My boyfriend's best friend is a girl who he used to have a crush on, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend's BEST FRIEND is a girl who he used to have a crush on. He told me she's "very important" to him because she helped him a lot before & I've heard him saying "I love you" to her on the phone once before they hung up, but that's when they haven't been talking with each other for 1-2 months. Part of me told me that if he'd say it even when I was there, that means they're really friends only because otherwise, he'd have walk away a little bit to talk with her. Yet, the other part of me just couldn't stop having the bad feelings.

I don't know if it's just because I worry too much/too jealous, but I found that he seems to be trying to impress that girl from time to time. E.g. he bought a $100 gift for her because "he owed her" (I don't know the reason), and he paid for an expensive dinner of 4 even when he's broke (I think it's because she was there). Then I'd to help him a bit on $ because he's totally broke. So I got mad because it seemed like he took my help for granted & I said:"Am I supposed to spend $ on you so then you can spend $ on other people?!" He only said "it's not like that", as always.

I've NEVER thought about asking him to stop seeing that girl if they're friends only because I've close guy-friends too.

Yet, what happened recently kinda got onto my nerves. I don't know if he really didn't know when I asked him or not, but on the night before he hung out with that girl, when I asked him where he'd be going the next day, he said he didn't know yet. But then the next day, I found that he's in that girl's house watching DVD. He woke up at 9 in the morning because he needs to get to that girl's house by 12 (it's only a 15-min distance, 25 at most). First, I don't think he didn't know he'd be meeting that girl at 12 if he'd set the alarm at 9. I asked him at night (probably 12-1am), but he told me he didn't know. Fine, say he really didn't know. What really makes me mad is that he actually woke up 3 hrs earlier to prepare himself to meet with that girl while he's mostly late when he sees me. Few days ago, I actually waited for him for 1.5hrs because he didn't wake up on time. So I totally got pissed & said:"it's not fair! you'd wake up 3 hrs earlier to meet with other people, but when you're seeing me, you're always late!" he just said "no, it's not like that", AS ALWAYS.

I know I've to trust him if I want this relationship, but I had a bad relationship before which my ex-boyfriend ended up hooking up with who he called his "best friend". I noticed how he treated that girl differently, but he denied it. They ended up having sex and he told me he didn't know how that happened, he just found that he liked her suddenly. I guess I'm kinda "traumatized" by what happened before, so I can't stop they're more than just friends even if they may be just friends. I asked him if he really loves me and he said yes, but my ex-boyfriend said that too. So I'm having these internal conflicts all the times.

What should I do? Any suggestions

[jagedrocks]

I guess I'm a little confused with the "he had sex with her" part.

If he had sex with her while you guys were dating, DUMP HIM.

If this happened a long time ago, and he/they chose not to be together, than I wouldn't worry about it. If he liked her, and it was up to him, he would be with her, not you. But he IS with you. If she had a crush on him, and he chose not to be with her than that is a super clear answer for you.

My two best friends are both guys. I am VERY close to them, especially one. I say I love him all the time (I do, he's practically my brother), I treat him just like I would any female friend. The absolute truth is that I don't want to be with him. He has a girlfriend, and I am very happy for him. I have a boyfriend, It's all good.

Then again, I didn't and never would have sex with him. Try to separate some of the drama out of this. It sounds like this girl means a lot to him, and it also sounds like she has been a bigger part of his life, for longer than you have. That doesn't mean he doesn't really care about you now, but she is his "BFF" he's going to treat her differently, he's going to be there for her. Just remember, she has been in his life longer than you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want you in it to.

[Inkweaver2]

Tell him all of this and tell him you're sick of hearing "No, it's not like that". (which you obviously are) Communication is very important. It is what builds trust. Tell him everything about how you are feeling.

Oh, and don't listen to guys like lefthand if you have something against having multiple . . . "partners". (which I personally do) You deserve better then that.

[Anonymous]

This just happened to me. 10 months later- she confesses her feelings for him. And he tells me he caught feelings for her a while back as well. (This happened yesterday.) Good luck, it may be nothing. But go with your gut feeling- I know I should have,

[lefthand]

My girlfriend had issues with my close female friends. She went into jealous rages and demanded I stop seeing them. I did.our relationship eventually failed because she f***ed someone else and I married my friend 5 years later.

You aren't going to alter the relationship between them. Either accept it (including if they are being sexual intimate) or let him go. He has made it clear that the relationship is important him and he isn't going to give it up.

Oh. fwiw, The woman I married insisted that I keep all my female friends. She decided that we were better off being non-monogamous because my friends are often sexual partners as well. Its worked out very well for the last 15 years.

[prymtym3]

Hello,

I was kinda in the same situation, except I was on the other side of the argument. My bestfriend is a girl who I had feelings for who my girlfriend hated. What you need to do is ask him how he really feels about the both of you. The worst thing you can do is make him choose between you and her. Trust me, when he said that he owed her, he really meant it. Just try to sit down and talk with both of them and try to get his friend to know how you feel so that she will know your boundaries. Its going to be hard but totally worth it.

[ICpeople82smart]

Crazy I thought I was reading something I may have asked... You know what you see and been there before and how you feel when someone leaves tells yourself a lot. My boyfriend right now lol cuz I haven't moved out said the same thing I love you! To his best friend. He also would become very violent out of no where every time the two would be talking. So I had to become friends witb her because nothing was going on they are just friends. It became so bad that I even suggested that they be together, sense he was so blind to see that everything about me she wouldcopy cat or take of mine. Even words I wrote in my diary she posts on her FB but making it sound tords her boyfriend. But when it all comes down to it they can't stand each other once together for so long. And finally she screwed him. Thank God that's over. But now I'm stuck with my Ex cuz I'm having trouble moving he wants me gone but then doesn't because she doesn't want to be with him. And the whole time I really feel like it was never about her caring or wanting to be with him it was all about using him as a resource and her jelouse/wanting me. Not to say your situation is like mine. But she knows that your upset and that's what she feeds off of I can almost bet. And he only uses you as a come back girl or he wouldn't be saying that to any woman but you and he's slowly breaking you down for that day she finally got es it up to him. I bet he likes the excitement of leaving all together.
Leave him and leave him dirty get a guy to come pick you up and take you out while he sits at home. But then he will make reasons to argue and run to her for counseling and then it gets worse. So if you have the strength and means to leave you should and do it proudly.