I asked him if he wanted to sleep in my bed tonight because I haven’t seen him since our last argument (yes we’ve been texting constantly after we made up) and he kept saying “no I can’t. I’m sorry” “I can’t.” “No.” He told me he needed a mental reset from me because I really hurt him mentally and emotionally during our relationship. Last week he told me, quote for quote, “you do have a chance but I need a mental reset from you.” He also told me he didn’t lose feelings for me and there isn’t anybody else that he’s being alone right now. That he needs time and to heal. What should I do?
Updates
+1 y
All comments and opinions are appreciated! Please be nice!!
What does it mean by “it’s just a mix of everything”?
Okay, I’m trying to be nice but I don’t sympathize with people who treat their partners poorly, even if you have a line of excuses ready to hand me. I’m sorry — But just listen to me…. You can’t treat people poorly and expect people to give you another chance by simply saying “I will treat you so much better this time.” It’s a classic line that abusers (yes, abusers… Emotional and physical abusers like to say to their partners) just so they can come back to them and repeat the cycle. I know it all too well and I want to help you recognize it and change it. He’s simply smart enough to not allow you to do that again and give you another chance. He said that “it’s a mix of everything” because everything negative you have done to him is affecting him and preventing him from wanting to give you another chance. He does not want to give you another chance because he doesn’t want to be treated poorly again by you. He’s putting his guard up and you need to respect that and back off. If you truly want him to give you another chance, you need to get help by figuring out how to not hurt people you claim to love. Therapy is highly recommended if you truly want to change and prove it to him.
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Asker
+1 y
Thank you so much. I really respect the fact you called me out on it. But I’m not an abusive person, I was in a relationship with a manipulative physically abusive narcissist for 5 years and I ended up leaving him and he told me he found someone else. It was more a lot of the arguing and constant fighting between us. People got in the way our relationship many of times and we got into constant fights over it.
Do you think I have a chance in the future? He told me he needs time and space to heal and then maybe he’d consider going back down that road in the future but not anytime soon. But then he changed his whole diameter when I wanted him to spend the night with me.
You’re welcome. I understand. I think even with constant arguments, it needs to be handled maturely. Serious change in communication and emotional regulation needs to happen. When there’s an issue that will most likely start an argument, you or him or both of you need to say, “hey, I need to step out for a bit, take a breather, and come back when I am calm.” That way, you can think of what you two want to say in a calm manner, without any harsh words or yelling. It takes a lot of self control to really catch yourself feeling frustrated ready to argue and then step out and calm down.
I think it’s a possibility but you need to give him that space right now because by constantly bugging him is only pushing him away (promise me lol, I’ve been through it). When people need space, they need space… That means being near each other or even talking to eachother for the time being.
Yesterday when his package came to my house, I told him I wanted to open them because online shopping and receiving them in the mail gives me all types of life 😂 But he told me, “Lol yes you can open it. Wear it. Whatever.” that truly gives me hope
Well, the “whatever” just sounds like, “I don’t care anymore.” Just stay neutral. Don’t get your hopes up and don’t be completely pessimistic about the situation. You simply just need to give him time.
Well I’m thinking he’s considering whether he should continue to be w you. You said it yourself you hurt him emotionally. Now I don’t k ow exactly what that includes as far as how you hurt him emotionally. But if you threw things at him that he told you in confidence about his feelings or things that he’s been through that’s pretty shady. Men usually have a hard time as it is telling women how they feel so when they open up that part of their life to you they’re trusting you to keep that to yourself, to never use it against them. For him to have done something g like that it means he has some real feelings for you. You saying you could have treated him ten times better is nonsense to him. If I was him I’d be thinking ok why next time? Why didn’t you treat me that way the first time? But there’s a lot for him to consider. The fact that you’re starting sh*t w him again through text give me, I’m sure him as well, an i dictation that you’re not going to change. At least not now. So that’s something else I’d be thinking about your current attitude. This is just my opinion based on the info you told me. Maybe he cheated on you or something so bad that you treated him the way you did. Not justifying your treatment of him if that’s the case.
Just from short reading I came to notice that I have same situation as you, just different roles (I'm in position of your ex). I will keep story short and not go in details, we were together for couple of months and everything was great (same topics, similar job, both outgoing, 80% same friends, etc.) But she had some issues with herself like insecurity, overthinking which led in first breakup by her ofc. Later after almost a month she reach out and we were back together and we went from same shit again and she broke up for second time. Now I hear from my friends that she is hurt, she is asking about me and stuff like that. When i go back and think about stuff I went because of her, there is 0 chance I will go back to her for 3rd time. Why? Because thinking will she do that again, she did it two times, what will change and stop her of not doing it again... I don't know, you are in deep shit :D
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Asker
+1 y
May I ask you how old you are? My guy is an older man. Late 20’s/early 30’s.
Do you think my ex is hurt? I mean, does he sound hurt?
I'm 32, no matter on age, pain is pain. Yes he does, he is hurt and I guess he is in same position as I am atm. He doesn't trust you and he doesn't want to go thro same thing again and unfortunately I do understand him.
Do you think he’ll give me another chance? Yesterday he told me when his stuff I bought him in the mail came and I begged him if I could open it. He told me, “Lol yes you can open it. Wear it. Whatever.”
I truly don't know, I really don't. Because I'm not sure would I give her second chance. We love each other but this situation is specific and only people who lived it can understand. It is like going against your self. My best "advice" is to give him space and let him think about it :/
If we are talking about you behaviour I think he means on that, mix of things/reasons which are affecting him due to those things he decided to "move away" from you.
He told me earlier the feelings he tried to lose for me he still has them. He has showed some signs of wanting to get back together. He told me earlier he isn’t trying to stick his dick in anybody you know? Definitely gives me the vibe he is trying to let me know I have nothing to worry about.
You need to show him that you care about him, approach in some "easy" way but first give him couple of days to chillout. Reach out see what he is doing, don't speak about your problems which caused in break up. Talk like that couple of days, easy talk about life I don't know, just don't bring issues on table. If that goes well and you start to talk again like you used to, I think you should go out have some dinner and talk things, say that you overreacted and you are aware of that, which resulted in bad ending and you will change that and work on your relationship to workout and not to have old issues.
As I said, nothing is sure here. Loving each other is not something which could change over the night. Feelings are there but you need to tread it carefully with approach after all that shit that happened.
100% agreed. Do you think he shutting me out and pushing me away? I mean is what you did with your ex? My ex has a hard time communicating with me and he kinda just bottles things up
We broke up 18th last month, we didn't spoke since then. From my position I think if I start with talking with her again, I will be "weak" and put my guard down and go back to start and things could happen again. I'm not saying that I hate her or something I love her, but I don't see us back together while she remains same and don't change her thinking. I'm ready to let her go fully and let time heal wounds, but I'm not ready to go through same shit again...
He needs a break from you basically. If there's a slight chance and you don't give him a break, it will never happen. He needs time to process what you did to him. Once he does, he may come back or he may never come back. It depends on how he feels after going through what he needs to. Mixture of things means you did a lot and it's everything. Back off of him right now and work on yourself. If he does come back you'll be ready and know how to overcome what you did, and if not you will learn for next time.
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2 Reply
Asker
+1 y
We still talk everyday. Like we text everyday still.
If the little snapshot is any indication you need to take a step back. Your go-to was twisting his words and attacking him, followed by being self righteous. That reads as strongly manipulative.
After having quite literally twisted his words to make yourself the victim and him the bad guy you then proceed to ask him to be vulnerable and open. Of course you got a nonsensical reply. He's a champ for not swearing at you right then and there.
Of course context is everything but this is the part you picked out yourself and it certainly is not to your advantage.
Given this supposed trend of behavior, time to breathe and think combined with demonstrating actual change and establishing mutual failsafes that you both respect seems the best way to me. That of course assumes you both still want to try. At the very least, stop seeing communication as a contest.
It means what it means that there are combination of things as opposed to one that he needs to work through before giving you a chance. Rule of thumb is if someone asks for space you give it to them. There is no benefit from not doing what they are communicating to you. If it's meant to be they will realize what you had when it's not there and.
It's a combination of what happened between you two and what he is going through on both a mental and emotional level. He might have some feelings for you on a emotional level. But mentally he has a lot of air raid sirens going off in his head telling him to cut and run. Because it's the only way he has to ensure he does not end up getting hurt again.
It means he’s not interested for many reasons. But from the sound of things, it’s not about you. He seems to just have a a problem with getting close to people.
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6 Reply
Asker
+1 y
I was his girlfriend for 4+ and things got really rocky in the end. We still talk everyday but there’s one minute wheee he wants me and tells me how pretty and cute I am and then hours later he tells me he doesn’t want to be with me or anybody. It gives me fucking whiplash. Holy fuck.
Not about me? What do you mean? Why do you say that?
I asked another question and it gives more details about the situation. It’s under the category of “other” and the topic is, “Does he sound hurt, angry, mad, disappointed, I’m not sure how to take his responses?”
I don’t know whatbyou did, but I can say that by acting like that and pressuring him like that you’re pushing him away more making him want you back even less. Just leave him alone and live your life, he’s more likely to come back then than if you do what you’re doing now.
He probably needs time to himself like he said and process everything. So I would give him the time he needs, and if he contacts you then good. If not then it means it was never meant to be. I would just focus on myself and work on my self improvement and try to not think about it or worry, if I was you
I'd take that to mean there's more than one reason he's not sure he wants to continue a relationship with you.. There's a saying that goes, "If you really love someone, set them free, if they come back to you, it's meant to be"... In other words, give him time and space..
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I think you need to give him some space. You’re kinda twisting his words…
It seems clear to me. He told you how he feels. And if I were him, I would not expect you to change and treat him better. Men can endure a lot of abuse from women. Then they hit a point and things change. You can call it sh! t overload.
it seems like a silence before parting, remember that if he wanted you, he would have wanted you to be with him in his bad times, he's just buying time until he finds someone new. **** I don't know his personality, but looking at it from here, this is the situation ***
Clearly he's reached his limit on the amount of crap he takes from you. He needs a break, and is potentially considering his even being with you in the first place. Give him space and apologize when you're both ready.
I just hurt him with a lot of arguing and fighting daily for a good month straight. (Believe it or not, that shit does become mentally draining for both parties) He hasn’t really went into detail on how or why I’ve hurt him. But he told me earlier he doesn’t know why he won’t let me all the way in and if he spent the night “nothing good comes from it” he told me it wasn’t about the sex.
From his texts, it seems like you hurted him a lot and you know it. I can understand the situation cos once I've been through the same. I'm sure he still loves you. Give him time. Meanwhile, try to bring back the spark again. Apologize and tell how much you love him
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