My boyfriend keeps looking for red flags in me. Everything is a red flag to him?

[Anonymous]

Should this be a red flag? Is this normal? It’s becoming exhausting. What should I tell him to stop. Or why do guys do this? I’m very pretty but for some reason guys always do this to me. Like they get so insecure and it makes me sad because this makes me want to leave even tho I know he doesn’t want to make me feel like that.

[ZiZi_Bell]

It's semi-normal, in my experience.

From what I've found, guys will usually start behaving this way because they've been hurt before, so they're trying to get ahead of it. Especially when the girl they're dating is attractive, they don't think that the relationship will last because they aren't good enough. The problem is they don't realize they're sabotaging their own relationship.

Another, less common, reason is that they are trying to lower your own self confidence to make you more agreeable. Basically, they could be trying to counter the fact that you are out of their league by making you feel like you are the one putting strain on the relationship, which puts you in a position of trying to accommodate them.

Either way, I would recommend walking away from the relationship, because neither behavior is very healthy.

[Anonymous]

He sounds paranoid. Seems like a giant red flag for him. I don't know how serious you all are but I'd tell him it's annoying and to stop and if it keeps going, go find someone else. Someone this paranoid is soon going to turn into the jealous type who is going through your phone and constantly trying to find out where you are and who you're with.

[abc3643]

He needs to go.
His constantly looking for red flags in you is a red flag for you to dump him.
Why?
Because he will never feel safe or be capable of love because he doesn't have trust. Until he can trust, he cannot love.

Now, I must admit, dumping him won't exactly help with his trust issues. So, you need to clearly teach him why you are dumping him: His trust issues mean that you can't feel loved by him and so you cannot feel at ease with him which is necessary for you to be able to love him.

After you dump him and he wonders why, point to this very question and my response.

[es20490446e]

According to neuroscience when a person is in a deep emotional state they don't really act rational, and reasoning with them really doesn't work.

What does work though is asking them to come aware of what they are feeling, to make them put it into words. This break their automatic behavior.

Ask him things like:
- Are you afraid that this relationship will finish?
- Are you afraid that I liked to harm you?
- Are you feeling stressed?
- Are you angry?

[BoopBoopBeep]

There's two things at play here. You say your boyfriend keeps doing this, then you say "guys always do this to me" indicating he is not a one-off. If EVERYONE is doing it to you there's something going on there you may want to investigate further. You caveated everything with "I'm very pretty"... and I'm not sure why. Do only ugly people have red flags? Pretty people have red flags, too.

[hahahmm]

This is like an athlete asking why is it so hard to get selected to be on an Olympics team. If you want a guy to promote you to the higher/highest relationship levels you have to prove you're worth it. I mean, unless he's a total idiot.

Yes, trust should build over time but it is earned. Only fools just give it away for nothing.

[lightbulb27]

past hurts, fear of vulnerability?

you'll have to dig. I would do that and as soon as I found a problem, I'd quit... often before a first date.

the answer is in his mind, sub conscious, which forms his view of himself.

good luck, you get to pull out your psych book and Bible now...

Really good communication, effort, support can get you both through it and be stronger together. Ignoring it means disaster.

[JBlade]

Dont just play victim, provide examples. Not saying they should be aggressive about it but screening is a thing. If it consistently occurs with partners, it may be warranted and we only have your pov.

[Sour-rose]

this n*gga got a problem, you need to dip. He has a problem, not you. He can go find a red flag and shove it up his moon hole

[alice55]

It seem to be a trends nowadays to say everything is a red flag, most likely miscommunication.

[ProbablyClueless]

That should absolutely be a red flag for you. It reeks of insecurity, and insecure people like that tend to cheat.

[EmmaMary]

I'm afraid I would be kicking this extremely insecure guy into touch.

[provokeesmokee]

Tell him his constant search is a red flag, then dump him.

[Miristheiss]

What are we talking about? What is he doing specifically?

[Anonymous]

If guys always do this to you as you say that is a red flag.😆😆😆 At some point you might actually have to consider the possibility the problem is not them.

In the words of Bill Engvall "here's your sign".😆😆😆

[Bobbysworld]

Tell him. Sit him down and tell him what you typed. He seems the insure type.

[In_Trance]

so break up.
what are you even doing in a relationship like this?

[Pterodon]

If you’re such a red flag then why does he stay?

[noohair]

No one is perfect.