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As someone whose life has always been about serving others I don't often think about how many hours I "clock in" at all, I just go from one thing to the next till everyone's on their path to happiness or resolution.
But I was talking to a client today and feeling bad for them... 41, unmarried, only child and tending to their dad (cranky 89 who speaks three languages and curses like a sailor in all three). Their whole life is dedicated to tending to the newly-retired dad, who is fighting retirement tooth-and-nail, insisting that he's good to work and bored from the crack of dawn when he wakes up bc his tough guy farm-to-table routine has been UTTERLY tossed out and reset for a life of leisure he never wanted or imagined for himself.
It made me think of another client... 47, unmarried, youngest child but the elder kids are all on the spectrum so the youngest is the one who holds all the family obligations on their shoulders and tends to their mom, siblings, etc.
It's my story as well... So I began to wonder... when do *we* have the front seat as a priority in our own lives? When do we get to live a little instead of helping others live?
Hmm... Food for thought.
How much of your time do you spend taking care of others?
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Not since December of 2022. I spent a good amount of time caring for my parents. Both were diagnosed two and a half months apart with stage 4 cancer in 2021.
I'm so sorry to hear that! (Same situation and year as my folks, actually.) :(
Damn. Sorry to hear it. Still, I’d do it all over again for them.
Yeah, obvi. But see how that's your whole world for that time frame and you when you come out of it at the other end and see your life... you realize you had everything on hold and were not even in the passenger seat of your own life, but way way in the back of the station wagon, in that little flip-up seat where you see everything pass you by.
It's a long journey back to "normal" and getting back into the driver's seat again.
My parents were essentially my best pals and my last remaining family left. Their passing left a great chasm. It changed my world losing them. They were loved by a lot of people beyond myself. It changed me. Even my closest friends have said at much. The driver’s seat is different moving forward. Also, something new, nothing like getting bitched at by a guy friend for not opening up about things bothering me. Granted, he has the habit of talking over everyone. Still, the world has changed.
YES. I hear you.
Wanna laugh? First thing I literally had to do was adjust the driver's seat on my mom's car so I could (finally) move it to the dealership where I was having it sold. I'd wanted to drive it for forever bc it was such a smooth ride, but that wasn't the way I wanted to GET to drive it. I muttered and "argued with my mom (RIP)" over it for the hour-long drive to the dealership. When I got to the place everyone there had kind things to say about her and one guy was upset I wasn't as chipper and pleasant as she was... so I told him I'd just put her in the ground and am tying up all her loose ends, can he cut me an f-ing break and please just help me get through his part of this ordeal? He still calls to check up on me and we're ok chatting now, but at the time... I was like a volcano on the brink...
It went the other direction for me. After laying my Dad to rest, the family at large vanished and ai heard nothing but crickets ever since. It is as if I was laid to rest with them. I spend more time in my mountain town now as a result. Feels more like home at least.
I'm glad you have a spot that feels like home. Nah, my actual blood relatives have mostly vanished. My folks were the meal ticket for a lot of them and I cut all those off, really shocked at how much they used my folks throughout their lifetime. Smh.
That would be the sibling I no longer speak to. Always with his hands out. The rest of the family is likely better off than my parents were … and my parents were pretty well off. I probably am the only one who has fallen from a financial state of grace as of late. I seem to be indifferent about it which seems to concern my friends far more than myself. Apparently they are used to my being significantly more ‘solvent’. I think having no one to care for has caused my indifference. Life carries on….
Yeah... I get it. Thanks so much for sharing with me! <3
Thank you too.
I have a volunteer job at an NGO The Walkway School... unpaid...3 hours a day...4 days a week... other than that whatever randomly i feel like i do that..
my kids are all grown and gone but i still take care of my wife. It must take 10-20% of my time. It can vary.