Guy has a girlfriend but has feelings for me?

[Anonymous]

This guy is the one who initiated communication with me, started flirting with me, keeps staring at me when I'm not looking & quickly looks away if I catch him. It was all playful and fun at the start. I never was the one to initiate anything with him it was him every time & I never used to take all that seriously because he has a girlfriend but recently I've been sensing that he's developing feelings for me.

His conversations with me are much deeper now and he's very very caring and affectionate towards me. I haven't been going to the office since last week due to some health issues & he's been so worried about me. He keeps checking up on my health with our mutual friend and talked to me on phone as well. He said he wants me to come back quickly & he would give me a treat when I come back. He asked me every detail about my condition & my health & told me to take care.

I don't understand what's up with him? I thought he was just looking to have fun with me or something so why is he acting like he cares so much? By the way he doesn't flirt with other girls in the office it's just me who he gives all his attention to.

Updates

+1 y

To be honest this is not the first time he's acted like he has feelings for me. I was once talking about leaving the office and he got so worried and upset that even my friend found it strange. He said that he would miss me if I left and he wouldn't know what to do.

Updates

+1 y

Also, I forgot to mention that when he flirts or compliments me etc. it's never in a dirty way. Its always about my personality, how cute he thinks I am, how he loves my laughter, my presence, certain habits of mine etc. He also doesn't touch me but he doesn't mind if we accidently touch or something.

[horatiohornblower]

He's a cheater. He just wants to get laid by another woman. Then he'll just string you along to make you think he'll leave the other woman for you. Which rarely happens.

Tell him to back off and block him. You'll just waste years of your life when you could be dating someone who's available.

[Asker]

Ugh I'm not dumb enough to get played like that. I'm very popular with guys and I don't have shortage of guys who are interested he's just one of them. The only reason I asked this question was to know what his intentions are exactly. He can easily have fun with some of the girls here who are interested in him but he just keeps ignoring them. I don't know why keeps pursuing me instead I don't give him any attention in the first place.

[horatiohornblower]

He might be infatuated with you. So, you're more to him than simply a pretty face.

[Asker]

Yeah exactly and that's what I'm talking about. He's not just into me for my looks if that was the case he wouldn't keep talking about my personality.

[Asker]

He knows every habit, quirks I have every little thing I say he remembers that. And we have just known each other for 2 months.

[horatiohornblower]

Sounds like you've got a good grasp on the situation. Guys can like more than one woman at a time.

Some just have the self control to keep it to themselves when they are already in a relationship. He doesn't have so much control. Just enough to keep from directly going after you. Either because he is fighting it and knows it's wrong or because he knows you won't respond to it.

My initial warding was to simply wave you off from a bad choice. If you were considering some sort of relationship. Which you've clarified you are not.

Anyways, he likes you. Tiptoes around the line but knows not to cross it. But might if you made a move. Do with that what you will. Lock it away as good to know or use it to torment him a little.

[Asker]

Great analysis of this situation couldn't have explained any better. I think his relationship is not fulfilling to him that's why he's falling for me. Even if nothing happens between us I think his relationship is done. I also feel like if I make any kind of move and reciprocate, he would be more than happy to get involved with me. One of the reasons I think he can't make a move on me is also that I'm very guarded and I don't think he knows exactly how I feel about him like I said it's always him who showers affection and attention on me. I don't know what exactly to do with this situation. He wants to give me a lunch treat tomorrow cause I'm returning to office after being on leave since last week due to health issues. Again, look at his care and affection towards me.

[Asker]

I really appreciate that he cares so much about me like who doesn't like someone who affectionate and caring towards them so much.

[horatiohornblower]

Tis true. It does feel good to have someone care about you. Probably shouldn't do anything with the situation. Especially, if you're a little love starved. Something like that could suck the best of us in.

[Asker]

Actually I was getting over a recent heartbreak which is difficult for me to process like things didn't work out with me and that guy so yes I would say I'm a little love starved. Secondly, the thing is most guys are into me for my looks they don't care to know much about me but this guy loves my personality as well and that's what he usually keeps talking about so that's what makes me feel good and nice.

[Asker]

Secondly, there is a Lot of sexual tension between us like the kind where it's hard to be in the same room and not touch so that's also an issue. I have a lot of self control but like even I'm human if someone keeps coming on to you like the way he keeps coming on to me you're bound to lose your senses at one point. He's attractive as well like I said some girls here are interested in him. Now I don't know what to do.

[horatiohornblower]

Well, you're pleasant enough to chat with. Some guys are too visually oriented.

You know what you should do. What you have do deal with is if what you want to do is more than what you should do.

[Asker]

Huh? I didn't get that last part.

[Asker]

About what I should do

[horatiohornblower]

Your original conclusion. Indicated you know the prudent option is to avoid a relationship with a guy who's currently involved.

While emotionally you indicate you are quite taken with him. He makes you feel good about yourself. You find him physically attractive. He seems to understand you as a person. So, there's a possibility of a great relationship.

There's a belief that his current relationship is shaky and he might leave her. But that's not certain. But you do know he'd go for you.

The safe course is to do nothing or wait until he is free too. Emotionally you desire something more with him.

You'll need to decide if you want to stick with the safe course or go with emotion and throw caution to the wind. The benefits being that you can be with a guy who you enjoy on many levels and a potentially good relationship. The downsides being caught in a love triangle if he can't cut bait with his current girlfriend.

Which seems to be the debate you're dealing with. There really is no right or wrong decision. Just safe or not. Each will have it's own emotional consequences.

[Asker]

I still know it's best not to get involved with a guy who has a girlfriend else don't you think I would have already reciprocated his advances? it's been more than 2 months since we have known each other. Anyways, I was never interested in him to be honest. I never used to even talk to him (I didn't even know he was in a relationship at that time), it was him always who used to keep checking me out and initiating conversations with me. When we got into the same social circle and became friends is when we actually started talking on a daily basis and he asked for my number. It's because of how much he keeps coming on to me that I've started to slightly think in this way (and this is the emotional and stupid side of the brain) and I think that's natural.

I feel I actually won't do anything because like I said before I'm really not stupid enough to get involved in a love triangle like that and I have more self respect than that. The fact that his relationship is not fulfilling to him is something he has to realize on his own. If he was so happy with his girlfriend he wouldn't be looking elsewhere. To add that I'm not sure as well if I will stick to this job. So yeah long story short I just have to keep thinking straight with my mind like I have been doing for the last few months and not get the emotional and reckless side involved. Let's see how it goes.

[horatiohornblower]

That's definitely a good idea. Maybe he'll break up with her. Then you can reevaluate if that happens. Otherwise, there's plenty of fish in the sea. There's plenty of guys who will care more about your personality than just their physical attraction.

[Asker]

Yeah and it's not like I'm waiting for him to break up with her. Whether he does or not it would be his loss not mine. I'll see if I would want something if that does happen. To be honest I'm a real emotionless mess right now I'm still heartbroken over the previous guy I was involved with and then this guy comes showing me so much of care.

The only thing I have to decide right now in this situation is whether I should allow him to continue flirting with me and behaving in this way. I never used to take it seriously before. If I do have that talk with him I don't know what would happen and what I would say. Things will definitely get awkward and uncomfortable and we're in the same group of friends.

[horatiohornblower]

Yea, you're probably emotionally vulnerable right now. Best to lay off men until you come to terms with your breakup. Since any relationship right now would just be a rebound.

Since his flirting is affecting you now. It might just be you looking for a lifeline to grab on to. A quick patch to your pain.

[Asker]

That's true I guess. I've entertained the thought of getting over my pain by being with this guy. It would be easy and convenient. But again, that was just a thought.

So what do I do now? Should I have that conversation with him and tell him to keep things strictly platonic between us?

[horatiohornblower]

Nothing wrong with attention if you like it. As long as you think you can handle it. Without making a mistake. Then there's no harm in letting it continue.

If you think you can't handle it. Then have him tone it down.

But if he changes tact and starts to seriously go after you or ask you on dates. Let your position be known. That while you enjoy the flirting. He needs to be single or stop. As nothing will happen while another woman is in the picture.

[Asker]

I went to office today and I met him and realized I can't handle it anymore. It's messing up my mind. I think I'm going to tell our mutual friend to tell him to stop talking to me. I won't give any reason. I feel weird saying this to him myself. I don't know what his reaction will be.

[horatiohornblower]

Hard to say. He'll probably be hurt and want to know why. You'll have to decide if you want to be honest. That you like him but there can never be anything if he's involved with someone else.

[Asker]

I don't even know if I like him or not or if I'm just physically attracted or I'm just looking to get over my past love. I know I like how he cares so much about me and loves my personality.

Like I said I'm already messed up emotionally and now this situation is making it worse. On top of that I have some work pressure as well.

I know he would be hurt. He got hurt even when I ignored him for a few days some time ago. The only thing I'm worried about is what I'll tell him if he comes to ask me why I won't talk to him anymore. I don't think I can be honest with him.

[boggboss]

Mwh sounds like he is playing the game simple stuff

[Asker]

what game?

[boggboss]

How to get into your pants by selling u the dream that he cares about u broken down if he wanted to be with u he wouldn't be with his girlfriend

[Asker]

We have just known each other for 2 months even I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend for a guy I just met 2 months ago but yeah he's basically cheating on his girlfriend right now.

[boggboss]

I wouldn't be fishing for a new partner if I currently had a girlfriend its not only cheating but shows u are not loyle person so why would the new person trust u not to do it with them later

[Asker]

See I don't know what exactly he's looking for. Maybe he genuinely has started getting feelings. If he is genuine I don't know what kind of drama I'm getting myself into. I don't know what to do. I can't avoid him either he's there every day at the office.

[boggboss]

It would be easy to deal with u just are not willing to confront him

[Asker]

Well we're in the same social circle would even call us "friends" it would be awkward to say the least. It's not as easy as telling a random co-worker to back off.

[boggboss]

It should be easier because u know him by not doing so has encouraged him to continue

[Asker]

What I do is try to ignore him but obviously that hasn't been working. I mean I haven't been going to the office since last week I thought now he obviously won't bother with me but like I said he keeps checking up on me with my friend and even called me.

[boggboss]

Ask him dont u think its a little inappropriate how you are acting when u have a partner

[Asker]

Yeah that I can do

[boggboss]

U should have dont this in the first place bit better late then never I guess

[Asker]

but again there would be some kind of confrontation after that and drama and I'm basically trying to avoid that

[boggboss]

So your willing to avoid it but fine will letting him think its fine what he is doing which encourages him to continue

[Asker]

How am I encouraging him? am I the one flirting with him? calling him? texting him? checking up on him?

[Asker]

I've seen girls here who have shown interest in him but he's least interested in them even ignores them which I find weird since he can have fun with these girls easily but he just keeps giving all his attention to me and I don't show any interest in him at all

[boggboss]

No but by answering to these things it shows him u are dine with it happening and dont mind if he continues u can't be this nieve to human interaction if someone flirts with u and u respond it let's him know you are fine with it

[Asker]

I don't respond to his flirting I ignore it he still continues to do it

[boggboss]

U have never commented on it u continue to talk to him so it encourages him meh ether way if u don't confront it he won't stop it will get to a point when u will have to speak or end up fucking him meh

[Asker]

No if he crosses the line I will speak up.

[boggboss]

Yet where is that line

[Asker]

I don't know exactly.. thing is he doesn't talk sexual stuff with me it's always about my personality how he likes my laughter, my presence, my habits etc. so I can't really call him out on that. He also never touches me but yeah if we do accidently touch he doesn't mind it but I do back off

[boggboss]

So then u will need to say somthing at a point otherwise this will just continue

[SnakeBoop]

Shut down any conversation. He's taken. Treat him that way. Don't encourage a shit person to be able to be a shit person and at minimum emotionally cheat. If you think feelings are getting there on his half, shut it down like I said.

[Asker]

Like I said I never initiated anything with him. It was him, him and him from the beginning. He gives me all the attention I never asked for it. I never used to take all that seriously but like I said recently his behavior has gone from playful to what it seems like serious. And I can't avoid him since we're in the social circle would even call us friends. If I cut off communication he would ask why and so would other people. I don't know what to do exactly.

[Asker]

I never encouraged his behavior like I said I never took it seriously but he still keeps pursuing me.