How can I get him back after he said he wants to be friends?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been talking to this guy online for over a year now and at one point we were talking like all day every day and he was wanting to meet me etc. (he lives thousands of miles away!)

But I just had this gut feeling that he was lying about something so I got to the bottom of it and figured out that it was his name. I was clumsy and he found out that I knew his identity and things haven’t been quite the same.

At first he would still send me sexy messages sometimes but lately he’s stopped and said that since I know his identity it makes him weary (he’s got a really important career) but that he still thinks I’m hot af and enjoys being friends.

He was kind of vague in his wording when I asked about why this had stopped saying he “may not be responsive” to sexual attention. And then that he still thought I was hot af and enjoyed my friendship. Do you think this vagueness is just him being polite?

I don’t want to push it any more but any ideas about what I could do to get him back? I really want to meet him.

[HollyK21]

For him to switch up so drastically once you found out his identify means he was trying to protect it, so why would he have actually met you in person? He’s been stringing you along for 2 years, fueling your head with fantasies and you’re like addicted to it now despite that big red flag, big fat lie. It takes a broken mind to still want to win over a man like this.

[Asker]

Thanks this makes me feel better. I’m always feeling like the bad guy in this situation but even though I was a creep I hated that he asked my name and then gave me a fake one.

[Asker]

@hollyk21 also it’s weird because he acted ok with it for like 6 months and then suddenly was not? I just can’t figure out what changed :/

[HollyK21]

What I hate to see is you feeling bad and shaming yourself for discovering his identity, like you clumsily stumbled upon it. That isn’t an “oops my fault I was being creepy”, he was keeping a huge piece of his identity from you and that was sooo not ok. He never wanted you to discover who he was, and intended to waste even more of your time. I’m glad he had some sort of empathy hit him in the head after those 6 months, but up until then he was just using you for sexting. I mean look at this, you feel rejected and confused by the lack of sexy talk and to me that shows how much it substantiated your relationship. That was all he really wanted girl, someone to fantasize with, even meeting in person I’m sure he spoke a lot about hotel accommodation’s and what you’d do within one. Not so much the dates you’d go on or how he was looking forward to spending time with you finally. There’s no romance in that, just a slimeball of a man trying to get his fix.

[Asker]

See that’s the thing, it was totally the opposite.. he’d romanticize how he’d worship me, how we’d move to the suburbs together and have a family, buy me pretty clothes and take me out to fancy restaurants… sending me pics of jacuzzis in condos he was looking at buying and how good I would look there…tell me I deserved the world… it wasn’t just the sexting part that dragged me in. It was like this guy telling me literally everything I want to hear and on top of it we share the same sexual fantasies. I just can’t wrap my head around it and it’s hard for me to let go 😢 @hollyk21

[HollyK21]

So not quite the “total” opposite, just not exact to what I said, and that’s totally fine. I can just see this guy for what he is, which is a manipulative user who says what women want to hear in exchange for sexual conversations, photos or whatever else was done virtually. You weren’t wrong to fall for this person because he was saying all the right things, but it just wasn’t real. Fantasies aren’t reality, and you must learn to separate the two. This guy isn’t who he says he is, and isn’t going to give you what he was previously offering, which is something you must recognize and accept. Of course it’s hurtful and I know it’s hard to let go because you really want all this to pay off. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes people come into our lives specifically to teach us something and then their role is done. I feel like you can say you’ve learned a lot from this experience, both about yourself and what to avoid in the future. One of my best friends went through this with a guy she met through gaming and they did the merry go round for nearly 6 years. There wasn’t a straw that broke the camels back until she flew to his town, got a room for them and then got stood up. It shouldn’t have taken all that to happen but it did. Hopefully it’s not that way for you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much! Hopefully I can make peace with this and move on ❤️

[Staximus]

Stop wasting your time with this fake online long distance relationship bullshit where you're never going to see the guy. Go outside into the real world and find a guy that lives near you, or find a guy online that lives near you so you can see him whenever you want.

[StevenMcGarrett]

Hmm, just explain to him that you are sorry about finding out his identity but you are so into him that you needed to know. Tell him that you really want to see him and what he wants when he sees you. Good luck.

[In_Trance]

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