He says he doesn't want to hurt me?

My guy best friend is dealing with some problems (idk what they are) and says he doesn't want to hurt me and is better if we stop talking to each other. The thing is he talks normal with everyone one else except me. Im the one getting ignored.

Ozanne

Guru Age: 51

881 opinions shared on Other topic.

This is sad because first of all, if he's your best guy friend, he should want YOU in his life before the others. Also, you don't even know what the problems is he says he's going through - which if they even exist, he's not telling you about, but I'm inclined to think it's an excuse to come up with something to make him distant from you or anyone else.

When someone puts insurance on their bad behaviour toward someone, it usually starts with "I don't wanna hurt you" and then when the person proceeds to do just that, they bring up all the things they said before that reminded you that you might get hurt.

Excluding just you but hanging on to the other friends could mean that there were feelings on his end that he is confused by and it's best that he remove himself entirely from you so that he doesn't get in to a relationship he doesn't want or isn't ready for. Or the other possibility is that he thinks there are feelings from you, and he wants to put a stop to that before your feelings grow any stronger. This might make sense if he doesn't want to be in a relationship if he is going through problems. It's just that I don't like that he is carrying on and normal with everyone -- except you. I wonder if it's an act just to remove you from the picture.

Either way, you really don't have much choice but to either confront him entirely about this, give him space and wait until he's over his mood swing, or else ignore the problem and let the friendship either carry on without substance or fizzle out on its own. You might also ask one of his other friends if they know anything so you're not just left in the dark with no real reason to feel ousted from his life.

Asker

+1 y
I did confront him, thats what he told me. He was acting like a total idiot with me. First we fought about it, and said he took a lot of shit from me and how i couldnt understand him in this moment. But how im going to understand if he doesn't say shit to me, instead he acts cold. Then he said how i tried to send him and to what we have to hell so many times but the minute he did it i wouldn't let him. lol like we have so something ( he means a lot to me but he never hinted "we had somthing". We did talk about what was happening and said he was old enough to solve his problems and didn't want to make some mistake with me until he can think about what i happening in his life. He said how i dont realize that im the only one of his friends in school that knows that real him. He's confusing me.

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Ozanne

+1 y
He's treating you like a girlfriend by the sounds of it. All these things are the closeness that a guy and girl would share together if they were a couple and it's probably making him uncomfortable as you two get closer. He's acting cold to make you go away. If words aren't cutting it then he's resorting to this sort of behaviour to make you angry and go away on your own. I would do the exact opposite of all of this and not give him a reason to be an ass to you. Continue being your friendly self with him, be the same person and let him and his friends see that you've been nothing but nice to him. The minute you freak out it will give license for anyone to say, "Dude, see? She's crazy, good thing you're stopping that before it starts." You have every right to feel angry and say what you have, but now he's heard it, he knows, and the rest will be up to him whether he wants to take time to see if he misses you in his life or for you to know if time goes on and you'll find a better friend.

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Asker

+1 y
I can't act all friendly because he pushes me away, ALL the time. He said he needed to think about things that hurt him. He broke up with his girlfriend, but I don't know if thats the cause of all of this. He actually never told me about it. He told to his other friends but not me. Actually he never talked about his girlfriend with me. NEVER. it made me angry because im supposed to be his best friend.
And if he says im the one who knows he's real self why is he acting with me like this.

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Ozanne

+1 y
When I say friendly, I just mean don't be rude or confrontational or crazy - just be normal. A "best friend" doesn't act like this. He might be your best friend, but are you his? He's letting others know things going on with him AND he's pushing you away. If this was happening to me and I posted a topic about this, would you think I really had a best friend here or someone being juvenile and impossible who was really just trying to find a way to let me go and not making great decisions on how to do it. I think the more you push a guy, the more he'll react badly. Us girls usually welcome communication whether it's talking or arguing and continue to do it until things are settled. Guys give up. They hate it and will take measures to get away from it. It might be why he's avoiding you because he can't stand the arguing. I'd give him the time he's asking for. If you never even knew about him breaking up with a girlfriend... (more)

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Ozanne

+1 y
...(cont'd) that also tells me that he probably already had it in his mind that you would have pounced on him with questions or wanting to talk and he's not ready for that. Or, he might assume you'd want to step in and know he's single so you could get closer. If these are ridiculous to you, remember that guys usually think we want to nurture to the point of romance and if he's not looking for love, he's doing this all to himself for nothing. It's his choice to lose a good friend, but he doesn't sound like he's a good friend to YOU which is why I think you should give him space to come back to being the guy you used to like calling your best friend or give it enough space to try and find someone new in your life as your companion, and let him sort things out on his own because it seems he thinks having you there isn't helping. If you care, then give him that time he's asking for. I know it sucks, but you can't force it.

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Asker

+1 y
But the thing with his girlfriend like 2 months ago. I remember because he texted me telling he had some issues and we talked about life and he actually brought up some ex girlfriend. All of the sudden he started acting all cuddly and he would hugged me for no reason. Then three weeks ago is when he started acting like this with me. He stopped texting me to hang out at school. Every time we were alone he wouldn't try to make conversation, or play like he did before if i asked him something he would give me a cold answers. He says he cares deeply about me but doesn't want to mess up things with me while he's solving this thing that is hurting him. That he doesn't want me around when something bad happens.
Yeah, im trying give him space.

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Ozanne

+1 y
Do you have more feelings for him than friendship?

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Asker

+1 y
I really dont know how i feel right now. He's hurting me with what he's doing. When we met i kinda had a crush on him, but i stopped because i knew he had a girlfriend, and at that time he actually told me he had a girlfriend. For some reason I think this is a great time to get away from him , and asked myself if I really want him as a friend or if my feelings towards him are something else.

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Ozanne

+1 y
Yeah I think if feelings are lingering then he might be sensing that and realizes he's not great for you right now and doesn't want to hurt you further with it. I think that's come down to the real issue, if I'm not wrong. :( You are right, it is a good time to get away from the drama and focus on you, and the things you like and make you happy. He certainly knows you're there when the time comes and he wants to talk again, but I think of him like a cat, he'll come to you when he feels like it not when you're chasing him. I know you're not really doing that, but you know what I mean. It's not so much give HIM a break, I think you need to give yourself a break and remove yourself from the drama and start being happy again.

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Asker

+1 y
Yeah, thanks for the advise. This really made me think about whats going on right now. I guess i was mad because he's acting normal towards everyone else. I know he's actually dealing with something because he doesn't come with us after school anymore., but I don't know why is he including me in this problem. He told me he said the same to his parents and other people close to him about solving his problem. I wish he wasn't so proud and stop thinking he can do everything without the help of people that care about him.

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