Turning ex into friends with benefits?

[Anonymous]

Hi,
Thanks for your time, reading this.
I have an ex boyfriend we had a difficult break up and where together for about a year. I have stayed single worked on myself and have been casually dating but not really looking for something serious as I have been working on myself and making sure I am happy within myself.
During the period he keeps coming round and I have come round a couple of times, where we have both looked to hook up.
He will tell me he wants to talk about things that happened between us, but it always turned into a hook up. Then he would disappear for a month or so.
He said in the most recent hook up he wasn’t sure where he wanted things to go. There was elements of our interactions that he hasn’t been able to leave behind and has thought about regularly. So I suggested friends with benefits as I don’t want a relationship again. He never really answered hooked up with me again then disappeared again.
I have asked him if he wants the friends with benefits directly and he now ghosts me.
The fact he disappears doesn’t bother me.
I’m just wondering am I missing something?
Should I give this my energy or let this go?

[Plinko]

Energy? What energy?
If you want to make him someone you fuck when the opportunity arises and you're feeling it, then do it.
Why do you care about the rest of his actions?

He's not shackled to you and owes you no answers.
Likewise, you're not shackled to him, and don't owe him energy or extra thoughts.

[Asker]

Usually friends with benefits is more of a regular thing. I don’t do just hooking up as a one off, it’s not my thing. I don’t care about his life etc, and don’t want him to care about mine, but having a basic respect for me. To not ignore my boundaries and try and pick me up and drop me I think is one of them.

[Plinko]

Then find someone else.

[FilmGuy93]

What you're missing is that being friends with benefits with an ex is consistently, 110% the single worst idea that anyone has ever had, every single time anyone tries it. The man is using you like a cum rag. Move on with your life.

[Asker]

Why do you think I’m being used?
I ask that in a non combative way.
I don’t want commitment from him or a relationship.

[FilmGuy93]

I'm happy to help! And I appologize if I came across aggressively. I think you're being used because you have never gotten what you want/need from him, and yet you continue to play along with his games. It's really obvious that you want him in your life, even if you claim you don't want a commitment from him. Your ex can't even be bothered to WANT to stay in your life. You continue to give this guy sex when he can't be bothered to remain physically present.

[Asker]

You didn’t come across aggressive, I just wanted you to elaborate to try and understand things more from your perspective. As you may see something I cannot as I am in the situation and they say feelings and logic sometimes get clouded.
Without being too graphic, the sex was good and we both agreed on that.
We have a long distance situation so he was never always around and that worked for me. I just want personally the boundaries set so I can just have what not have to worry. He tends to disappear for a while tell me how he can’t let certain things go. I tell him I’m over that and then what happens continues.

[FilmGuy93]

Yeah, see that's him walking all over your attempts to set boundaries; that can't continue. He keeps coming back for sex with you because it's convenient. If you want to set boundaries, you can't be afraid to be a little bit unpleasant with him.

[Asker]

Unpleasant how?
Apologise I don’t have a lot of relationship experience I was in a 12 year relationship previously to this.
So any help would be greatly appreciated.

[FilmGuy93]

Unpleasant as in being firm with him. You have to tell him "no" and stand by that.

[Asker]

Okay, so tell him I changed my mind about the whole friends with benefits thing I was suggesting and I’m just not interested anymore.

[FilmGuy93]

You could do that, or simply stop reaching out to him; I don't know that it matters too much.

[Asker]

I don’t want him to be around in any other capacity than friends with benefits. So I’m confused why would it be a problem to agree to that rather than behaving as he has. He can still do as he pleases.
I’m either respect my boundaries as to what I want or it’s nothing.
This is why I’m confused as to why it’s hot and cold

[Asker]

It seems like making things more difficult than needed

[Asker]

As soon as I said okay, no problem he comes back around apologising

[CA4444]

Ppfff there was a guy I liked so much, he was so inconsistent too, he would promise me the moon, we’d have sex and then he would disappear. I was lost. I have issues and he has his own issues too I’m sure, they make us act irrationally and we can’t understand each other unless we understand these issues in particular. They can be very specific I believe like a sex addiction or a fear of abandonment, things like that. The thing is, we can’t change other people, we can only try to understand ourselves better and try to take the appropriate decisions to relieve us.
Probably not a good idea to try to be friends with benefits…

[Anonymous]

You are already in a friends with benefits relationship with him? Why do you need to ask him or confirm it? Unless you want him on call when you get horny? Just text him that you need your pussy licked and he’ll come.

[Asker]

He tends to tell me he wants to see where things go. I don’t want it to go anywhere other than friends with benefits. He also doesn’t always keep it consistent, so I would rather put boundaries in place

[VikingWarLord]

Have you gained weight or changed your appearance?

That'd be the only reason why a dude would ghost a chic.

[Asker]

I have lost weight been working out. My friends have said I look better.

[VikingWarLord]

hmm what's your height and weight now compared to before.

Send me a pic and I'll be BRUTALLY FUUCKIN HONEST if it's your looks or not.

99% of the time it's the looks. Men are visual

[Asker]

I have lost about 3 stone. Thanks for the offer with photos, but I’ll pass. 👍

[VikingWarLord]

Yup you're insecure so I think it might be your looks.

Plus you're age, you're gettin up there for a female

[Asker]

😂😂 yes, very insecure and old.
I have just bought my 15th cat because I am nearly an old spinster.
I haven’t actually been ghosted, every time I say I just want friends with benefits he goes quiet…

[VikingWarLord]

Well that's a form of GHOSTING now ain't it

[Asker]

Well, usually he comes back within a couple of weeks to a month and try’s again. It’s more just silence at being friends with benefits.
It’s avoiding addressing a conversation

[VikingWarLord]

If you were smokin hot, he wouldn't avoid you at all.

I've banged over 500 plus biitches and would only ever ghost if I didn't find her that hot.

[Asker]

Well what can I say I must be U-G-L-Y with no alibi.
As every male in your gender must think and behave exactly the same way as you!
That has solved my problems, I’m so glad an alpha male has come along and explained to me my short coming’s to improve!

Thank you 😊

[VikingWarLord]

Oh yes, I am indeed a bold, upfront jerk, but it's better than butter-ball kissin azz like these betas will do for ya.

Just come to me when you need real advice, I'll give it to your RAW and HARD

[Asker]

Thanks, but with all this age, they say wisdom comes so, I’ll try and to continue to survive as I was previously to meeting you.
Thanks for your time

[Wise4myage]

I suppose its ok if you see it as a temporary thing.

[Asker]

It’s confusing because it’s hot and cold. So the minimal energy needed to keep it going is kind of confusing. I see it as temporary he ignores, if it’s left in this weird middle ground he is more responsive

[Wise4myage]

Personally, I think your better off dumping that guy for good.

[RuthlessAggression]

is for pathetic losers, with no lives

[scott04sa22]

Might as well

[AFretiredTXn]

Time to give him up.