It's honestly giving me emotionally unavailable vibes which I hate.
Why do some guys shut down completely when they feel bad?
It's honestly giving me emotionally unavailable vibes which I hate.
That question shows a degree of empathy men unused to receiving from women so he's lucky to have you. If it is something that he thinks, defines him or can be important enough to shake self esteem are often the result of men not feeling like they have met the standards for desirability That's a big one for guys. Though it shouldn't be any surprise, men feel that they should be the primary breadwinner. In many ways, it's no longer the case. So any problem along those lines could cause a guy to shut down. It could be financial, is it possible he lost a job, didn't get a promotion or other bad news as far as money goes? When men feel lie they may not be alpha in the amount of wealth they can create and the lifestyle they can provide as the working spouse in a couple.
If you're willing to do the effort of deliberately building trust between the two of you, keep doing that. If you can make it clear that you're there to help without judgment until the trust is established enough for him to open up about what is bothering him. Don't try to find out right away, building trust needs to have fidelity to it and not used as a shortcut to get information. It's so far above stand-up, what it seems you are trying that I envy the lucky recipient.
Ok thank you and yes I think its job related but he didn't go into details about it. Like you said I have to build trust with him.
everyone has their own way to deal with things...
and most of the times, they have experience with the things that have worked, and have not worked... so he probably opened up a few times before, and it went bad or wrong for him
maybe the times he kept it to himself, he was able to get out of it much better or quicker...
right now... patience, tolerance and understanding should be your approach... not pressuring or judging him for it, no
Right. I'm not being pushy at all. I just told him if he wants to talk about it I'm here for him and only a phone call away. He just said thank you just now.
that should suffice for now... maybe it's something he really thinks he has under control, and maybe he actually does, he only needs some time, and not to bother you or anyone else with it
Yes I guess so and I will give him that. I want him to be able to trust me and feel comfortable with me.
and maybe he does call you after all and opens up, or he gets over it... time will tell
Yeah maybe so. Either way I'm here for him.
good, great (=
Let's help the lovebirds stay afloat! 😃 When a guy shuts down, it's like he's retreated to his inner fortressāa classic defense mechanism. Sometimes, it's like they're trying to sort through the emotional chaos without dragging you into their storm. It can come off as emotionally unavailable, but patience and understanding can unlock those walls. They need to feel safe sharing, so gentle persistence might work wonders. Keep being that warm, inviting presence! 🍀ā¤ļø
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If you don't like the vibes you get from someone you're dating, then you can always leave. But just know that the majority of people have baggage to an extent. Some people prefer space when they're feeling down and others prefer to have outlets. He's clearly the former.
No one is perfect. If you can't be there when your partner is down to support them, then the relationship is probably not for you.
Most of us are emotionally unavailable. Opening up presents risks and possible losses. Never letting any emotions besides happiness, hate, and discontent show are the path to success. I don't do happiness well either.
There's a reason stoicism is so valued and embraced among men. It is ideal. Most of us have a memory or three of being told to open up, letting our guard down to those soft squishy bits, and then being hurt over it.
It's better to just not get hurt, and have a beer.
Men sometimes shut down completely when feeling bad because it's often a learned coping mechanism, stemming from societal expectations that encourage them to suppress emotions and "be tough," leading to internalizing feelings rather than openly expressing them; this can manifest as emotional withdrawal as a defense mechanism against overwhelming emotions.
Key points about this behavior:
Social conditioning:
From a young age, boys are often taught to hide their emotions and appear strong, which can lead to a pattern of shutting down when faced with difficult feelings.
Fear of vulnerability:
Many men fear being perceived as weak or inadequate if they express their emotions openly, causing them to withdraw instead.
Psychological defense mechanism:
Emotional shutdown acts as a way to protect oneself from intense emotions by disengaging from the situation.
What to do if someone you know shuts down:
Validate their feelings:
Let them know you understand they are struggling and that it's okay to feel the way they do.
Give them space:
Sometimes, people need time to process their emotions alone before opening up.
Communicate openly:
When they're ready, encourage them to talk about what they're feeling, without judgment.
Seek professional help:
If the pattern of shutting down is significantly impacting their life or relationships, consider seeking therapy to explore healthier coping mechanisms.
A lot of men are severely lacking in emotional intellect to the point that any criticism or perceived criticism (ie telling them their actions made you feel bad) is seen as a personal attack. And in order to avoid being seen as aggressive they prefer to shut down because they havenāt yet figured out a practical solution to the emotional issue presented before them, assuming practicality can solve it rather than understanding communicating emotions is the best way to process and solve emotional issues.
for me...
there are things that i want to talk about with someone. i want to bounce ideas and get advice from.
there are also problems that maybe too shameful to share and so i close up and deal with on my own.
when you go to bed with him tonight. try this. hold him. you have a sensitive man who is used to being strong. he's confused and doesn't know how to deal with this. and he doesn't want to seem weak. he needs you and he needs you to be strong. he needs to know that someone has his back for whatever he's going through. don't say anything. but you have to be the bigger spoon. hold him. hold him until he talks to you.
Tell me about it. Last year my dude threw a temper tantrum so bad that he blocked/ghosted me on everything for the remainder of the day (not even 24 hrs). I never met a dude who did that, let alone came back whining ātake me back, i was just madā. Like thats a new level of childish
Indeed it is.
It's possibly a learned behavior.
Sometimes guys grow up without anybody to rely on, and nobody to confide in, or even worse, they DO open up to someone who turns around and hurts them.
When that happens, they'll shut down, because they don't know what else to do, until they manage to work through whatever the problem is.
Yeah I realize that and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can be without being pushy and overdoing it. I just wish he could open up a bit but I guess it could be a learned behavior like you said.
Why do you want something from him when he's the one in pain ("he's giving me nothing")? Just let him deal with it without judging him for the way he copes. If there's a practical way you can help with whatever it is, maybe ask if he'd like you to do it, but don't push it.
I just want him to open up a bit. I'm a very open person and will express my emotions but I know not everyone can be that way especially guys but I just wish he would open up a little bit. That's what I mean by not giving me anything. I'm trying really hard to he there for him without being pushy because I know how it feels to be in a very bad place. I was just there 3 weeks ago. Shutting down is just not the answer. It just makes you feel worse. I'm not judging. I understand how he may be feeling and just wish he could understand that.
I'm assuming it's because he didn't get the job he wanted. He didn't exactly say if he got the job because he said he didn't want to talk about it when I asked how did it go the other day. He just said he wanted to die. So I am assuming from that that he didn't get it and it's making him feel depressed. I just wish he would open up about it. I've been there and I understand completely about bombing job interviews.
Ok I'll do that.
Good luck. FWIW, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less, he's just trying to heal.
Personally, in that situation, I wouldn't want to hear "you'll do better next time", I'd prefer "the next lot might understand you better" or something that wouldn't put the onus on me. I always hated interviews; the one where I didn't really want the job was my most successful.
Thanks and he did just respond to me saying thank you for wanting to be there but I guess he's just not ready to open up fully yet but I'm patient and can wait until he is ready.
For the same reason SOME women shut down (lose attraction) in a man when he shares (or in her estimation OVERSHARES) his feelings. Guys learn pretty quickly with most women that her problems are his and her's problems. But his problems are SOLELY his problems. And after a few times of sharing his problems in relationships, and getting rebuffed for it. He learns to not do it anymore.
Understand also that sharing feelings is what women do. Men are more problem solvers. A woman is more likely to talk about feelings that arise from a problem while guys are more likely to want to be silent and work the problem. This is why guys get annoyed/angry. When women just want to complain about a problem. Because a guy just wants to fix the problem and be done with it.
Men are basically told by society since we're born that we're supposed to be tough handle our own problems and crying and being emotional as a man is seen as weird. I know this for a fact I've lived it all. You're basically trying to help a guy who has been programed from birth that to be a real man he has to keep his mouth shut and pretend everything is fine.
Edit: Also, it's not uncommon for men that have opened up to get burned and hurt when they do. I've talked with people who literally got dumped for being too emotional because their girlfriend badgered them into opening up and when he finally did, she just went "Ugh too much baggage" and left. A lot of the time even if it isn't outright scorned it's often simply not taken seriously and it's brushed off like it doesn't matter. Simply put men don't talk because the double standard in our society burns them out.
Been there, done that, not entirely over it. It's a result of childhood neglect or abuse. He doesn't feel safe showing weakness. Just telling him it's ok won't fix it, as this behavior has probably been going on since before puberty. A counselor could help if he's willing. One helped me.
me too, in same situations, i feel bullshit and useless, or think it's my problem that she prefers to shut down, but in my opinion we should understand them, they try to say no word, to not awaking their inner monster, or perhaps they tend to not breaking limitations or bothering others, they tend to keep their distance. so, we should keep our distance too and respect to each other privacy wall!
Itās hard to say. People handle things in their own way. Sometimes they just need time. Other times they have to want to heal in order to do so
Oh ok thanks.
Some guys just need a moment or two to think things through. I think ladies find it easier to talk things through right there and then.
Guys gotta process emotional stuff and then come back to it.
But if it's quests? Yo I'll do quests all day.
Some people do this.(Both genders). Its a form that usually manifests in people who have past trauma either physical or emotional/mental. He probably wants to open up but is afraid, or ot ready. Professional help can help Immensely (speaking from personal experience.)
Communication is not something most men excel at. They are even worse at it when they have some kind of issue, especially emotional. It can be like drawing blood out of stone sometimes.
cause men tend to prefer solving their problems alone first before bothering everyone else with them. imagine it wasn't like that. society would never get shit done if everyone never even tried to fix their issues themself first.
This happens to me too. I think it's a defense mechanism. For me anyway. One has to be of the go getter mindset all the time rather than the fuck it all type. It becomes subconcious subconceous subcon... fuck it all I'm done.
When I feel bad, but can resolve it without your help, I will. I will call for help when I need it. Just minor gestures of service are
More than enough to keep me focused on the issue at hand.
Trust your gut.. most guys now are for the streets especially if he is good looking.
Guys are trained since birth to not show emotion.. When the bad things happen they are expected to man up and do what needs to be done.
Sometimes we just need a break to process stuff :)
Because they are feeling.
They are men trained not to feel and are overwhelmed when they can no longer ignore it.
I think a lot of men are very stoic anx practical. Shutting down emotions helps them do what needs to be done.
It's giving you emotionally unavailable vibes because that's what's going on.
They don't want to seem weak and sensitive i guess
Lack of trust. Some other woman he has been open with before has used it against him.
Itās learned behavior, a defense mechanism of sorts
I guess something is wrong about the time that they are holding in?
Because lashing out at people we care about is bad.
This is why humans will be extinct. Too many losers to count
Who your ex or this new guy?
The new guy
What's he feel bad about?
That's the thing. Not entirely sure but I think it's about not getting a job.
Hell get over soon, tomorrow is a new day :)
They don't know how to process emotions properly
Cause he's trying to not put his problems on you
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