How to stop being a player?

[Anonymous]

There's a girl that I think I'm in love with but every time I start something with her, I seem to screw it up by meeting someone else and hooking up with them. This last time, I told her that I wanted to think about getting more serious, but when she didn't respond right away, I ended up hooking up with somebody else, who she ended up seeing me with. This has happened so many times. I feel like I don't know how to stop getting with other women. I think I do it because I'm afraid of her rejecting me, but I can't imagine myself without being with someone, and I'm not sure that I want to wait around for her. It's been a couple of years that we've been trying to make a go of it. I feel like this is like quitting smoking - I'm afraid of withdrawal! I really want to be with this girl - How do I stop?

Updates

+1 y

Well, I've decided to just be friends with her for right now, and see if I'll be more ready to make a commitment in the future. I think it's the best for everyone!

[tex151]

I know exactly what your going through I do it all the time, you have that one girl you really want but then you get distracted and hook up with some other girl usually one night stands or hey maybe just a date. The problem you have is this, she's seen you with other girls, so therefore you pretty much have already shot yourself in the foot., especially when you told her that you wanted to think about being more serious with her. So now she's thinking yeah right if he really wanted to get serious with me what's he doing with these other women. If you want to get with her then you need to find out from her, don't just ask her hey we hooking up or what, you have to tell her, be like I know youve seen me with other women, but honestly they don't have that same connection we have together, and you already know how I feel about you, so how do you feel about me, if you want to take things slow that's fine we have all the time in the world, but if you don't want anything to do with me just tell me now, so I won't keep wondering. Last time I told you I wanted to get more serious you took a while to respond back so in the back of my mind I was thinking well I guess she doesn't want to get serious, and that's is why I went out with other women.

[Asker]

Yeah, you're right man - totally! That's exactly how it is with me too! It's totally crazy sometimes! You're right - I need to talk to her & tell her just what you said basically because I'm either ready to get serious with her or just keep moving on, but I'd rather be with her because I'm getting tired of being with so many different people before you find someone you really like. Know what I mean?

[tex151]

It's frustrating isn't it, I know exactly what your talking about, you get with these other girls and your like ya theyre fun but nothing there, you would rather just be with that one girl you have in the back of your mind. And if youve been playing this game as long as I have you know exactly how hard it is to really find that one girl you can really connect with, and you only want her.

[Asker]

You're totally right - yeah, I can't seem to stop thinking about her - even when I'm out with the other girls. I'm having fun, but not really...!

[WaitingAtTheDoor]

It is like quitting smoking.

You either do it, or you don't. There isn't an in between, there isn't an alternative.

If she's the one, then she is it, you can't substitute.

So you're either going to make the sacrifice, or you're going to move forward and keep on keeping on.

Choice is yours, but for everyone's sake, make the decision, press the red button, and let's get on with it.

[Asker]

Lol -thanks for the advice man!

[WaitingAtTheDoor]

No problem bro. I'm sure about this friend thing though. Eventually this girl is going to give up. That's just human nature.

[Asker]

Yeah, you're right

[Miss-Spicy]

I don't think that you can because if you wanted to, you would have already. Listen, you are grown and as grown people, we are the masters of our domains.

You aren't really in love with this girl. You are infatuated with her.but not enough to give her your undivided attention and loyalty. Not enough to put yourself on the line to possibly be rejected and not get what you want when you want it. See, we put ourselves out there for people we love and we man up and take whatever comes because of it.

She obviously likes you to even entertain your ways this long but I can't see where she would ever be serious about you given your past behavior.

If you want to win her heart FOR REAL, then you have to change. period! Otherwise, just let her go. You already know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Just consider the stream she's swimming in to be catch and release.

Good luck!

[Asker]

You are totally right, and I really don't want to play with her heart or hurt her, and I've thought of exactly what you're saying. Maybe I will think about the whole thing some more. Thanks for your comments!

[Miss-October]

Until you really want to settle down with one person, it's not going to happen. You should re-evaluate what you really want and be true to yourself. If it is not your time to settle down with one lady, then you can't make yourself ready, it has to come sincerely.

So, until then, don't have any expectations of her responding to you at the drop of a hat because it sounds like even if she did respond to you immediately, you would have messed it up anyway with your jump offs.

Does she deserve that from you? I think not.

Sidebar, if you don't know how or can't be alone then why should a woman want to be with you?

[Asker]

Thank you - those are very good thoughts, and I will seriously ponder them! Yeah, I'm not quite sure that I'm ready for settling down totally yet, although I'm willing. Maybe I just haven't found the right person even though we both like each other. You're right - she does not deserve less than the best, and I have to come to terms with that. Thanks again!

[BusyGirl727]

The way I see it.yeah you really want to be with her but your not showing her that you want to be with her and Only her by hooking up with other girls.she probably is having hard time trusting that it will actually work out between you too and is comfortable where the relationship is.so it won't end up on bad terms. I say that you should talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel.everyones afraid of rejection but you also don't want to live with that "what could of happened if?"

[Asker]

You're right - I think she is having a hard time trusting me because of this problem. I will try to talk to her about it - thanks!

[meh-bodo]

maybe try abstaining from flirting with women for a short period of time, set yourself something easy and think of it as a challenge. I DARE you to go one week without flirting on anyone ( not even this girl). then see if you can drag it out a bit more if you want to. it may just give you some time-out that you need to focus yourself.

[Asker]

Thanks for your comments dude! Yeah, I will try that - it sounds really hard at this point, but I think I can try to not flirt so much. I think I may just try to start out with not flirting for a weekend to start because a whole week seems really tough! ha ha I wonder if it's hard for other guys too?! You're right - I need to stop the flirting thing period and just focus on doing other stuff that I like to do! Thanks again man! :)

[meh-bodo]

I think most guys would be jelous that you can just go out there and hook up with someone on a regular basis haha, that's not a common trait amongst men. totaly start out slow, I think if you look at it like a challenge and get your ego involed it may be easier too

[Asker]

Thanks dude - I appreciate your advice! Yeah, I used to be that guy who was shy & nice & all that but never got any women. Then, I found out how to do it and got hooked! Once you start, it become like a drug or something, and after you do it for a long time, you don't know how to turn it off. So, there must be a happy medium somewhere! But thanks, and good luck to you too! :)

[idoitwell-believeme]

The way I see it is if you really can see yourself with this one girl then that's just what you should do, but when you truly wanna be with someone you will do whatever it takes to be with that person and no one else, you wouldn't dream of hurting them and vice versa for her. NOT saying that she's not the right one but like I said if she was you wouldn't be doing what your doing.

[Asker]

Those are very good and interesting thoughts, and I believe that you're right. She may not be the right one yet for me (or me not be the one for her!), so I will just allow her to have her freedom. Of course, maybe it's just not the right time either. Whatever the case, it's just not lining up! Thanks again! :)