What does it mean when a guy kisses you on the cheeks, caresses you and touches your hair and ears while dancing and then go distant?

[Anonymous]

I went to this dance festival where I met a guy I knew from the previous year. We stayed in touch. Before the festival he told me he was down, but once there we danced again and it was a very close and intimate dance with him caressing different parts of me and kissing me on the cheeks and forehead and coming very close to my lips… At the end of one dance I asked him to promise me not to kiss me on the lips (I am in a relationship!) he said “okay”, and then got distant. After the festival he told me he had a conversation with his friend and he was down because this friend of his doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, implying this person was not me (he said he spoke to her after the festival, we greeted at the festival and then we returned to our countries). How could he have possibly danced so close to me if he was so heartbroken for this other person? he told me he was down before the festival and at first I could see he was! I am just very confused on what he wanted from me! Any ideas?

[SueShe]

Being down after what happened to him, he sought for a substitute and found you. Your mistake was to allow him to get that close, obviously giving him a signal that you are not immune to his approach.

When you then told him not to kiss you, it was the blow to not only his ego but also to the fact that you let him in so close and then pushed him away.

He was hoping to get into your pants and you denied him that right at the last second. He is obviously going to be a little upset and more distant after having been rejected while you did nothing to prevent him to get too close to you.

[Asker]

There was a long history of us talking about the dances, as we danced together the year before and we also danced close (although not as close), so he knew I was interested in dancing with him and open to experience his style of dancing (we dance a specific dance that has many different styles). He also knew I have a sort of dance crush on him (specific term to define some person who you really like to dance with), and he also knows dancing is a sacred space for me, and I usually don’t dance so close as I do with him with others, as dancing so close makes me really vulnerable. I considered him a friend, and we signed up to the festival together. I wouldn’t have expected to be used as a substitute for just having fun one night really. The kind of connection I felt was better than that, and I trusted him. Question is at this point I don’t know what he really felt, and what his reasons were. I don’t think he can blame me for anything as I have been clear with my boundaries before and he knew well I was in a relationship long before starting to dance with me this year.

[SueShe]

The way I see it is that he felt more confident after having danced with you for 2 consecutive years and he thought that perhaps, your feelings towards him may have changed and that you looked for something more intimate than just dancing.

In the future, I believe he is more likely to distance himself when dancing with you if that occasion arises again because he is aware that you will not allow him to get too close emotionally to you.

[Asker]

I see, the fact is we did have one last dance after that conversation and it was as intimate as the other dances, so he didn’t seem to have distanced himself in the dance specifically. It truly is a weird situation and I am genuinely confused!

[Nikki1989]

He is probably just seeking comfort or validation.

[Anonymous]

He was likely attracted to you and emotionally vulnerable, leading to intimate dancing. Your boundary about kissing his lips made him pull back, possibly out of respect or to deal with his feelings for another person. He's probably emotionally conflicted.

[In_Trance]

It means you gave him nothing in return

[Asker]

I don’t see it this way, I did initiate contact in the dances a few times (although not as much as him, things like placing my hand on his chest to coordinate our breath, which is a gesture he often invites and I knew he would have welcomed…). Also both last year and this year I wrote some poetry about our dances, which I think shows how meaningful they were for me, and I have been open throughout these years in telling him how these dances made me feel, aside this conversation about boundaries, I mentioned many times how important and meaningful both these dances and our friendship were to me.