Am I wrong for feeling upset that my toxic childhood friend has a happy, respectful marriage?

[Anonymous]

I had this 'friend' who I knew since I was a kid.

They were manipulative and toxic as fuck but I couldn't completely gauge as i was used to them.

Years later they did something which was so crossed in terms of the line, that I finally saw them for who they were and that was that.

I reconnected with them years later - no remorse no change in behaviour.

I recently saw that they had gotten married to a high status-ish guy. Now it's not really that which bothered me so much as it was seeing how he seemed to be treating her with respect.

So it confused me. How can someone who is not only a terrible person but also gets off on trying to make others feel bad not necessarily high status themselves end up with a guy who respects them?

I was afraid of telling people how I felt about this childhood friend because I feared people may think I'm jealous. Is it really jealousy though? I've seen many friends marry guys who respected them high status and didn't feel the same way.

I think it made me feel as though her behaviour didn't face any real consequences she still got to live a good life etc.

[HollyK21]

Wrong or right, I think you just need to let all that resentment go, close that chapter of your life and move on. Focus on your own triumphs and major milestones so that you don’t have to feel so much bitterness when you see good things happening for someone else, regardless of your past history with them. I was backstabbed to a devastating degree by my best friend of over 15 years, we will most likely never speak again. Yet despite never receiving an apology or any sort of closure to that situation, I still genuinely wish her the best. Why? Because forgiveness isn’t about the other person, it’s about you and not having to feel such a heavy burden when you think about them. I also feel like it’s doing yourself a disservice to harbor such negative feelings over that woman, meanwhile you’re not a thought in her mind and regardless of what you think she deserves, she’s still going to wake up to it and have it every day. That’s not fair to you, and I’m sure you’d much rather not give a shit what’s happening in her life as opposed to it affecting your whole mood. You will have your wins when the time comes, there’s no need to be bothered over hers.

[Asker]

Hmm but isn't it human nature to feel like how can someone cause so much damage and get away with it?

The thing is I realized years later this woman was never my friend. She was someone who got off on trying to push me around so she'd feel better about herself.

But you know I do wonder about something you said. Is my confusion also rooted in me thinking that if someone is a bad person as long as they facilitate some kind of status they are protected from consequences.

In this case she gets it vicariously through him.

Reminds me of that whole power vs no power dynamic where people have literally ruined someone's life and no one cares because the person whose life got ruined is not as powerful. I'm not saying this particular friend ruined my life. But I do notice that.

My own mother is a victim of a super toxic partner. Nothing bad ever happened to the partner and yet her life was ruined.

[HollyK21]

I completely understand being blindsided by someone you thought was your best friend, that was my experience and a big part of what made the situation so hurtful. But in hindsight, can you really say she was ALL bad? I mean if she were, you wouldn’t have been friends for as long as you were, and I’m not exempt of saying the same for myself. I make no exaggerations when I say that this person stabbed me in the back, and the last time was just the cherry on top of other damaging things she has done, and she’s done some shitty things. However I can also look back at her redeeming qualities, memories of our happier moments and maybe that’s part of what makes me feel so at peace about it all now. I run into her now and then, she’s living a great life now, but I don’t resent her for it. I don’t look at that and seethe because I don’t think she deserves it. However I think it’s because she didn’t ruin my life, and I’m content. I feel accomplished, I’ve got a great relationship, I’m headed in the direction I’ve been working towards, even despite the road bump she caused. Do you feel like you can say the same?

[Asker]

Hmm, You know I feel somewhere even if I was doing really well like a millionaire level well I'd probably feel the same maybe less so but still.

Because I think somewhere it's more about the fact that in real life there are a lot of things that shouldn't happen that aren't actually criminally punishable (like I had a friend who said her ex cheated on her and got married to the woman he cheated on her with).

Doesn't make it any less okay. I mean the ex situation is a totally different one but as an example.

Yes I think the bad things about her crossed out the good. I also didn't realize it at the time but she was using me and it disgusts me looking back.

[12karen]

Honestly just let go, you’re upset and that’s on you

because they do not care and won’t care at all for you. You’re just hurting yourself for nothing

[Asker]

I don't care about them either.

What I do care about is the universe restoring balance. Which unfortunatley doesn't always happen in real life.

[12karen]

You cared enough about them to feel upset tho

[Asker]

No I cared enough about the INJUSTICE not them as people

Caring about someone is like crying that oh why did this person do this tom e eetc. i was so good to them.

Im wayy over that phase.

[12karen]

And who is being unjust in your story?
You’re gonna blame the universe?

[Asker]

You are confusing care (which is shown to people who deserve it like our friends and family) vs hatred (which is shown to enemies).

I also think I didn't understand this when I was younger but i get it now - some of the worst things that happen in life - are not criminally punishable.

A really good example of this - domestic violence. Most of it happens behind closed doors which means not enough proof.

And yet the trauma that people go through is equivalent of deep PTSD.

Another example of this - a man emotionally abuses his wife to the extent that she's suicidal and tries to harm her kids thinking they'd escape all the abuse and go to heaven. I mean of course she is at fault but she's also mentally so scarred by the abuse that she's pushed to it.

Man walks away scott-free.

One of the most difficult things in life is coming to terms with this reality.

[12karen]

Good you came to that conclusion

So I guess you answered your own question

[Jammannn]

People do all sorts of crazy stuff when theyre kids. Bit of a tough judge to hold that into adulthood. Them not changing after reconnecting a few years later is likely due to that they never really liked you first place so why would they of been kind when you reconnected? They probably just did it as a point of interest not genuine intent for friendship.

If he treats her with respect I assume you want some sort of toxic relationship karma? Like girl come on, no need to be so petty. I would be afraid of telling people my thoughts if they were so egocentric, you're 100% jealous. If they did something bad to you perhaps you should of confronted them when you reconnected and not expected the santa claus, unicorns and fairies of the world the enact karmic justice.

[Asker]

Who said she was a kid?

[Asker]

No its because they haven't changed.

And I wouldn't expect a guy to get it. Jealousy is when someone didn't do anything and you want bad for them.

This person DID do something.

Honestly you are the one who sounds bitter. It's like you don't believe in justice.

[Jammannn]

"I had this 'friend' who I knew since I was a kid." You said they were a kid in your first sentence.

Yeah this is serious girl stuff only, male brain no comprendey? That sounds like a specific type of situation, where good and bad are clear, hardly how the real world plays out. You never mentioned what they even did, you can't just elude to something as an immutable point, further to that if you reconnected later it couldn't of been too bad, or you have 0 self respect.
Sounds like you're projecting onto me, I just dont believe in your kind of fairytale justice. I make my own.

[Asker]

WHO I KNEW SINCE I WAS A KID genius

[Asker]

I hope terrible happens to you and you realize how it feels.

Reconnecting later isn't about self respect moron it's about thinking maybe it's possible someone has changed and felt remorse.

In this case - clearly not.

[Jammannn]

"I hope terrible happens to you and you realize how it feels." This is the poor mentality that led to you being jealous in the first place, when this doesn't play out. Hopefully it comes true and I end up with a high status wifey.
My bad, my male brain cannot comprehend why would you have a friend as a kid who isn't a kid and call them your 'friend', as an adult. If they weren't a kid then, why would you expect them to change? Going back to someone who hurt you and calling it reconnecting, is a poor mask. Clear you saw with how you feel it was a validation seeking adventure - here you wanted yours through some karmic justice! which unfortunately didn't come true boo hoo. Its not that bad, it was ages ago, move on, they certainly have while you're jealous and bitter.

[Asker]

We were friends even as adults. I can't believe you still haven't connected that part.

[Asker]

Because good people who make mistakes change with time. Shit people don't.

If I was jealous I'd be jealous of all the other women I know who are in a similar position.

Also the part that got to me the most wasn't even the high status part. It was the fact that he seems to treat her with respect.

She doesn't desesrve the outside world treating her well after everything she's pulled.

[Jammannn]

You being friends as adults plays even more into her not being that bad. With how quickly you turned on me I dont consider it to be farfetched for you to do that to others. I mean half the time of the comments you just disagree with because they're male which is weak mentaility to have.

Your jealousy is triggered by self-interest you deem those other women to be better than her by how they've treated you. Yeah you want her to be treated how you felt, its not up to this guy to finish your vendetta? This guy is an individual he's not the worlds karma. My mum told me a story that sort of reminds me about this but healthier - a girl who bullied her when she was at uni, about looks etc. So my dad went to a pet shop bought all the mice/rats and went to her birthday party to set them free. Apparently it caused quite a lot of chaos. Now my mum didn't wish that the person who bullied her had an abusive partner thats insane. Instead those around her who cared made an effort to help her feel better. With your attitude and outlook its pretty clear why those people aren't around you.

[Asker]

Listen buddy you need a life.

I don't even think I read your whole post properly skimmed it but I will say this.

Manipulative people are skilled at appearing normal to others. And target people when they're vulnerable.

[Jammannn]

Says the girl who spends her life wishing the worst for others.

There isn't a single person who agrees with you. Maybe they're all men, Holly must be one too. People only really have as much power over you as you let them.

[Asker]

I wish the worst absolute worst for people who has wronged me.

Especially if they've shown zero remorse.

Read all the posts people are empathetic.

I hope something horrible happens to you so you know how I feel

[Jammannn]

Self-absorbed justice isn't worth much.
Its why, no one is empathetic towards this. Every person is telling you let go. How deep is your delusion to twist that into validation about your warped opinion.

You won't even say what they did. How do you expect anyone to have a real understanding, you just want them to be blindly perceived as negative. More likely she just treats toxic people like you badly?

[Asker]

They're not telling me to let go because they think I'm wrong. They're telling me to let go because it's affecting me.

It's funny how you don't get even that.

Do you really think I care what you think? Thank God you're not something like a lawyer I know someone like you would defend the wrong person

[Jammannn]

If this is agreeing with you? Holly "But in hindsight, can you really say she was ALL bad"
Someone else came along to tell you that you're wrong do you reflect or deflect?

Its a joke that you have this mentaility as an adult, I've taught 9yos with more accountability. Yeah you'd need one of those good mafia lawyers you make your point seem just.

[SamIam96]

Getting to the point, yes, you are wrong.

You're wasting your energy holding a grudge against someone literally since childhood. People mature with time. Leave the past in the past. You're not growing if you keep lingering over your friend's childhood behavior.

If your friend is still toxic that's different.

[Asker]

She's still the same person and I knew her since childhood but into adulthood as well

[SamIam96]

Why do you stay in touch? Is she a family friend?

[Asker]

I am no longer in touch with her.

Yeah she was

[HighValue]

2 problems here. You seem to think good finances = good quality partner. The second is that if he frequently compliments her, it is likely that he is cheating on her. I know the majority of women don't want to admit it and think they deserve constant compliments, but when that happens, MOST of the time it is to hide the fact that their partner is cheating.

I wouldn't stay in contact with her. You cut contact for a reason so why make your life worse by being around her?

[Asker]

Oh he's not well off. I highly highly doubt he's rich.

I am not in contact with her found out.

[Anonymous]

She may put on a whole act for her husband and he may have no idea

[Asker]

True. Those types of people are good at hiding their real face from the world.

I do wonder though when I told someone they seemed to judge me although they said 'all your feelings are justified.'

So that confused me. Would most people feel the way I do? Or is my reaction not the conventional one.

The person who judged me has a very black and white way of looking at the world. I don't think she sees the nuances.

[Staximus]

Most guys don’t give a shit about a girl’s status, welcome to the real world

[Asker]

Okay he wasn't really a high status guy I guess he was good education-wise. She was decent education-wise but not as much as him.

So it's like a sensible person is giving her respect? I don't understand.

[Iron_Man]

I understand you’re upset, but you’ll have your day. You have to work hard at it

[Asker]

This isn't about whether or not I have my day or working hard.

It's about not liking that she got away with it and is living a decent life

[Pohjolan]

I never understood why women have fake friends.

[Asker]

I don't know if you're being empathetic towards me or shading me - but the answer to that is very simple.

Women are better at hiding who they truly are. Guys are straightforward women not so much.

It's not until years later sometimes that women realize their 'friends' were fake.

[WhitneySnow]

He obviously doesn’t know the real her

[Asker]

But how is that possible apparently they knew each other for a couple of years before getting married.

I did wonder if maybe it's one of those situations you know where someone can be horrible to one person and loving and caring towards another.

[WhitneySnow]

I guess it’s possible. What did she do that was so horrible?

[Nikki1989]

It is very immature.

[LiamJHayden]

You should not care.

[Asker]

Easier said than done

[In_Trance]

Yes you are

[Asker]

It's interesting that the only person who doesn't agree with me is another guy.

Guys don't play the types of games women do with each other.

[Anonymous]

Jealousy