Guys, Shutting down?

[Anonymous]

my husband shuts down (closes his eyes, looks like he's half asleep) whenever I have a hard time with something emotionally. Why? Am I being manipulated?

[Communicationisking]

No body can answer you exactly but I can throw out some things that it might be.

He isn't emotionally able to understand why said thing bothers you

He has a lot on his own plate and is not able to take on any more emotion as he is trying to deal with his own things he has going on. Are you both going through a stressful time? no need to answer but ask yourself.

Are you calm when bringing up whatever it is your having a hard time with?

He is possibly just trying to process what you are saying and not dismissing what you have to say. Does he listen, does he respond or does he give some helpful ideas to help with your dilemma either right away or after some time thinking it over?

Is this at anytime or does this happen say as soon as he gets home from work and come right at him with your emotional worries? I know when I have had a shit day at work then traveled a million miles home in traffic then finally get home or wherever and see my partner I want it to be the best part of my day not an extension of a bad day by being bombarded with more problems, I want a hug and a kiss and to feel like my partner feels the same. My partner and I usually know if the other has had a shit day because we talk a lot so try to make each other feel awesome as soon as we see each other.

If you could share an example even a hypothetical one it would make it easier to help with your question. Also have you asked your hubby why he does this?

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the context of what situations it's happening in. My ex had a "hard time" when I finally stood up for myself and refused to fetch her something to drink when I was tired in bed. She wanted to make it seem like me not serving her meant I didn't love her anymore. Instead of fighting, my nervous system shut down and I just took a nap. She got it herself for the first time in years.

Not saying that's you, just saying there could be situations where he's genuinely overloaded with emotional stress you could be bringing (not saying you are for sure) and he shuts down.

[strateguy632]

Because he feels you are a burden. Chat with a gal. That is not :"manipulation" it is escaping your burden.

[spartan55]

Maybe you get emotional too much.

[Asker]

This is a totally obtuse response. Next.

[spartan55]

Lol... right. Self awareness is a wonderful thing. Couldn't be your fault, right? 😂

[Asker]

Someone else's choices aren't my fault. That's on him. I'm just trying to understand. There's no need to be rude. I'm literally at my last whim and last ditch effort.

[spartan55]

Not being rude, you called me obtuse wtf? Give me some examples of what you get emotional about, how often you get that way, how does the typical discussion go?

[Asker]

It's mostly just needing reassurance. It doesn't happen all the time. He's not a big communicator so I feel like I have to guess what's going on a lot. I was crying yesterday because I don't want to carry the emotional responsibility of the marriage alone and I feel like I am. I don't want to lose him. I was crying because it's just been a hard time. He didn't even acknowledge me, he just closed his eyes with our daughter in his arms and ignored me. That's how the typical discussion goes. There isn't one.

[spartan55]

Okay, do you give him what he needs? Appreciation and respect are something men are usually starving for. You crying probably feels emotionally manipulative to him, especially if you pull that card often.

[Asker]

I don't cry intentionally. It just kind of happened. And I doubt I give him what he needs because I don't know what he needs 🤷🏼‍♀️ I try to extend appreciation as much as I can.

[Asker]

Also, if someone believes genuine emotion is manipulation then it sounds like they've got some personal issues to sort through.

[Asker]

Also - if I knew what he needed I'd try my best to give it to him. He doesn't tell me when I ask or he tells me he doesn't know. So it's not like I can satisfy anything.

[spartan55]

I don't want you to think I am defending him, because clearly he isn't the best communicator. Have you always been emotional and cry during moments? Has he always been bad at communicating?
You say you don't know what he wants, have you done a deep dive and had a discussion about it? Have you asked?

[spartan55]

He doesn't know? That's a weird response. Okay, well if you feel like you've honestly tried everything have you suggested couples counseling?

[Asker]

Yes and he said he will go. I'm just really kind of broken up over how he's treating me. He's been very attentive etc up until last night. No I don't always cry. Yes I express emotions. I'm an honest person. But yeah I've asked before and he just usually says he doesn't know.

[spartan55]

If he is willing to go to counseling then set it up and see if he walks the walk. He might just be placating you.

[Asker]

I was going to wait and see if we could set it up together. Should I just do it that way I'm not waiting around?

[spartan55]

So he just completely flipped from his normal personality?

[spartan55]

Set it up together? Like you both have one hand on the phone? Take the lead, I doubt he will do it.

[Asker]

Yes. This happens often. He will be attentive, patient, kind, loving for like a week or two weeks at a time. Sometimes longer. Then reverts to being cold, distant, shut down. Out of seemingly nowhere. Where nothing between us has really changed, other than me asking for reassurance. It's bizarre. I used to get really worked up over it, and react poorly. These days I'm just quiet, I talk quietly and firmly/gently. But I'm not doing anything to trigger this. I've checked. So yes. He flipped his personality.

[spartan55]

Something is up with him and it sounds like he needs to talk to a therapist. I don't like jumping to that conclusion, but the way you present it makes it my recommendation.

[Asker]

Are you able to direct message me? It won't let me message you.

[Asker]

I'll comment my username I didn't even realize this was anonymous. It's aquagirl30

[spartan55]

Yeah sure, stand by

[Asker]

Thank you. I have a question but I don't think it needs to just be on the thread. Maybe we can just have a conversation back and forth because I think I see what you're saying and I've had my own thoughts as well.