Did I do the right thing dumping him?

[Anonymous]

I have been talking to this guy for 1 month. We finally arranged to meet today at 4p.

2.30p- i texted him i was leaving the house for the train station. I texted him updates along the way. He never replied. Thats ok.

2.50p- i arrive at train station.

3p- texted him "are you on your way?"

I knew it took him 1 hr for him to drive there by 4p.

I wanted to confirm before purchasing my ticket because there have been a lot of assholes who try to deliberately "stand people up". They schedule to meet, never show up.

I stood there for 20 minutes waiting for a confirmation text from him that he was on his way.

Finally I lost my patience and texted "why am I not hearing from you?"

3.16p- he final texted back "not yet"

Me: "So you're gonna be half an hr late?"

He replied "yes. I was closing down my business.."

Me: "And you're not gonna even tell me? Why do I need to chase you for this information?"

I just canceled the date and went home

[abc3643]

Hard to say here, but I have little problem with it.

Since he made an appointment, he has an obligation to plan his life in such a way that he meets his appointment on time. (It doesn't matter that it was a date with you, per se. This is just one example of an appointment. )

Generally, when you are making an appointment and keeping it by showing up on time, you are respecting the other people and the value they put on their time. And, when they show up on time, they are respecting you and the value that you place on your time.

OK, so he failed to make his appointment on time. Furthermore, he was not diligent in at least letting you know he was going to be late.
Two things here:
1. Generally, when one is late to an appointment or failed to show up, the late party should be given a chance to explain why they were late or didn't show up.
2. Similarly, they should be given an opportunity to explain why did they didn't let you know about the impending lateness or no-show.

Don't assume they are just immature assholes because, often, there are legitimate reasons. For example, I was supposed to pick up my wife at the airport in June 2024. About 2 hours before I was supposed to pick her up, I broke up a dog fight at my home and almost lost my fingertip, so I drove to the hospital emergency room and was not going to be able to get her. Worse, she was in flight and sick, so it was not easy to get to her. Ultimately, I did get a hold of her and she stayed over at a friend's who was traveling with her and I picked her up in the morning.

So, I think you should have given him a chance to explain. If not there, then, now that you are home, ask for details. What you want to know is...:
1) ... exactly why was he late. "I was closing down my business." is not acceptable without a good explanation. He should have planned to "close down [his] business" earlier knowing of his appointment with you. So, he may have "planned to fail because he failed to plan". Then again, maybe there was something exceptional here... some type of urgent situation that required him to keep it open longer.
2) ... why didn't he let you know he'd be late. Again, if he was in an urgent situation (or had no service), he may not have been able to take the time to let you know.

OK, so, frankly, I suspect this was not an urgent situation, but that is the only acceptable excuse for his failure here. You deserve to know what the story was. If he just slipped up, then that's disrespectful. Believe it or not, you are a "customer" and he's trying to "sell" a relationship with you. He should have treated you with that level of respect just like a real customer of his real business.

Now, you wrote two things:
"I just canceled the date and went home" and "dumping him".
So, what's the story? Are you considering another date or ruling him out now?
You should give him a chance to explain, but if he doesn't have a good explanation, then you are justified at not bothering with him going forward.
However, if you don't give him that chance to explain, then he will consider it as "dodging a bullet" with you because not giving him a chance to explain is a bit immature as well. Part of maturity is recognizing that life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. We all fail at times, but need to be given a chance to explain to those we have wronged. Rarely are their universal reasons for which further explanation is not warranted.

I hope this helped.
I'd like to know if there are any developments to this situation.
Good luck, young lady.

[Asker]

You dont understand... i dont have that much of a problem with him being late. More so a huge problem with him NOT LETTING ME KNOW he is going to be late

Being half an hr late to a date without a sudden emergency of some sort is already a red flag.

But leaving me hanging waiting 20 mins for a confirmation from him that he is on his way... is unacceptable

[DreamCrescent]

girlie, don’t feel bad. actually both are a problem.
he made plans with you. it’s his responsibility to show up on time.

in the event he can’t make it on time, it’s wonderful that you’re giving him grace. but the check in messages should have come from him

I’m sorry this happened to you and it sucks sometimes encountering rude or immature people while dating. let it roll off and get back into your zone

you didn’t do the wrong thing. cancelling and ending things with him are the right move. he would have ghosted you in the wrong run or at the very least continued stringing you along with his immaturity when he’s truly not invested.

he’s just not invested

[abc3643]

@asker No, I did understand and what I said still holds.

You wrote "Being 30 minutess late to a date without a sudden emergency of some sort is already a red flag."

Well, if it's a red flag for you, then move on. However, I can tell already: You are a Type A kind of woman. (That's a red flag for a lot of men.) Being 30 minutes late may suck, but it's a simple failing and people are human, but it should be a yellow flag, not a red flag. Doing it twice is a red flag. (*) So, you need to loosen up a bit or you will find that you are going to have relationship problems going forward.

(*) In STEM areas, we say "One data point doesn't imply anything. Two data points indicates a trend." So, in this case, if he's late without a good excuse once, OK, he screwed up, but he's human. But if he does it more than once, then his actions tell us about who he is and, from that, then you can begin to pass judgment and act accordingly.

[Asker]

@abc3643

You DID NOT READ what I wrote.

The problem wasn't with him being late. The problem was that he DID NOT BOTHER TELLING ME THAT HE WAS GONNA BE LATE.

ISN'T THAT RUDE?

[Asker]

@abc36433643
I'd say you're a red flag if you DONT think its rude to be half an hour late and not even tell the other person about it.

[abc3643]

What he did is wrong. Absolutely. I don't disagree with you there. But I think you are blowing it a bit out of proportion.

Young lady, remember these adages...

>>> People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks.
>>> Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone.

In other words, one day, you will make a similar error. You might not, but i doubt it because we are all human.

Again, though, if what he did is a red flag, then move on. I'm not going to tell you to stay with him or not and I am not going to tell you what or how you should feel.

But, I am going to give you one final adage - one I created myself:

>>> You are not who you think you are. You are who everyone else think's you are.

That's very important to understand. It's all about reputation. And, right now, you are gaining a reputation for being overreactionary. That can be dangerous for any future interpersonal relationships - romantic, friendly, or professional.

[Asker]

@abc3643

you think im blowing it out of proportion because it didn't happen to you.

I have posted this on 2 different websites for opinions and nobody said I was blowing it out of proportion except you

To be honest, reading your words, I think you are the red flag. Not me.

[abc3643]

Oh, you are right to be pissed and I don't have a problem with what you did.

Good luck, young lady.

[Anonymous]

More texting immaturity.