Why is my coworker trying to distract me when I’m grey rocking him?

[Anonymous]

A male coworker and I started developing interest for each other. With time, it got somewhat clear from team conversations that he may have a girlfriend. Since he didn’t mention a girlfriend himself, I assumed his interest in me is sincere.

Recently, he mentioned his girlfriend briefly in team setting and also gave me a romantic cue. I grey rocked him from next day to avoid triggering any breakups in his relationship or to get into a messy situation. It’s been a month now. We don’t work together so I’m able to work peacefully and efficiently.

However, I’ve noticed that in team meetings, when I keep my video on (which is not frequent) and am speaking, he either sends an unnecessary message in team meeting chat like brb, or turns his video off. When I’m speaking, in look at manager video tile but when he turns off video, my attention goes away for a split second but I regain my professional and neutral stand quickly. Clearly, all this is done by him to create distractions. There’s been a pattern and he only does this when I’m speaking

Can someone help me understand why he might be doing this?

[HollyK21]

I had to look up what grey rocking means, and given that definition, I don’t understand why you’d continue investing any further thought or energy into figuring this guy out. Grey rocking sounds like a pretty cold, finalizing way of shutting that door, so it’s not like you’d get any answers from him anyway. On top of that, he’s got a girlfriend, making this all overly pointless.


Unless you just didn’t mention it then it sounds like you never actually had a conversation where he’s specifically stated that he’s into you, it’s just been you in your own head making what you want of this situation, and acting on those thoughts by grey rocking without even validating that this route was necessary. You are the one mentally creating this whole idea that he’s trying to distract or get your attention, as if this isn’t taking place in a work-related setting and he’s privy to making comments that may unintentionally line up with when you post yours. I just think you’d be better served to stop giving that situation any energy, and focus on your job. That’s what you’re there for anyway, not to play some one-sided cat and mouse game with another woman’s man.

[Asker]

Oh yeah absolutely! I have no interest in breaking someone’s relationship or stealing another woman’s man.
The thing is he’s going out of his way to create distractions for me when I’ve clearly backed off. Now I can take measures so I’m not distracted by him but as a human curiosity, I was just wondering why he is doing that because it affects my work delivery momentarily.
I guess as you advised, it’s better I ignore all these attempts of his because I’ve closed the door with him permanently.

[Asker]

Forgot to mention, thank you for stopping by and sharing your kind opinion. I really appreciate it.

[Asker]

And forgot to mention, it wasn’t one sided. My choice to grey rock was to disallow being his side option and most importantly, to avoid triggering any breakups. I’m a woman and I very well know not to be the cause of hurt to another woman!

[HollyK21]

No problem hun. I feel like since you haven’t actually, verbally confirmed whether or not he’s interested in you, then it’s fair to explore all avenues of speculation, because without the person in question validating anything, this is all theoretical, including how you are perceiving this situation. I know you feel the most certain, as you are the one direction in this, but when we are being fair, the truth is you just don’t know that what’s in your head is what’s outwardly happening for sure.

I have nothing to gain from telling you that your views could be incorrect, and I’d never be that big of a jerk as to invalidate your experience, however I do believe you could be getting the wrong idea. You say that this happens during team meetings, meaning you are mainly only privy to his behavior in that setting vs live chatting with anyone else. I wouldn’t see any reason for him to purposely distract and throw you off unless it were payback of sorts for going cold with no real reason to his knowledge.

At the same time, he could act similarly with other coworkers, and you just don’t get to see it since it’s not happening in the group meeting. I guess which route you choose to believe relies on how much you really want to move on from this. Feeding into the idea that he’s purposely and specifically only doing this with you only leads you to be more curious and invested. While with the other route, you could just chop it up to you aren’t the only one he does this with, and move on.

[Asker]

Actually it’s a long story including meeting him in person which started things from his end. Since I’ve no interest in pursuing any thing with a taken man, I agree with you that I should stop putting any energy into this and just focus on my work. Thank you again for your kind words! I send good wishes your way!

[HollyK21]

Gotcha, I was just going off the context given, and I hadn’t seen any mention of feelings being officially exchanged. So if there’s more to the story, and he’s done suggestive things behind his gf’s back, then if I were you that would actually be more incentive to close that door and not look back.

I’ve always said that “nice” guy doesn’t always equate to “good guy”, along with my belief that just because a man is in a relationship, it doesn’t mean he’s a good partner, faithful, happy, etc.. It sounds like this could be the case for him, and unfortunately this woman is dealing with a guy who acts shadily with other women, in a place she’d expect him to be, so not reason for her to be suspicious. It really sucks. In any case, I’m glad you are going to route of just ignoring him altogether. It’s best that way. Thanks for your well wishes, the feeling is mutual. Take care.

[Asker]

You wrote it so well about the good guy vs nice guy. Honestly if I want, I could just validate him a little bit and he will pursue me in every way but I’m looking for my forever person and real and genuine love, which is why I’ve grey rocked him.
Thank you for your wishes! You too take care! In a world of harsh judgement, I’m glad I crossed your path and got to read your wise words and advise!

[HollyK21]

This is just a bit of friendly advice, but you may want to step back from that mentality of “Honestly if I want, I could just validate him a little bit and he will pursue me”. I know in hindsight it feels like an innocent thought, and maybe a bit of self-validation, however it can inadvertently create this mentation of “if I wanted him I could have him”, and that’s not something you’d want to feed into at all.

When you’re trying to get over someone you like, you can’t afford to leave any strings, breadcrumbs or cracked doors. You wanna shut it completely, so you don’t risk having even the slightest bit of competitiveness in the back of your mind. I say this as someone who also had to correct her way of thinking once upon a time, otherwise I’d take even the smallest things and overthink them, making it harder to be done.

This may have been a guy that you saw some potential with once upon a time, and may even have some curiosity about given the fact that he hadn’t mentioned being in a relationship at one point, so naturally you may question how serious he is about her, if he’s more interested in you, if they are happy, and just a ton of other avenues of thought that you’d do better avoiding if you can help it. Also, no problem at all. 💛

[Asker]

That makes sense to me. I really need this door shut completely. I’ll follow your advise. Thank you!

[HollyK21]

No problem hun, take care and if you have any questions feel free to check back in. Good luck☺️

[Asker]

Aww thank you! You’re so kind! I’ll be sure to reach out. Take care :)

[Anonymous]

He has a girlfriend. How about you do your job you are paid to do instead of worrying about this. It is the middle of the workday right now for you old people. Get back to work.

[Anonymous]

He's trying to reclaim control because he hates being ignored. Keep grey rocking; don't give in.

[Anonymous]

Get a life. Don't be a relationship destroyer. He has a girlfriend respect that you stupid slut.