Anything you want to ask me about my experince with a dissociative disorder?

[L_Lawliet17]

My experience is mine alone. People experience it differently, and I'm not here to diagnose or medically advise anyone. I can provide general information, but please understand that I am not a medical professional, and my experience does not speak for everyone with a dissociative disorder. This is simply about how my life goes, if you're interested, and to shine a light on what it feels like for me since it's not really talked about.

[wynning]

Thanks for doing this.
Some questions I thought of
What does switching feel like?
How do you make sense of gaps in memory?
Does diassociation affect how much you trust your instincts?
Is there a shared characteristic to all of your alters?
Have any of them ever surprised you with something you didn't know or think you could do?

[L_Lawliet17]

When I switch, usually it feels like I zone out for a period of time and then come back as an entirely different person. Sometimes it's more subtle though. When I switch, it feels like someone else is trying to control the body.
Not all of the alters care about writing, but we try to write down small notes of what happened. Other times, if one alter experinces something, and then we switch, they can still be present in the background fo relay the general idea of what happened, even though it might not be in detail.
Dissociation actually does affect my instincts. Just last month, I was friends with someone who had subtly been making things one-sided, but I always tried to justify their actions. One day, a new alter was fronting, and he was skeptical and cautious of people in general. When that person told me to stop expressing certain emotions because they were triggered (instead of just distancing themselves from me until they felt better), Shiva, the protector alter, took control and cut them off just like that. I could never do something like that on my own, but it was clear that Shiva had enough of their bs and didn't trust them anymore. Shiva seems to trust his gut more than any of the other alters, and unlike most of them, Shiva can take action without it affecting him emotionally.
Shared characteristics is a good question. There are some who act very similarly to the host (main alter that controls the body the most), but I'm not sure. All alters are said to be parts of a whole, so I guess they all carry at least one characteristic that the I, as a whole, possess and could just be unaware of.
There's one alter. He was the first noticeable one. He shocked me because while I understood nothing about dissociative disorders or how they worked, it was like he was an expert on it. He also could access memories I couldn't remember, and he's capable of staying calm no matter what situation.

[wynning]

I just realised that Watari must've given you your username and pfp lol great stuff

Thank you for your answers! Disassociation seems to be very dynamic and very multi-facted even from different alters. So instincts and boundaries shift depending on who's fronting. Like Shiva's able to leap in with logic and protect without creating some kind of emotional fallout in a sense? Do you think that kind of emotional distance is something he developed intentionally or was it always just part of his protector role? It's kind of beautiful ngl

For memory sharing, do you have to... ask them for memories? Or just somehow be aware of memories they have but you don't?

Thank you for sharing a bit of the complexity and nuance to this I wouldn't have been aware of otherwise I hope I haven't asked too much tbh

[L_Lawliet17]

Shiva was always like that. As for memories, they volunteer the information.

[Simslover92]

So I have several because I find it fascinating.

Would you say this account is the main you or one of your other personalities? Do they also use Gag? How do your friends and family handle you having it? How often do you switch? How many of you are there?

[L_Lawliet17]

The collective, which is called a system because the whole body is made up of different alters. We all use this profile. Sometimes it's the main alter, which is called the host, and other times it's other alters using this account. They also use GAG. My friends are supportive, but I haven't told my parents about my diagnosis because they don't believe in anything related to mental health, and they chalk it up as me acting up when I switch. How often I switch depends on what's going on. Sometimes, a single alter can front for days to weeks or even months. There's no set amount of time an alter fronts for. Switching can be triggered by both stressful and favorable events. It can also be caused by boredom or other intense emotions. Sometimes, the trigger for switching isn't clear, but it's possible that I switch a few times a day. Sometimes I'm aware, and sometimes I'm not until after the fact.
I'm not sure how many of us there are, but there are over 50 logged alters.

[Simslover92]

Wow that's really intriguing. I'm so sorry about your parents. My family can be a bit weird about mental health related stuff as well. I have a mental illness that they sort of know about but not really. They don't like to talk about stuff like that unfortunately. Thank you so much for answering my questions.

[L_Lawliet17]

No problem. I hope things get easier with your parents. You deserve support.

[Simslover92]

Thank you. I do have it in my friends at least like you.

[Staximus]

There is no "us" or "we", there is only you

[L_Lawliet17]

@Staximus what are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Do different parts of you have different romantic interests? Like, could part of you be a girlfriend to someone while another part of you might not?

[L_Lawliet17]

So far, they all seem pretty okay with the concept of the collective dating someone.

[Agape93]

I'll have to do something like this at some point, good idea.

How does it feel when you're having an issue with it?

[L_Lawliet17]

I often feel scared when it becomes an issue. I can hear a lot of dialouge internally between the alters at times, and it's like they're all disagreeing or panicking when something happens, which makes responding to thw situation really hard. Sometimes I feel disconnected from life and feel like nothing is real, or maybe I'm not real. Sometimes I'm even in denial that I have a dissociative disorder and try to gaslight myself into believing I'm just making it up. When I have an episode, on the outside, people tend to notice im anxious and freeze up, but there's a lot going on inwardly.

[Agape93]

Interesting. Do you enter a fugue state or have amnesia afterwards?

[L_Lawliet17]

I do experience amnesia afterwards. I've never had an instance where I've totally been unaware of how I got somewhere though. I tend to be relatively alert enough. I do have amnesia to the extent that I can't remember what occured during the act of traveling somewhere. As am example, one time I was in a van with other people and we went to the park. I remembered that we used a van to get there, but everything that happened on the way was forgotten, and at some point, it was like a dream, waking up and realizing we were at the park now. There are times where I have amnesia enough that memories about myself can't be accessed such as general childhood, but it doesn't affect me too deeply to the point where I forget everything.

[MemeSupreme]

how long did it take to get diagnosed

[L_Lawliet17]

It took almost a year. Last year, I noticed I was having amnesia, but it wasn't until December that it was clearly a dissociative disorder. My therapist had been monitoring the symptoms for a while and I was diagnosed around March.

[PaleDale]

What is it like?

[L_Lawliet17]

It has ups and downs. Sometimes it's not bad because it helps me cope and there are alters who handle things better than one person alone can. But it's also not that good because I experince heavy amnesia and sometimes switch at a bad time, causing the situation to become more difficult.

[PaleDale]

What are alters? Those who help you out? And I've had lapses of memory too, so I can imagine at least a little bit amnesia must be bad sometimes?

[L_Lawliet17]

Alters are basically parts of me split into their own person. Like, part of me might be brave. That alter's presenting trait and behavior is brave, and they may have other traits as well, which make a different personality from my own. Additionally, it's possible for each alter to have their own set of memories that may only be accessed while that alter is present.

[PaleDale]

Oh i see. Do you know all your alters?

[L_Lawliet17]

No. I know a lot of them and keep track of them in a book, but there are some I don't know anything about. I just know that they're different from me.

[PaleDale]

I have different parts in my psyche that are all me but also different, some I like and others I'm less than proud of

[L_Lawliet17]

You should probably see a professional about it if you're concerned about anything.

[PaleDale]

I do. I have a therapist, she's cool.

[L_Lawliet17]

I'm glad you're getting help with it!

[PaleDale]

Thanks. She tells me that everyone is made of parts and there are no bad parts just burdened ones that help us cope

[Anonymous]

How long have you had this disorder for?

[L_Lawliet17]

The time is unknown. I've had dissociative episodes long before I understood that's what they were. The earliest I distinctly recall was at 8. But it became more prominent last December after intense trauma.

[Opinion Owner]

What sort of trauma occurred last December that made the disorder take a turn for the worst?

[L_Lawliet17]

December has been a bad time for me because when I was 18, I tried to take my life two days after Christmas. This year, a family member also died. On top of that, the fact that I always spend Christmas alone makes me miserable. All of that together broke me.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand what you are going through, because I tried to end my life a few times as well. Loneliness is very hard on a person both mentally and physically. However, we must never give up; for there is hope and resolve.

[L_Lawliet17]

I'm glad you're still here. 🖤

[Opinion Owner]

I am happy that you are still with us as well.