Obsessive and Dark Daydreams?

[JenzLab]

Ever since I was 13 I fantasized about bad things happening to me, either a bad illness or a bad physical injury from some sort of accident.
I don't even know if "fantasized" is the right word, because I don't actually want these things to happen. I day dream about it constantly every day. Nothing bad ever happened in my life and I don't struggle with any sort of depression.

I don't know why I obsessively think about it every day, even going as far as learning about illness and injuries to make sure I'm accurate.

I don't think this is normal and I'm afraid of telling anyone about it. Why do I do this?

[TooDrunk4Sex]

i did that since childhood. id call them fantasy since i enjoyed them. i didn't do diseases though. mine were always very dramatic and violent, like i get dismembered or decapitated or shot to death with a machine gun doing machine gun dance as the body shreds away. so far i dont think anything is wrong with me. of course i dont want those things to actually happen. therefore fantasy. its like i get to pretend what its like and its very fun 2 me

[JenzLab]

In mine I never die.. I just get close to it. Are you truly 13?

[TooDrunk4Sex]

not really but i wanted to pick an age that matched my humor maturity level. i was one of those kids that freaked out the teachers drawing very violent and hellish images as well while kids were drawing like fire trucks. did u do that too by any chance? im no psychologist and dont know why i did it. im not like some sadomasochist in real life. sometimes i wonder if it is like a coping mechanism for death. like i became aware of it maybe much earlier than most kids and with a fairly violent event. so my kid brain might have gone like, 'i might end up like that someday.' and maybe i play with that idea in my daydreams and when im lying on the bed to sort of prepare for that however i can

[JenzLab]

I do remember drawing stuff sometimes. I think I wrote stories about it often. One thing that comes to my mind, is that my brother has type 1 diabetes. I wonder if his chronic illness makes me obsess over the idea of illness and stuff for some reason. But that's only my theory.

[TooDrunk4Sex]

that might have some key role there. hard to figure ourselves out. i also got this tendency like i want to project myself in everyone's shoes. offered ice cream to middle age woman as an infant who dropped hers. i felt so bad for her. it goes far beyond a normal type of empathy and goes to pretty dark places. like i see the worst of human suffering in history. horrible images from war. mountains of skulls. and some part of me wants to be able to project myself in there and imagine what it is like so i can feel what they felt when they died in the most agonizing way. it sounds twisted but its like i just wanna connect there. maybe if i did then whatever suffering i go through will seem trivial to that and i would know how to help people or myself bear such a situation if i can just get a sample of what it is like

[JenzLab]

I think empathy plays a role for me too, but less along the lines of death and more along the lines of injury and illness. It makes me feel guilty for being perfectly healthy :/

[TooDrunk4Sex]

the empathy thing can become a bit of a problem at least for me. i dont know if i could pinpoint a sense of guilt quite as clearly. but its like i made the black and white dichotomy where its like i help every person who suffers or i am guilty of wrongdoing. and that can invite all sorts of bad types of people into your life who will take everything u have to give and want more. i had to learn to become, just in my warped perspective, a bit selfish. i rationalized it like there's no way i will be in a shape to help or protect anybody if i give everything of myself all away at once. gotta save some fuel in the tank

[TooDrunk4Sex]

some puzzle pieces sound like they could be falling in place 2 me though based on your side. like with the brother and the guilt. maybe u want to take it away from his and carry it for a while like a heavy backpack he's carrying, and unfortunately its not so easy to take away someones suffering. so maybe that has some part in your dreams. im no therapist though so lotsa disclaimers

[JenzLab]

I think what you said has the most potential out of all of my guesses so far... it's something I will look into because I'm going to see my school counselor next week. You have honestly helped so much just by chatting with me. Thank you.

[TooDrunk4Sex]

cheers

[blankwave]

Sounds like anxiety. It's not "normal" but it's pretty common. Might want to talk to a therapist or counselor. Sometimes we get it from our parents so you could ask them how they deal with intrusive thoughts.

[JenzLab]

I guess that makes sence, I'm quite a anxious person.

Does it still count as intrusive thoughts even if you willingly think about it? like it's not something that comes out of the blue.

[blankwave]

If you dwell on them it will become a habit. Probably not very healthy

[JenzLab]

I think it's already a habit 😓. I've been doing it for 5 years. But I am seeing my school counselor about other things, so maybe I will bring the topic up.

[PhoenixAl]

It is totally normal lol the brain is very powerful it generates the weirdest things possible. As long as you don't think about it all the time there is nothing wrong with that. Also your age is 18. Later on these thoughts tend to almost disappear.

[Agape93]

You could try dialectical behavior therapy.


It happens hon. Sometimes the mind tries to normalize things we fear.

[Agape93]

I’m here if you want to talk. No judgement

[JenzLab]

Thank you 😊

[Agape93]

Anytime :)

[Anonymous]

I think it is a way to avoid those scenarios in real life. By obsessing over them you consider how they might occur and can avoid the high risk situations that cause them.

[andy530]

It may just be you like the feeling of being slightly out of control and having an injury or illness puts you in that space where you’re sense of control is limited

[codyccc]

Did you have a friend or relative that happened to

[JenzLab]

My brother has type 1 diabetes. he's had it since before I was born.

[codyccc]

Ya probably just a mild case of munchhousins syndrome i would be to worried

[codyccc]

Wouldn't

[Iron_Man]

seek out help