Would you continue to be friends with a guy who told you they didn’t want you to call them by their real name (online)?

[Anonymous]

I met this guy online over a year ago now and found out that he told me a pseudonym instead of his real name. For a long time he just played it cool but a few months ago he told me that he wasn’t comfortable with me calling him by his real name and now he’s putting me in the friend-zone after he had told me that he wanted to meet me in real life. I honestly am feeling unwanted, humiliated and inferior although I can understand why he felt threatened by me finding this out.

Part of me wants to hold on and see if with time he is able to trust me again but I also feel so hurt that I’m wanting to let go. What should I do? Also do I say goodbye or ghost him?

Wait and see if he comes around.

Ghost him, he doesn’t deserve an explanation.

Say goodbye, you’ve been talking for over a year.

[RandomUser1000]

Not sure exactly what happened.

But if it's like he's trying to be anonymous online and you're doxxing him.
Then it's understandable if he gets upset and maybe don't trust you anymore.

The other part about friendzone.

If he friendzones you and you are not interested in just being friends,
then maybe you should say goodbye?

[Asker]

@randomuser1000 I mean of course I would never go out and share his personal information or things about him with others online, I think generally he’s very wary of that though.

He told me that he might not respond much to sexual messages because even though he knew I’d never tell anybody that he just gets a gut feeling that’s hard to get over. Honestly kind of confusing to me though because he literally still sexted me for a solid six months after I found out.

Then he said he still thought I was hot af and he liked being my friend. I don't know I felt like he was being a little vague and I can’t tell if it was out of politeness or if he’s still not sure about how he feels.

[RandomUser1000]

@septemberintherain
It seems like he sends mixed signals.
Probably not to interested in you.
But I don't actually know how he feels or what he thinks. So I could be wrong.

[Asker]

@randomuser1000 I just don’t get why he wouldn’t be more straightforward? Out of niceness?

[RandomUser1000]

@septemberintherain
Trying to be nice (out of niceness as you said) is one possibility.
Maybe he's afraid to say what he thinks or wants?
Having you as some kind of backup alternative is another possibility.

[Asker]

@randomuser1000 yeah it’s really just so hard to say what’s going through his head. Part of me thinks he doesn’t even know what he wants lol

I left the site where we were talking and sent a goodbye and the messenger where he could find me cuz I didn’t want him to feel like it was about him and he messaged me right away… honestly was kind of hoping he was going to let it go then.

[CheeseMonster]

Have you never met someone who doesn't go by their legal first name before?

The fact he knows you know his "real" name and still wants you to call him what he introduced himself as makes this not sound like a situation of him lying, rather sounds like he just has a preference and didn't expect you to have a problem with it.

[Asker]

@cheesemonster the thing is he goes by his real name, not this one, so it just feels like a big I don’t like you that much. I dunno maybe I’m taking it too personally.

[CheeseMonster]

Oh, that could be a red flag then. Personally I go by different names in my personal and professional life, because professionally it's easier to go by my legal name even though it's not my preferred one. Maybe he does something similar? I know it felt weird for me to hear the dentist call what my family calls me, and it would be weird if my church friends started calling me what my work friends call me. I can't really think of a reason why he would ask you to use a different name when he knows you know another name he uses besides just preference though. It doesn't make sense to me to do it just because you don't like them.

[Asker]

@cheesemonster I’ll have to ask him if it’s something like that. I know at one point it was like a stage name of his but he doesn’t use it on any of his socials so that makes me think that his friends call him his real name. When I asked him which he preferred he was very dry with me and literally just one word answered me the name so I didn’t feel comfortable asking any more details.

[HelpfulWoman]

did you meet and start talking with the intention of dating? if yes, time to cut ties with a simple message as to why.
if not, then you're the one putting expectations on. if he actually gave name that wasn't his aside from a username style, then may be time to ditch.

[Asker]

@helpfulwoman yeah it’s complicated. It wasn’t on a dating site but he said hi my name is ____ what’s yours? And then got saying he wanted to meet me and take me out and who knows maybe I’m the one. Just hurts when someone asks you something they’re not willing to give themselves.

[Asker]

@helpfulwoman also he claims it’s not a lie that it’s his middle name..

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You could just talk about it instead of bailing like a coward. It could just be that he’s comfortable in his anonymity more than being exposed, which is super normal for talking with people online. Confront the issue before you run from it.

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer I want to but I’m afraid to push him even further away. He literally sent me a one word message and started acting weird when I asked politely which he preferred me to call him. Pretty sure it’s how I landed myself in the friend-zone… any suggestions on how to approach the conversation?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Be honest, tell him you’re hurt. A friend once confronted me with that vulnerability because I had hurt him without knowing. Now we’re closer than ever. Explain how you feel, your expectations, ask if that’s no longer the case with him and why. It’s not going to be pleasant no matter what you do or say, there’s nothing to “soften” this for you. If he really is willing to drop you that quickly then he never wanted you to begin with and you can leave the relationship knowing you did everything you could and have that closure

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer Thank you for the advice! I’ve been working on a message like this but I keep rewriting trying to make sure I’m using I messages etc because I don’t want to come off as attacking him or anything.

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer Also trying to find the right time. Less than a month ago I asked him why things had been so platonic between us recently and he said he might not respond much to sexual messages because even though he knew I’d never tell anybody that he just gets a gut feeling that’s hard to get over.

Honestly kind of confusing to me though because he literally still sexted me for a solid six months after I found out.

Then he said he still thought I was hot af and he liked being my friend. I don't know I felt like he was being a little vague and I can’t tell if it was out of politeness or if he’s still not sure about how he feels. Just a little context for you! But ultimately I think I need to just say what’s on my mind.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I wouldn’t worry about his feelings when yours are the main focus rn

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer thank you! Makes sense! I guess I’m just struggling with my feelings because there’s a part of me that also feels like what I did was wrong finding out his identity and then it makes me think that maybe my feelings aren’t valid because of that.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Your feelings are always valid, it’s the validity of your actions that get called into question

[Asker]

@cupcakethedestroyer This is true. I guess it’s one of those scenarios where I understand why he feels uncomfortable with me and I regret it, but I can’t change it and my feelings are still hurt and I don’t really feel that I can be his friends under the circumstances. Like you said, no way to soften the fall really!

[Anonymous]

Ghost him and marry me. I will treat you like a queen 😍 I swear that ❤️

[Asker]

Ok little blue man 🤣