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I’ve been working in a predominantly male industry and feel ignored by male coworkers most of the time. I’m not invited to anything by my supervisors unlike the rest of the team, sometimes they ignore my messages, delay meetings without notifying me prior and without explanation or even hide from me physically and shut down any kind of small talk and just avoid any kind of communication with me. Sometimes they act even weirder as in chuckling and looking away when they see me walk by as if they are mocking me.
However with other women they act super charming and warm and even spend time outside of work. I’ve been wondering if it is due to my looks since I try to do my work as best as I can and be proactive but feeling left out and not being considered part of the team is very discouraging for me. Has anyone of you experienced something like this? I’m pretty sure my superiors would have put in more effort in my training if I was more attractive
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
In my limited experience, a lot of the times it doesn't have so much to do with women's looks if they are outcast from a male-dominated team but (and very possibly mistakenly) a perceived lack of friendliness and a sense of humor.
Usually such male-dominated teams involve their share of banter and camaraderie which might seem exclusive to some women with this juvenile "boy's club", especially if they're perceived to be particularly serious and absent a big sense of humor. The jokes are usually rather juvenile, and such men can start to feel like they're walking on eggshells around women they perceive to be more on the sensitive side.
That's not just exclusive to male-dominated teams in my experience. During university, I took up a part-time job working as a custodian in a hotel with a female-dominated team of middle-aged women. They had me do all the heavy-lifting work as the only guy like lifting heavy bedframes up and down stairs. Yet initially I had that same sort of experience feeling excluded from the "girl's club" as a rather shy and reserved guy back then. It took me some adjustment (I did start to overcome my shyness) and time before the women started growing comfortable around me, inviting me to their coffee breaks and starting to grow comfortable teasing me and including me in their banter.
So I think it's usually not so much related to looks but related to how comfortable the members of the opposite sex feel in their usual banter without feeling like they need to work on eggshells around us.
But have you seen attractive and shy men getting better treatment?
Also I think women are not as focussed on looks as men are
Good-looking people often have a social advantage in a wide variety of situations for sure. For example, I am fairly certain far more people will be forgiving of a particularly reserved man or woman if they are very attractive. Yet I would very deliberately use the word, "forgiving". Whenever someone is excluded from any social group, it's typically because the others in the group don't feel as comfortable talking to them for whatever reason.
That can include even the most gorgeous people after that initial eagerness. For example, I worked in a team one time where we had a very reserved designer but she was gorgeous: a French woman who looked almost like a model. Yet while she had an initial grace period with more male members of the team willing to talk to her initially (and possibly, in part, out of sexual attraction), she was such a serious person that after the initial period, a lot of the engineers still worked back to excluding her.
Later we got a QA manager who wasn't, at least conventionally, all that attractive. She had very thick glasses, was fairly overweight, but she was extremely bubbly and had this huge sense of humor. She was accepted fairly quickly.
So if you can't find a more hospitable team, the world shouldn't work this way but I think you'd find your odds of being accepted as "one of the guys" improving if, instead of a physical makeover, you try your best to interact in a way that makes all these men feel comfortable around you. Then I think you'll find far less being so cliquey and talking behind your back and instead include you even in their most unfiltered banter.
How do you know they are talking about me behind my back?
It might be a mistake on my part but an assumption I made when you observed that they have a tendency to chuckle and look away when you're around.
What do you think they could gossip about? I mean they hardly talk to me
I'm afraid I have no idea and might not talk about you at all. I just figured if they seem to be avoiding talking to you very much and keep to themselves. Where I grew suspicious was that chuckling and turning away. They don't sound very nice to me.
Yeah. The one who turned away acts nice with everyone but me and the other one is nice to my face but probably gossips about me too. They told my boss that I wasn’t proactive enough but I think they just said it because they dislike me
That sounds horrible to me. I think the most mature way is to try to smooth things out if you can with this guy and maybe even try to get him more comfortable around you, perhaps even seeking the aid of your boss to facilitate the process. But it sounds like a very hostile setting to me.
That’s the thing. If I would try to talk to my boss about it they would find out and punish me even more
Ouch. I don't want to be responsible for life-altering decisions you could make, but some workplace environments just aren't worth the stress if we can't get along with our teammates. One of the most difficult decisions for me in my 20s was changing teams after I got so used to one but finding myself miserable since I was having such a difficult time getting along with some of my colleagues. It can make a world of difference in how much we enjoy our work to be able to get along reasonably well with everyone.
I just don’t get what’s the problem since no one else has experienced this kind of treatment so it must me somethings wrong with me
He offered to show me around once and seemed nervous, kept looking at the ground while talking to me as if he felt guilty about something.
Sometimes we just aren't compatible with certain people and sometimes certain people are just downright mean. If you're finding difficulties getting along in general with people around you, it might be worth seeking to improve your social skills, but if it's only in this isolated context, it might be more productive just to find better company.
It's always worth improving our social skills no matter what. It can improve your whole life, help you make friends, find the love of your life, get promotions, get along better with colleagues, etc. The whole world opened up to me in ways I never imagined when I started to overcome my shyness in university. But very important also if you're a highly accountable person is to recognize when you're not at fault, when others are clearly being unreasonable.
I don’t think it’s looks, but perhaps your aura and personality. Rather my male co-workers find me attractive or not, people at work usually likes my good energy and personality, we’re friendly and joke a lot. Maybe try to start from basics to greet and start conversations~
That is just the way it is. Looks matter and, if a woman, looks matter a lot.
So you think none of this would have happened if I looked better?
Are peaches fruit?
As if there weren’t any other explanations for this behaviour
If you filed a sexual harassment charge against a plump guy because he is not hot after he said "You dress looks nice on you," people will decide it is best to just leave you alone.