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I’m dealing with a guy who tends to withdraw and go silent when he’s stressed, overwhelmed, or ashamed about things going on in his life. He’s told me before that his problems shouldn’t stop him from communicating and that he needs to work on it, but the cycle keeps repeating.
He also has me blocked on Facebook and hidden from his stories. He says those accounts are for friends/family, but it makes me feel hidden, especially since we tell each other we love each other.
I recently sent him this:
“I understand that stress and shame make you withdraw, and I believe you. But while shame explains your silence, it doesn’t make it okay. I don’t need perfection. Even a quick text like, ‘I’m overwhelmed, I need space’ is enough. I can respect your space, but being left completely in the dark hurts.
It also makes it hard to feel secure when I am blocked on your Facebook and hidden from your stories. You said those accounts are for friends and family, so it makes me wonder where I actually fit. I don’t want to control your social media, but I also don’t want to feel hidden.
I believe you can get better, but it’s going to take real work. I need to see actions now, not just apologies. I need trust, honesty, consistency, and safety.”
Guys, how would you interpret this message if you received it? Would you see it as reasonable communication and boundaries, or would it make you feel pressured/attacked?
And if you genuinely loved someone but withdrew because of shame or stress, would a message like this make you want to communicate and change, or withdraw further?
I’m looking for an honest male perspective, not just “leave him.”
What Guys Said
Looks like 'leave him' is eventually the answer.
Anyway, if there's still some communication, give him a last chance to show that he is serious.
Otherwise, with no more warning after this.. just block him all over.
Not that you hate him, but he is being selfish here. Yes we need to take care of ourselves, but he clearly is not being considerate here.
Since you seem to be aware of his shortcomings and imperfections, I see no reason for him to hide from you.
What I can say based on experience, is that he seems to be in a problem far worse than you'd accept or he thinks so. Otherwise, why would he hide from you?
Or it can be even worse.
So just tell him very clearly that he is got a chance to show he is willing to be serious/fix things.. etc (whatever other guys here or anywhere might suggest and recommend), and if he doesn't prove it, you can then peacefully decide that he is not worth it.
And here it is important to just say, we judge people by effort and not results.
You already seem to be that mature, but just reassuring this point.
I don't know if few warnings are better than only just a last one.. that might be an option. Other guys here might add to it if this seems worthy of an opinion.
What has him feeling stressed and overwhelmed? Is it school, family issues, insecurities from past relationships, or what is it?
Speaking as someone who had similar feelings at one point (though admittedly, not to this degree), I personally would feel, at least in part, that you were right. But then again, I also had the benefit of friends and family members who would try to build me up and correct me if I was going too far with my feelings about whatever was going on. And I also had my Catholic faith to lean on.
However I think he would also be right to feel somewhat pressured and discouraged. I would probably begin overanalyzing things I'd say or do.
If my opinion counts for anything, I think you'd be better off leaving him alone, at least for a while. It seems like you want this... relationship, I guess, to go somewhere and to have one that is happy, healthy, and constructive. It doesn't look like you're getting that right now. Sooner or later, you have to think about what's best for yourself. It's good that you want to be a shining light for him, but you cannot and should not spend yourself completely on a guy if he's not going to open up to you at all.
"Leave him" is so overly simplistic. You obviously have enough invested to want to fix this problem -- if you can.
It's interesting that he behaves badly when he's ashamed. Is that the word you really intended. What is he doing that's shameful?
Your message is well written, clear, unemotional and not accusatory. You've done a good job expressing your concern. It won't be an easy read for him exactly because he will see the truth in what you say. In person, ask him if he read it and what he wants to do. Open ended questions. Listen a lot more than speaking will encourage him to talk. When he's uncomfortable with the silence he will fill the void.
Good luck!
Understand that you are free to demand immediate feedback, but he is equally free to not provide it. He has to work through his issues in his own way and his own time. You have to decide if you can live with that or if you expect more control over him.
I personally think that you overvalue social media. How would you respond to someone who has no social media presence? If you would be kool with that, how is this different?
What are you actually worried about that compels you to make these demands of someone? When you simmer it down to your core values that are being challenged or your core fears that are being triggered, then you can fairly assess common boundaries and deal breakers.
I think it’s perfectly fair to expect he makes more of an effort in person OR on social media. But you are probably pushing your luck to demand both. He’s clearly not on your timeline. Is it worth waiting for him to catch up, or are you ready to move on to finding someone who matches your pace?
I'm a very reserved person, but it seems like he is a bit weird about it. Your message seemed leveled and appropriate. If he wants to be with you, he is going to have to push past his comfort zone. If I loved someone and they sent me this, I would certainly reevaluate my decisions.
You're just looking for drama and gossip - and give him nothing to trust your support.
He's doing the right thing only letting in people who can help or offer assistance. Not make a song and dance about the situation.
You don't know the meaning of the word "love," let alone have it.
Men have learned to not show weakness or vulnerability. And right they are. A man cannot be weak in this world as it puts him at risk and women certainly don’t like it no matter what you say. Stop being so nosy. Let him be. He will deal with it his own way.
Withdraw further. All it does is let him know that he's not doing it right. What you're actually communicating is that you expect him to prioritize you. You're adding to his stress level, not being the support and love he needs.
People who like you want to and enjoy spending time with you, no matter the gender. It is that simple.
Stop wasting time on some BS. Wish him well, and say bye. And mean it.
He is an avoidant. Aka too immature to process emotions in a healthy way
He's got you blocked on Facebook? WTF? He's not that interested is what that says. You should be front and center.
Honestly I see a lot of red flags. Im not sure if staying with such a person is the best option for yourself in the long run
How much longer are you going to put up with this teenage bitch boy behavior?
It sounds like you’re dating a bipolar emo girl
Go find a real man who is not overwhelmed by everything like a delicate little flower
Dont waste your time.
😆😆😆