rebound relationship and it made his pain even worse. Whenever I tried to convince him that we could make things work, he didn't want it, said he was too toxic and it wouldn't function anyway. It was a constant pull and push, because on the one hand he said he still loved me after leaving me, but on the other hand he didn't want me. He even told me once that he was feeling useless and was thinking of suicide. And my question is, what does he want? Like I felt he was enjoying me trying to convince him, or chase after him. I got fed up with that and just went no contact with him. But what are his intentions? Why telling me how much in pain he is when he doesn't want to fix things? I just don't get it

[hahahmm]

Don't do long distance relationships. Yeah, it works out 1 time out of a million.

if somebody dumps you you have zero obligation to talk to them. They chose to move on. They can't change their mind unless YOU agree. You don't owe him anything. It's not like you were married. It's on him that you don't think the relationship was deep enough to be worth continuing. So just move on.

[thotmas97]

He has extreme self esteem issues in my opinion. He’ll never be good to you until he learns to get over those. He wants to be wanted, but as soon as he is he lashes out and treats you like crap because he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

[Asker]

It was pretty messed up. I was able to adapt to him in many aspects. And I thought it was enough, but over time he started wanting more and more. I couldn't believe that he asked me not to do my master's degree, I felt really sad that he didn't encourage me. He was really hard to deal with during the relationship but I loved him, and so I was making efforts for it to function. He was very paranoid from the beginning, accusing me of cheating on him and things like that without any proof, I always soothed him and convinced him I wasn't doing those things. But I couldn't stay silent for a longer time, I started protesting that he was putting me down and criticising me a lot, my views, my way of being, everything about me. I felt devalued. I asked him many times why didn't he leave me if he didn't like my own being so much. He left me when I told him his future kids would suffer if he put so much pressure onto him as he was putting onto me. He had certain standards for me that he was unable to fulfill for himself. And then, I was confused by his apologies, his suffering, his suicidal thoughts, how understanding and nice he became after leaving me. I'm still attached somehow to how nice he was at the beginning, very passionate, funny and loving. Then over time he started changing, becoming self centered, selfish, neglectful, criticising, controlling. It was sad to see how a person you loved so much became that way.

[thotmas97]

He sounds like an abuser. They’re normally good at suppressing their actual behavior in order to attract people to them before they become possessive. I wouldn’t bet on him changing his behavior, it sounds like he’s just being manipulative

[SamFromFL]

He wants your attention for the good parts of the relationship that he misses.

[kingykringy]

LDRs are dysfunctional