Why do guys shut down when they are stressed or have a lot going on?

[AmazingFedUp2016]

My boyfriend always shuts down when he is stressed. If you ask how he is doing, how things are going, or what you can do to help he won't answer. However, he will ask how I am doing and what I am doing. He still wants to know what is going on with me and has an interest in what I am doing.

Updates

+1 y

I did talk to him and he said he didn't know if wants me or not because his daughter doesn't want him dating anyone. His daughter would be upset if we were together. He says he doesn't know what is best and he doesn't want to make any type of major decisions and he thought we could just be friends for now. He doesn't know when he will be able to decide and to just give him space and room to breathe.

Updates

+1 y

I told him sure I will give you all the space you need I am not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't think I am worthy and can't decide if I am worth it I will just move on. But thank you for telling me the truth. Wish you luck with everything in your life. Hope you can get everything you want in life. Bye Bye.

[Boredandconfused]

Ugh, I hate this too. My boyfriend is the same way. However, I've learned the best way to deal with this is to literally just let him be. When I sense he is stressed (regardless of what's going on in his life or how serious it is) I never question him. I MIGHT ask if he's ok and he'll either say yes I'm fine, or he'll use it as an opportunity to talk about what's bothering him. If he just says yes I'm fine then I take that as a hint he doesn't want to talk about it and I drop it right away. I'll usually give him a lot more space during these times. The more space I give him the less time it seems he needs to get out of his little rut and come back his usual happy self.

[guyngals]

If there's something wrong with him, the goal is for him to feel better. If being alone for a while makes him feel better, leave him alone. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

[Boredandconfused]

@guyngals um I'm not exactly sure if you read my post but that's exactly what I said...

[guyngals]

Good!

[AmazingFedUp2016]

@guyngals well first off all he hasn't talked to me hardly in a month. He often has decided that he wants me and doesn't want me. Has cheated on me multiple times. It isn't a rut. I figured something was up and I was right. He told me he doesn't know if he wants me and just wants to be friends for now because his daughter doesn't want him dating anyone. This man has let me down way too much.

[Boredandconfused]

Well that type of information would have been useful in the first post :p a cheater and someone who constantly lets you down is not the same as a man who just needs his own "man space"

[datingandconfused]

When you give him more space, and you say he takes less when you give it to him, how long does he usually stay shut down?

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different and deals differently. But sometimes stress can really effect us. Men aren't as multi tasking as us, they like to focus on one thing at a time and clear it up and move on to the next!
He probably doesn't want to talk about it Cuz he sees it as HIS issue, and most men don't really open up the way us ladies do either. Girls like to talk... about everything and it makes us feel better. Men, not so much.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

He use to ask me to help him sometimes. Thus, I am not sure why he is completely shutting me out now. I want to know how things are going on for him and help him.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes being shut out sucks!!! I feel your pain. Unfortunately it's not something we can control though and it's something very common among men.
Don't push, it'll just make things worse. Even if you're genuine about it and only care. It's tough. Hopefully he'll come around

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Well what can I do about it and get him to stop shutting me out other than just wait?

[Opinion Owner]

Not much :( I know it's frustrating but you can't force someone to talk to you, it will only push them farther away.
Give him space and time and he should come around

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Just how much space and time should I give him? We have not had much communication in the past month nor seen each other. I am beginning to feel like he doesn't want me or that he wants his ex. He just tells me he is sorry he is really busy. It is getting really disheartening.

[Opinion Owner]

I wouldn't initiate contact. Especially because he is making 0 effort to talk to you. No one is that busy that they can't touch base once in a while, a text saying hello takes seconds.
I can understand how you're feeling. We feel a lot of different emotions when we feel shut out. I have been dealing with a similar situation and for me it's been 2.5 months and while it's getting easier it's still tough. Have you ever read up about this type of behavior? It's very interesting and you may feel that you can relate to some of the things they say. When was the last time you contacted him and did he respond?
My best advice is keeping busy in the mean time so it doesn't take over your world. I think you definitely deserve answers to why he's been MIA for a month, its disrespectful. When people act this way, it's not because of you, it's Cuz of who they are and how they deal with things.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Sometimes he will respond. I asked him if there was something that made him rethink the relationship and he said no sorry I am just super busy. I talked to him a couple of days ago and he asked questions about me but would not answer any questions about him I asked. I said that I was proud of him for how hard he works and all he does but I wish he could connect as I felt like he was shutting me out. I told him that last night. I don't really understand this type of behavior. I have read some about it. The only thing I can think is that he is no longer interested in me or interested in someone else.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes that's the conclusion I came to as well in my case and I believe I was right and it took me wayyyyyy too long to accept it.
Men won't come out and tell you how they're feeling in a case like that because they find it awkward and like to avoid confrontation. My guy was passive aggressive and he did the slow fade out (never initiating contact but responding to mine) and eventually shut me out with radio silence. He's someone I still had to see a few times a week up until today. He would act normal in person and then be someone completely different via text. I think these kind of guys are cowards and immature. They aren't able to communicate properly and so they just assume that it's easier to not bother and hope we give up.
A boyfriend shouldn't allow days to go by without talking to you, when you stop reaching out he is gonna wonder why and he'll show more interest. Ugh these situations suck!! I feel for you

[Opinion Owner]

I should also mention that it's even more frustrating when we're dealing with grown ass men here!!!

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Yeah I believe he is probably wanting to be involved with his ex. I could believe a week or two to need some space but beyond that he is just avoiding me. I think he just wants to avoid the conversation all together and then when he gets bored of his ex he can come back. That is what he has done a lot in the past.

[Opinion Owner]

Well first off I learned the hard way that we should always trust our gut instincts! I let mine down and went with my heart and what I wanted and chose to be blind to what was really going on. The entire time I spent with my guy, something was off. I always had excuses for his behavior and now I sit here feeling stupid.
I did the reaching out as well and sometimes didn't get responses and it honestly drives you to try harder because we all want what we "can't have". We feel the need to pursue more and it's a bad idea.
Even though it's driving you crazy, sometimes it's best to gather our self respect and dignity and leave them be. If they wanted to talk they would, if they were interested they'd make the effort. Everything in between is excuses. After 2 months of not being asked to hang out when we typically did and no initiating contact on his end, I too was told he's been busy and I should stop being a girl and reading into it. a normal person would be wondering what's up obviously

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Yeah after a while being busy is an excuse. I think it is just time to move on and leave him behind. If someone isn't invested in a relationship I can't force them to be. Clearly he wants out but is too much of a coward to tell me. But then again I have to think if I continue to want to deal with this. He may come back again and act interested but then will pull the same crap again. This isn't the first time he has done this.

[Opinion Owner]

You're right it's a vicious cycle if you let it be. When we show that were ok and forgiving for them not speaking to us for a month, it teaches them how to treat us and what they can get away with.
Was silent treatment a big part of your relationship at all in regards to shutting down?

Sometimes we already know what's going on but we want them to say what it is for our own sake and closure, we love closure! It's accepting that we may not/probably won't receive it that's the hard part.
Was your guy always emotionally unavailable in regards to his own feelings? Or was it just with problems that stressed him out?

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Haha yeah he would either give me the silent treatment or bombard me with angry text messages. He just has problems in general. He is not an easy person to be in a relationship with at all. He is an emotional roller coaster. Loving on second, mad the next, explosive the next, jealous the next, apologizing the next, ignoring the next. I never quite know what I will get.

[Opinion Owner]

That was mine as well, which is why I asked. When I researched his behavior I came upon narcissism. Mine was more covert and quiet but he fits the mold!! Ever read about that?
The stages of their game had me nodding my head as I read through it.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Yeah I have been told that he is. I did talk to him and he said he didn't know if wants me or not because his daughter doesn't want him dating anyone. His daughter would be upset if we were together. He says he doesn't know what is best and he doesn't want to make any type of major decisions and he thought we could just be friends for now. He doesn't know when he will be able to decide and to just give him space and room to breathe. I told him sure I will give you all the space you need I am not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't think I am worthy and can't decide if I am worth it I will just move on. But thank you for telling me the truth. Wish you luck with everything in your life. Hope you can get everything you want in life. Bye Bye.

[Opinion Owner]

Sometimes these types leave a foot in the door so they're able to come back with no issues. How old is his daughter? He's a grown man and should be able to make his own decisions. I'm glad you told him that you're not gonna waste time waiting but you'll give him space. When they know you're gonna be there they don't get a thrill out it because they don't have to chase you. I'd just not contact for a while and let him wonder where ya went and want your up to. If he's seriously narcissistic though, I would run miles away lol!!! They're brutal.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

She is 12, and yeah that sounds exactly like him.

[00Lelouchxx]

Leave me the fuck alone the only person that can help me is me.

Don't pester me your making it worse by saying stuff I already know or stuff I don't wanna hear.

I'll come to u when I come to u. That how most guys operate. we as men never failed and got coddled we get up and try again. not saying woman get fiddle but if a woman fails then its OK

This better get most helpful

[AmazingFedUp2016]

That is assuming that there is an actual issue they were dealing with and they are actually being truthful and not just trying to avoid someone to break up with them, cheating, or seeing someone else at the same time. Chances are they are hiding something as most men are shady.

[00Lelouchxx]

Cheating is different I'm gonna smile in ur face and act like everything normal around u.

I never broke up with any one before I texted and block people if I wanted to. so I don't know how that goes.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

90% of time it seems like when a guy ignores a girl for an extended period of time it is because they want to break up and are just to coward to do it.

[00Lelouchxx]

Just text them and be like
" I had a great time and I'm not good enough for u and I think its time I stop holding u back u deserve better Mary" Mary was the girl I did this too then I blocked her we dated for two, and half months )

Good bye Mary

Then block their face book twitter instagram and phone number and pray u never see them again

[AmazingFedUp2016]

That is the problem people are not truthful. He has given me a line like that before. If people were truthful things would be much easier. If you look up at the update I posted I already did that.

[00Lelouchxx]

He has a kid I'm assuimg is like 7-8 right u knew what u wee getting into.

Just block him and move on. Some people eitherlie the drama or not honest with them self or don't know how to word thing

[abc3643]

It is a long story to give a proper reply and I don't have time to explain it, but accept it as it is part if who we are.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Lol. I get it is how guys are just wondering why.

[abc3643]

It is a long story. I might respond later but I can fully explain it.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Okay I just don't get it sometimes he asks me to help him other times he just goes off into his cave.

[orphanedmind]

... and the more stressed women become, the more they want to communicate with other people. Opposite reaction from women. That's another thing to ask about.

[Anonymous]

Because it makes him look weak. I've tried to open up to girls and they end up judging me and lose interest. When I shut up about my issues, that doesn't happen.

[AmazingFedUp2016]

Do you think he is maybe upset that I have time to have fun and pursue my goals while he is off working day and night and doesn't get to see me?

[Opinion Owner]

Well of course. That can be frustrating

[thatkaruguy]

because we dont want to talk about it